Thoughts of a Vulnerable Narcissist | 10 Covert Narcissistic Behaviors & Corresponding Thoughts 

They can be extremely kind and polite to strangers in an unfamiliar setting. They don't show their cruel side to everyone.

Vulnerable narcs really do have that Jekyll and Hyde thing down to an art. It leaves others in a constant state of confusion and anxiety. This is really how they trap their victims. First comes the charm, then comes the evil. It's maddening.

I’m a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist and, while some of us are definitely on the abusive end of the spectrum, a lot of us save our anger for ourselves and lament over the gap between our lives and our ideal selves. With my narcissism, there’s actually a strong disinterest in others so I don’t feel the need to exploit or harm anyone, it’s just this core belief I have that I’m secretly better than others in some unnameable way.

Timestamps for your benefit: 1. Blame shifting 4:21 2. False accusations then playing the victim 6:22 3. Claiming memory problems 7:31 4. Bringing up a sore topic on purpose 8:45 5. Stealing credit for someone else's work 9:50 6. Starting fights for seemingly no reason 10:44 7. Ending relationships without warning 11:47 8. Money flaunting 12:33 9. Acting cold and distant 13:43 10. Temporarily acts confident and dominant in social situations 14:23

When you catch narcissists in a lie, they continue to deny. It feels as though you are talking in circles. They never own up to their reactions or they just might throw out an "I'm sorry" after a while of arguing just to shut you up but it really has no merit. I know because I deal with it in my relationship.

I think that calling these "thoughts" is a mischaracterization. Personally, I was the victim of what I'd say classifies as a covert/vulnerable narcissistic parent. I came to this realization 11 months ago, and in that time I've learned so much about my parent, my childhood, how that parent shaped me even in subconscious ways, and how I had adopted some of the same behaviors. I had to dig my way out of the hell they created. And I learned that many of the defense mechanisms that got me through adolescence and the mindset created through being manipulated, emotionally abused, and gaslit for 20+ years translated poorly in adulthood and became narcissistic behaviors. I don't think, for the most part, that these are conscious "thoughts". I'd probably call them motivations. Because when I looked within myself, I found some of these motivations. It was only by understanding my mother's behavior patterns that I was able to find the strength to look at the parts of her that seeped into my nature. Only then could I see my victim mentality. Narcissism seems to be a multigenerational curse of poorly-raised humans getting stuck with the wounds of childhood and never properly accepting their lot in life, taking responsibility for their own actions and agency, and taking on the painful burden of truly changing for the better on a fundamental level. But to call them thoughts is to imply that narcissists actively choose to act this way, knowing that it's fucked up and wrong. I'd venture to hypothesize that a number of them are unaware of normality and how far from it their perspective has been warped.

Dr. Grande, as a 63-year-old woman who has been dealing with VN's since the day I was born, I want to thank you for helping me to gain so much clarity in my thinking about all the confusing aspects of my life. Insight is a beautiful thing and I will be forever grateful for your wise words!!!

I am a vulnerable narcissist. Envious, dependent, resentful, hypersensitive, insecure, longing to be a high-status person. But I am extremely honest and being a kind person is important for my self-esteem. So I avoid the dishonest behaviours which you described.

I had some vulnerable narcissistic traits when I was younger, mood swings, anxiety and depression. My self esteem swung along with the mood, and problems with social anxiety and shame. It felt like the world was a dystopia where bad people would get all the rewards, and the "polite, caring and orderly people like me" finished last, a bit of incel oriented thoughts I guess. Eventually you realize that it's the high school mentality that is toxic, and not the world in general. It felt like my peers hated me for having good marks, like everyone who was better than them needed to be destroyed. I tried sertraline and it helped a lot, and also finding more optimistic friends. Narcissism causes more narcissism so it's important to try and break the cycle. My life is great now and I'm really grateful for everything I have 🥰

I initially watched these videos to figure out why some of my family members act the way they do. As I dig deeper, I realize that I also have some of these covert narcissistic tendencies. I hope I can grow out of this and change. Thank you for the great information!

Children raised by narcissist are likely to attract them because growing up with them it seems normal. Empaths attract narcs

Just want to express my deep gratitude for this great video. So accurate and clear, it literally saved my mental well-being. I have been suffering from CPTSD, anxiety and severe depression for over 2 decades (with CPTSD misdiagnosed as BPD in the first decade). I began to suspect that my mother is a vulnerable narcissist at some point, but the information I found online (there’s much more on GN than on VN) didn’t quite match her behaviors. Then, I found this video, and she actually got 10 of them. This explains a lot, makes me see the cause behind my CPTSD, and help me deal with years of self-blaming. Before this, I always think I’m a “real evil” person who blames their mother for their own problems (as she made me believe). So, thank you, and thank you.

