Thoughts of a Vulnerable Narcissist | 10 Covert Narcissistic Behaviors & Corresponding Thoughts 

Dr. Todd Grande
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This video answers the questions: Can I identify some of the beliefs and thoughts that are behind vulnerable narcissistic behaviors?
There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
Kealy, D., & Rasmussen, B. (2012). Veiled and Vulnerable: The Other Side of Grandiose Narcissism. Clinical Social Work Journal, 40(3), 356-365. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Sandage, S. J., Jankowski, P. J., Bissonette, C. D., & Paine, D. R. (2017). Vulnerable narcissism, forgiveness, humility, and depression: Mediator effects for differentiation of self. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 34(3), 300-310. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Derry, K. L., Ohan, J. L., & Bayliss, D. M. (2019