If a narc criticizes you, just say thank you, ill use that criticism to become a happier person when I’m making my next relationship emotionally fulfilling.

My father is a full blown narcissist with malignant tendencies. I have always been a massive people pleaser and craved approval, so I know I am overly generous and i constantly try to placate.. even when I shouldn't. However, I now realize I have some vulnerable traits myself. They don't really affect my relationships persay because unless someone directly criticises me I am ok, and when they do, I just withdraw or become sullen, even if I feel a lot of rage inside. However, I now realize it has affected greatly my life choices. My need to be the best or at least highly competent at anything I do means I don't do anything, because failure or feelings of shame crush me. I have a unskilled job, although objectively I am well above average intelligence. (Based on test scores not self perception) I just had a melt down about my art because my bf offered me constructive criticism on my drawing. People at work constantly ask me why I am in the job because I am "so talented " and say I am wasting my life.. but I just cannot face failure and criticism and that is ruining everything. I know that in the job I am in, I can never fail. Like I said, I have empathy and self awareness, and I contain my emotions so I don't believe I am full blown npd, but yes I believe these traits massively affect my life. I think a lot of us are more affected by narcissistic parents than we realize. I wonder if anyone else here recognises these traits in themselves.

Number 6- random fights: sometimes they want to spend time away from you (to cheat or use drugs, or just be alone, but rather than be open…) so they start a fight and storm away. Or they want an excuse for abusing you with some stonewalling or other punishment.

Married and divorced from a covert narc.. Your description is spot on. Especially the blame shifting and false accusations. We're divorced and I am trying "no contact" even though we have a son together. So without me as a target, he goes after, for example, my son's teachers! Interesting dynamic.

#7 hits close to home My entire life, I was driven to understand my father because it didn’t make any sense how he could be so destructive to his family without being conscious about it. When I read up on narcissism, it was the only explanation that could justify everything he did. I felt bad for my half sister who my father had from a previous marriage. He would often visit her (she lived with her mother), but he finally stopped visiting her at the age of 10. Never bothered doing anything. My sister wrote letters to him as a child, asking why he doesn’t visit her, practically begging to see him. They lived in the same city yet he didn’t do anything. Pretended like she didn’t exist, only occasionally sent her birthday cards by mail with a few dollar bills inside. My heart breaks for her. He was clearly consumed by shame, he couldn’t see past anything except his own negativity. I can’t have pity for my father. He pitied himself enough already. I just feel heart broken about the whole situation. So much sadness on both sides, father and daughter. He just needed to put his own feelings and ego aside, but that seems too difficult to do because he made it so inside his head.

4:19 - Blame shifting, False Accusing... 6:27, Then Playing the Victim, 7:32 Claiming to Have Memory Problems, 8:48 Bringing Up A Sore Topic on Purpose, 11:15 - I have a need to that you're not meeting and I need to recognize that need without telling you what it is.

I'm really struggling after watching this video. I genuinely can't decide if I'm suffering from a covert narcissist in my life, or if I'm the covert narcissist and they're reacting to me. I wish there was clarification as to the scale and scope of symptoms. It is improbable that I'm the only person watching and wondering this.

The vulnerable narcissist in a relationship in my situation only present hard for the significant other. Other people will perceive something off, but it's the partner who is being slowly boiled. As others have posted, behind closed doors, when that person isn't making major efforts to present normally, at home and without others present, we experience their insecure raging. And it takes sometimes decades for us to realize that that isn't because of something we've done, that we aren't enough, but because that person is so insecure they have been chipping at our self esteem to make themselves feel better all that time. When you realize it finally, it's maddening.

I think my ex believed something was off. He once told me: “I know I love you but I don’t know how I feel.” It was the most confusing thing I heard. He definitely demonstrated 8 of 10 of these behaviors especially blame shifting which I always called him out on but he would always deny it.

Having anxiety and often being unable to express negative feelings I was super scared I could be a vulnerable narcissist but after watching this I feel a lot better. I have issues don't get me wrong but it's now clear to me that this isn't one :) This was more helpful than you know. Thank you Dr Grande!

Thank you for producing and making this information available. As I listen to you discuss the VN behavior and reasons for them, I start to wonder if there is any assistance for the VN who is seeking to change, but is being judged as if they KNOW what is right, but are just behaving badly. Almost as if people want them to "be right and act right" but all they have training in is knowing how to APPEAR right. I don't know if this makes sense, but to me it's like as a vulnerable narcissist, causing trouble and destruction, some of this is because we missed the boat as children, and only have the defensiveness that was passed down by people doing the same thing. How does a VN retrain their minds if they would happen to want to? A lot of what I hear is these behaviors are wrong - as if people/experts think "if I just show them ow wrong they are, they'll change", but I wonder if VNs, who have been pretending all their lives, just don't know where to go for what everyone (those calling themselves normal) else had growing up - that is invisible and seems unattainable, but would lead to acceptance.

Can you talk about when a vulnerable narcissist intentionally or subconsciously villainize people that they perceive to be a threat so they can be a victim and gain sympathy from their desired person and alienate these people from their desired person so that they can isolate them?

They can dish it out but can’t take it. Truer words never spoken!!!

I’m pretty sure I’m not a narcissist, but one time I said something so horrible in public, that my mind balked, and completely purged the memory of even the thing I said. And there I was, everyone staring at me, shocked, and I couldn’t even remember what I said just a second before. Blackouts are real😳😳😳

This was so helpful thank you. Some thoughts that stood out to me. "I'm deeply hurt by receig this criticism, but hurting you will bring me some relief" "The idea of criticism is offensive to me, critism is offensive to me. Critism is only for people who are not perfect" "I only value the feedback from perfect people, and you dont fall into that category" "You criticised me, which shows you sont love me, so I am going to hurt you" "I didn't think you'd have the confidence to stand up for yourself, now I have to remove myself from the situation that I caused" "I like to see people suffering without my actions being the direct cause of their suffering, o that my actions cannot be blamed" "I felt sad today so it felt fitting that I try and make you feel sad too" "I know that high status people earn a lot of money and I want to be regarded as a high status person" "I will show you that I have power and then you will follow me" ⭐"I know that I'm weak and I'm trying to over compensate by dominating others" ⭐

I am a vulnerable narcissist to a T. It makes me sad, but it's the way I learned to be and it's very hard to break thinking and behavior patterns in ones 40s.

My mother is a covert narcissist rather she has high traits on the spectrum. I found this video to be most helpful for trying to decode some of her irrational illogical accusations, thoughts and behaviors. Thank you! Good job 👍

This was a great way of describing the behaviors of a vulnerable narcissist. By telling us the thoughts behind their actions, it's more easily understood. If you simply list the traits of this disorder, they can seem very different. Almost a depression or sad state of mind, with no 'ill will' or meanness on their part. You cleared this up for me, nicely. Thank you for this excellent analysis.

My ex-husband would always shift the blame or deny it happened. If you confront him with evidences or point out to logical inconsistencies in his thinking process he would tell you that you are overreacting or just stop the argument and avoid you for the entire week, then came back like nothing happened.

Wow. My ex had high covert narcissist tendencies( he went to the therapy) he would always say something is off about himself but didn’t know what it was/ feelings and he felt uncomfortable.

Wow! 14 years of my life. 😮 I took a lot of blame and shame for years. Clarity is enlightening. Sad I endured and believed it but happy this video is here. I am grateful. ❤

So interesting! When my adopted daughter would get in trouble, I would try to find out how she connected the dots, what was her thinking. She would tell me mom, I looked around and saw how everyone was so happy and it's not fair that they had this good life and I didn't get that. She had severe trauma when younger. So sad. She would act up so they would feel as miserable as her. She wanted to draw them in to her pain like it gave her a sense of relief.

I love that Dr Grande has many subscribers without using any crazy transitions or cuts, he just get his audience with his pure professionalism that you can’t simply fake and I love it! Thank you ahha

You just explained my entire life. Now that I have a better understanding of myself, I can get the effective help I need. I’ve been asking myself forever why do I feel this way? Why do I act this way? Why do I push everyone away when their not giving me what I want or not acting the way I want? I’ve been asking myself for so long. Thank you so much.

They are so damn good at twisting everything you say against you too. Often you feel completley drained of energy when you dealt with one of thoose predators.

So glad that I found your video! My mother is a vulnerable narcissist, and I have been afraid of walking down the same path as her. I have looked up so many articles, and always match some traits. I started more researching out of pure anxiety, then I found your video. Thank you for explaining motivation narcissists have, and I can finally convince myself I am not just a copy of my mother. Thank you so much for clearing my mind.

Crazy this guy nailed about 12 traits of my dad. My mom's losing her eyesight now and instead of doing anything to help her, he is immediately throwing her in a nursing home.

The concept of a "vunerable narcissist" is new to me and seems really useful in dealing with a loved-one who can be crazy-making. Thanks for this. :)

I did not realize that I was a narcissist until I started watching you videos. I am an attention seeker from other women and it has been a major problem in my marriage for ten years. We fight and she calls me out on all of it and then I feel shame and remorse intensely for about three weeks to a month then the tendencies start to creep back into my life and cause additional problems. I want help because I do love my wife and I don't want to lose her.

For years I've thought my sibling with bpd always got along way too swimmingly with our vulnerable narcissistic mother. Its crazy how this video and others I just listened to while working with my nmom just put everything I've been saying about our family situation for years into eloquent language

You are hitting some points that's making me feel such high levels of embarrassment. I'm hitting myself in flashbacks about how I tend to be. I cant afford therapy so I'm kinda wondering how I can deal with myself if I am a vulnerable narcissist. I guess being aware of it is a good place to start.

I'm blown away. I can't believe how accurately this describes my ex husband. Previously I suspected he was something of a narcissist but it didn't quite line up with his behaviour. This is it. Having to co-parent, I still end up sucked into this tennis ball game. I criticize something he did to the kids, he launches a verbal assault to wound, jumps to other sensitive topics, denies abusive episodes from our marriage, calls me the lunatic, shows my feedback is unimportant by bragging about something that makes him superior to me. Thank you so much for helping me understand what his motivations are.

I am accused of setting traps, both physical and emotional. For years this caught me off guard because that just isn't me - especially with someone I love! My love tank is almost empty now - and I still would never set a trap for my narcissist.

Thank you for this video. I’m currently in the process of trying to piece together truths about myself and family of origin. I do find that unfortunately a lot of these traits feel accurate describing me and my parents. I’m trying to do work emotionally, and make sure I do not repeat these patterns of abuse and manipulation.

This is spot-on. My mother abruptly stopped talking to me 10 years ago, because she held a grudge from back when I was a kid and she was apparently disappointed in me that I didn't morph into what she had always wanted. Instead of just sitting down to talk about things and work through it, it was easier for her to cast me out of her life.

I’m totally over it. No contact period! There went my empathy... for them

The best part is, after each video I have a full understanding and no confusion about what you're presenting. Clear, calm, concise. Rekindled my love for psychology. Your an excellent teacher Dr. Grande.

Thanks for this video. I'm pretty sure to be living with a gaslighting, whiny, and frankly rather miserable person, who constantly puts me down in each and every situation. This really helps me a lot, because I can try to understand how they think.

Utterly amazing summary of typical behaviour. I could spot the narc in my life in almost every one of them, and the thoughts behind them make total sense. From what I can see, you are spot on and really put it very well into words.

Thank you for making this video.'m depressed/anxious/OCD etc. So I was really beginning to think i was a vulnerable narcissist. Yet I don't do any of the blame shifting or avoiding issues by claiming memory lossand trying to do anything to hurt anyone. so I'm realizing that I might just have the traits of as someone who has PTSD rather than vulnerable narcissist.

Becoming the victim after attacking...YES. A hundred times yes. Good info, Dr. G.

This was a masterful analysis of people that I encounter on my job in healthcare. Bloated sense of entitlement, the sporadic raging against ppl deemed inferior, with no repercussions after wounds inflicted plus tears and (see Kyle Rittenhouse) and theatrics if called out on this behavior, coworkers initially speaking to you expressing overtures of curiosity and friendliness and welcoming to team only to withdraw just as quickly sullen, passive aggressive and suspicious of you as they deem you a threat bc you “scare” them with your confident unbothered ness, will start arguments or questioning your intellect because you are of the “type” that is known to be derelict in form and duty. I work in a very provincial region of the US… its exhausting.

Its funny when you said that the vulnerable knows something is off. I had a grandiose and vulnerable narcissist friend in my life, the grandiose always said that "people act crazy, people are stupid, everybody is wrong" . But the vulnerable in the ocasions that he was in a life crisis he would say: "i think im a little crazy, i think im paranoid, i have a lot of hate inside.." Its like he knew something was wrong in those moments, and then he would later "forget" that he said those things. And both said to me at some point: "i have a love/hate relationship with my mother" 😐

The reality thing is soooo spot on. I used to always say like this isn’t realistic or how reality works. And they literally would be like idc it’s what I want. “I have the right to be selfish and uncaring if it gets me what I want”

This truly is supereducational. Ive learned more from the internet than I have through any form of therapy Ive ever been in. And its free! Doesnt get any better. THANK YOU, Grande! Ive had one of three in my life for 3,5 years and I ended up bedridden in heartfailiure and nearly passed. Close to EVERYTHING you say in this video I recognize from saying he's the best at the office and that the coworkers are lazy and lets him do all the work while they do nothing and that he was the least paied at the job to having memory problems and "I dont remember saying that" I called his office and told them he was doing drugs and expected not to be believed (I had to, he went to work high) bc its hard to believe that shy little guy is a drug addict but good god, they not only believed me but said before I had the chance to his name and then "Ah, yes there have been problems around him" So I can only imagine what damage he's caused in that office, they basically sais they wanted to get rid of him and just needed a valid reason and this would be it so they asked e why I hadnt called earlier as in "We could have gotten rid of this guy earlier" he would also show me his bank accounts and how much money he had saved. i thought it was bc I told him I had been hit on by this rich dude but maybe not..since they do this to show how great they are. What a tasteless monster. I had a psychological crisis due to longterm psycholocal abuse according to the citys mental emergency room I called and his job wants him out, his ex doesnt want him back and tells him to move on (he ofc refuses to leave her alone) and reporting him to the police didnt help, he was at my door only 3 months later. Now he's in narcissistic hibernation aka selfpitying in depression bc noone wants anything to do with him except his druggie friends. But just wait, I'm recovering and when he comes next time I will INIHILATE him. If he thinks he's bad off now, he hasnt seen a thing what goes for narcissistic injury. What a little MONSTER! No wonder he in the beginning told me "Im broken" bc he really is. He's not even functioning, he lays all his free time on the couch self pitying and doesnt want any help for it. NASTY person, euw!

I was reading a science paper recently about America that talked about how 9.9% of younger adults now display the symptoms of npd compared with around 3% of adults over 65 years of age. Apparently throughout the western world the levels of people displaying the symptoms of npd are also going up. It really does seem to be everywhere. Most places I have worked have had at least one person displaying enough symptoms to meet the npd threshold with a few other employees also being close on the spectrum. I think the only way to not be around people like this is to get an independent role where you don't have to deal with coworkers too much. The numbers are looking like almost one in ten people are closing in on the npd threshold. How else can we escape this? They also always seem to get along well with each other in a kind of childish way. I am going to have to move jobs again to try and avoid a new person put in over me. Part of me thinks that it would be better to actually resemble these people more to be ok in these workplaces. The other part of me thinks that I have to try to just have jobs where I have limited interactions with other coworkers.

Very interesting information! I am just learning about these personality disorders. I was in a very difficult relationship with my 2nd husband for over 22 years on and off. I loved him very much, which is what made it difficult to extract myself from this relationship. Also, he was very good at making it seem as though I was the partner responsible for making him behave badly. I didn't show him enough love or give him what he needed, and therefore, he acted out. I remember he would occasionally speak about what he was thinking, and I would be agast at how crazy his thoughts were. He threatened suicide whenever I left or made him leave. Finally, I was resolved to end the relationship, and I filed for divorce. He took his life. Information like yours about personality disorders has helped me process this and not to feel responsible. Thank you!

Recently got out of a 4 year relationship with a VN. Never took criticism well and always would have to fire back. Always had a strong determination of getting revenge for anything. Kept a actual note pad on her phone of things that I would do wrong through out our relationship. Will always bring up these notes and past arguments. Would say hurtful things and won’t feel anything about it. Would throw her own accomplishments in my face. Usually only show this side to people that are close to her such as family members and me. Would try to portray a shy quiet image to strangers. We actually got engaged but due to this behavior things really hit a boiling point. We broke up and she started going on dates with people like 4 days after just because she knew it would hurt me. Whenever I would reach out to try reconcile she would make known about the dates she went on because she wants it to hurt however after making it known to her that I went on a date weeks later she snapped as if how dare u try to move on from me even tho your conducting the same act. In closing if you see signs in your partner try to seek help I had to deal with plenty pain to get through a VN relationship.

I was in a relationship for 7 years to a VN. Very destructive to me emotionally! I had to get therapy for the severe anxiety that plagued me because of his manipulations. He has tried to Hoover me since and I considered reuniting with him, but now that I am informed, I set my boundaries very clearly and I can spot his behaviors and call him out on them right away. I have confronted his excessive drinking and get blamed for it “I drink because we are not together” is the reoccurring line. Now he did the disappearing act when I stood firm. No more narcs for me!! It feels good to be strong again!!

Completely true, initially I blamed myself a lot because I did not what’s going on. Point 6, I completely agree. I am suffering from this behavior every minute of my life. 😢 I don’t know how to come out of it.

You're absolutely right about them playing the victim! All of these points are spot on!

I'm continually learning about NPDs and this particular variation of Vulnerable NPD exactly describes my younger brother has been financially/medically/physically abusing my mother. He plays the victim card and thanks everyone else for finally stepping up to help him help my mother. The level of absurdity is just mind blowing.

My roommate is a vulnerable narcissist. She bullies me a lot but then I feel crazy for reacting. It’s so hard, and I am not sure how to “win” and put her in her place because I am tired of having to just brush it off.

This is interesting. Growing up I had no definition for the narcissism my mother acted out, neither could I defend against my brother’s verbal dominance. Between the two definitions Grandiose Narcissism describes more of the behavior. I didn’t get out unscathed and have worked to extinguish some behaviors that seemed “normal”. Making sense of my childhood is now possible.

Just finished my mental health rotation and I decided to delve back into these personality traits and styles. Man so much more information in these videos than a whole semester of nursing school.

This is really helpful in knowing what to avoid in my own behavior and what to be wary of in friends and partners. You’re doing good work Doc!!!

I feel like this is my mum all over. I don't think she is malignant. But I think she always views the world through a rather skewed filter of being abandoned by her father and she therefore fails to see reality objectively (we all do this to some degree). She is the middle child, the only female with two brothers and became responsible in many ways for taking care of them while my grandmother worked to provide for them so I understand her pain. But at the same time i could not help feeling very manipulated growing up. I notice image is very important to her in the sense of being perceived as the ideal child, and ideal mother. She is very much a perfectionist. She did a lot of charity. She is always sticking her neck out for ppl but in a way that I think gives her external validation. I also notice she forms new friends and attachments with a lot of ease but also dissolves a lot of relationships with ppl rather quickly if they don't play nice. I think she needs constant reassurance and validation. She will become overly emotional and unpleasant when she feels we are ignoring her even when that is not the case. One example is during dinner conversation. She interrupts others but if someone else is having a conversation on the side she seems to be so hurt by it she will almost be in tears. I have often felt like guilt is her ultimate weapon. It has been exhausting at times especially given that I am the only child and we moved to Australia from Argentina leaving any extended family behind when I was young so I was the focus of her attention. It was hard to talk to her growing up as she would straight up deny experiences I'd had and say I must remember it differently so I gave up on trying to relay my own grievances. I am far far far from perfect myself. I've had a lot of issues to overcome including substance abuse which led to me making incredibly selfish choices. Unfortunately my mum seems to be a trigger for me so I see her but I limit the time. I don't think all ppl with narcissistic traits are "bad" when we are able to see how they came to be the way they are. Their behaviour seems to be driven by a void they always feel or a sense of insecurity.

Hear is also what I learned from narc husband. My husband is a vulnerable and grandios when it serves him. 1. Changing how invents happened 2. Doing you wrong first and then play victim when you decide to treat them the same. 3 play push and pull game in order to their need to act like single when they feel like it. 4. Focusing on your reaction to your abuse to make you feel bad for just reacting 5. Controlling all the dates and even the sex 6. Super nice to other women while ignoring me for long periods of time in front of them. 7. Pretending to be loving in front of important people like church members or school system or doctors. 8. Pretending to be an abused victim in front of doctors by making comments that suggest they are being abused.

One of my biggest regrets is giving up my independence to work for the family business. I was enticed by the job security and didn't know that I'd have to sacrifice my emotional well-being.

Thank you! I really enjoy when you go down the list of disorders in a similar scenario. It helps me understand this🧡

After 39 years as a mental health professional, I concur that I was more exhausted dealing with the nonsense from my colleagues than I was from delivering care to my patients.

This is so true....and watching your videos, Dr. Grande, is so educative and helpful for me! I wish I had known all this so much sooner in my life, suddenly, things make sense. You are doing a great service to people here!

I loved watching this one. I have seen all the behavioral video's before but this one could be watched over and over. I hope you keep recordings some videos to add to your awesome collection. This teaches us a lot and the way you present this information is so relatable.

I love your teaching style!I have learning disabilities but when I listen to you I can understand everything so clearly,I am grateful.

As someone who suffers from vulnerable narcissism, I completely want to change. I’ve realized now that i’m older that something is wrong with me. I live day to day trying to improve my relationship with others, no matter how hard it is. I hate how people, are quick to judge me when I tell them. But I promise i’m really nice, and would never hurt anyone!

Thanks Dr. Grande! You've described my Father perfectly, especially thought process number 7. I've had an on-and-off again relationship with my Father that became more obvious as an adult. There's been two occasions where he's rung me up and pretended he couldn't hear a single thing I've said.

Describes my ex husband of 20 years perfectly. Most resentful person I have ever met. Pouted like a baby every time his kids achieved anything.

Thank you for your clearly articulated and informative explanation of these types. Truly lifesaving 💯

My sister is a narcissist. But her blame shifting is a bit different. It isn’t that she sees herself as perfect. She sees herself as innocent. She blames everything on others. She never did anything wrong or deserving of criticism. She would lie to get me in trouble. This started really young. I’m pretty certain she doesn’t understand that she’s a narcissist. She can be so kind and bubbly to others, but at family functions, her guard goes up and she seems angry and defensive. It’s getting harder for me to want to be around her. I’m realizing that abuse I suffered as her younger sister has shaped my whole life. I’m just tired of it. We are in our 50’s and it’s been a lifetime of me walking on eggshells and critiquing what I can and can’t say around her. It’s exhausting.

Definitely a vulnerable narcist interesting to kinda piece together lifetime. Having Grand narcist as a father that was basically served and everyone else was wrong. To being over weight in school developing defense mechanisms that it was easier to pick on than be picked on which I was a lot. It wasn't until my 30s that started inner contemplation and trying to work on it. Once you kinda pull that band aid that been your cover its been very depressing and over thinking constantly. Which I never did before, I just wanted to impulsively do something and I just did it. Now having been in the same unfulfilling job for 20 years, I'm at the point where I only see possible failure if I try and lack self worth. The more I pulled inward and stopped being social I lost feeling better from being uplifted by people complimenting me or thinking I was funny. I'm very defensive with blame, or being criticized as I'm always trying and believe if I do A,b & c that I should get some slack if I messed something up or didn't do D. Also that 1 negative after few positive ruins it for me if I work mowing, cleaning etc and they point out missed area or something its like they are putting down all the work and putting me down.

I think the "decoding" approach is extremely revealing and helpful. Do you have these set down someplace, not just for narcissism, but for other personality issues?

IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH COGNITIVE DISSONANCE- get it fixed before you get into a relationship. Once the WRONG person knows you have mental health “differences” they WILL TRY to exploit you. Stay strong! Know your limits.

I recently discovered my dad is a vulnerable/covert narcissist. Finding your videos is really helping me cope with the emotional abuse that I never knew was happening. Thank you for breaking down the delusions - the dad to daughter cold shoulder is exactly what I experienced for at least 8 years.

"I never thought you would stand up for yourself so now I need to come up with a strategy to extricate myself from the respinsibility.." So they read a book on codependency and start calling you codependent and blaming you that you are the problem and it's because "you're codependent." This happend to me.

Hi Dr Grande! Love your videos so much, especially your Vulnerable Narcissist series. My husband grew up with an alcoholic VN. He is 22 now and is showing signs of narcissism, and some counselors have speculated him to have ADD or even some bipolar. Though, I have been married to him for 4 years now, I believe he is on the narcissistic spectrum. The ADD symptoms are just like the VN symptoms of being a bad listener, and claiming to have memory problems. The Bipolar symptoms are just like the VN symptoms of, erratic behavior, and just below the surface is hate and anger. And then all of the other behaviors you explained in this video he has every single one. I’ve suspected this diagnosis since I joined ALANON for support because I didn’t understand how to deal with the alcoholism in his family. My question to you is, how can you disband the loop or the “curse” as his own family calls it which in their eyes is just “bad behavior” through out the sons in all the generations. I see it as alcoholism and narcissism being passed down through the generations. How can we stop passing this down to our 2 year old son? I’m so scared of my child growing up like his father, and his father before his, I feel like I am in a place of power, being that I am my sons mother, but I feel completely powerless in preventing this feedback loop. My son loves his alcoholic grandfather, they live 2 blocks from us, my husband works with him. I have created plenty of emotional and trust boundaries, but still struggle with so many fears seeing that my own husband is rarely aware of his own behavior patterns, even though they are a replication of his fathers. Could you make a video surrounding this topic? thank your for your constant content and scientifically informed information you spread on this uninformed website. I appreciate your hard work, and dry humor.

Wow! My experience is Im recently coming out of a 6 year relationship with a narcissist. This is right on. But, during this same time I had a narcissist boss and this sent me into trauma, In addition, my father was a narcissist (RIP) and its comforting to understand what was really going through his head bc I loved him so much and I could never understand why he wanted to always hurt me, especially when I wanted to talk about something that hurt (I eventually gave up bc it made it worse) Its so relieving to hear the thought and how they are humans (I know its hard to believe they are when they are so hurting) I also found a few traits in myself ...I have 2 questions: 1. Do all people have a few traits without being a full narcissist. and 2. Do some people pick narcissists to be in their lives (like me picking a narcissist BF when my father was one?

Wow, this video gives me so much clarity! Thank you! I do agree a covert narcissist is a failed grandiose narcissist.

Getting into someones shoes gives far more understanding than from just theory. It also makes it possible for the victim to make the abuse conscious to them. Seems to me that narcissists attack and control through their victims subconscious effects in the victim, but putting explicit words on hidden actions should help them avoid injury. This route to awareness may be the most practical coaching method I've seen. Please - more!

The sickest I ever felt was when I realized I was encountering a VN...... I found out I would not get closure, so I took it myself. I ended the relationship and cut off all contact. Being around them makes me sick. I refuse to play with their insanity. They can be alone for all I care.

Went through all this. Thank you SO MUCH for your professional insight. Helps me a great deal.

Thanks for the awesome video lecture Dr. Grandee. Sounds like many of the people I have crossed paths with in my life’s journey. Keep up the great 👍 work.

The vulnerable narc coworker did exactly what you said. He sexually harassed me and followed me around at work with it, and when I finally said something he shouted that he was being harassed me, telling a lie.

I appreciate the thorough descriptions/explanations...I enjoy gaining insight into the abuse I tolerated ,frm my 2yr relationship w a Vulnerable Narcissist...

I was born into a unique situation where my entire family, including most of my half siblings., not only showed. But embarrassed the whole venerable narcissist traits that you showed here. They resented me, my entire life, since I was born. This is because I was born, a few years after a car accident, that took my mother's first husband, and my siblings father. It almost seemed like, they needed to hate me. In order to prevent, disrespecting the memory of the father figure. My mother would also tell me that she only needed to take care of her husband's kids. But this video is very helpful, since it actually gives me a peek into, the minds of those people.

I recognise every one of those in my ex partners, and some in my mother, the original narcissist in my life. I can even remember (and my mother has told me tales) instances of these behaviors in my grandfather. A friend who’s husband was narcissistic (or possibly had NPD) is now struggling with some of these behaviors in her daughter. I am noticing more and more how narcissism can pop up across generations, it’s so interesting to think about the interaction between inbuilt constitution or genetic factors, and what is learnt from environmental exposure. I do feel that the ability of parents to mitigate against trans generational trauma is being hampered by technology (there is less genuine connection between parents and children) and we are looking at a tsunami of poor mental health. That’s why these educational videos are so important, thank you, as ever Dr Grande

Your videos helped me get out of a psychopathic relationship. Thank you for sharing your knowledge Dr. Grande!

I feel like I am a recovering narcissist, like someone who recovers from other toxic substances. I don't believe people change internally, though we can identify, prevent, and modulate outside behaviors. It is a monster of toxicity, insecurity, and negativity inside of me. I watch videos like this to remind myself of things I've done or am capable of. I often warn people I meet of my tendencies, and I try to be as honest as I can(though I often overshare). I often fear I'm a ticking time bomb, like the old tendency will win in the end. Thank you for reading if you did.

That was incredibly helpful in understanding the hurtful things my ex said and did. I know he often felt inadequate and inferior buy the things he said and did. He relished praise, attention and gratitude even when it was warranted to the point it could be embarrassing and irritating at times . His coldness at times was really hard to take but he also had Huntington’s disease and was unable to control some of his behaviour. It is and was very damaging to me.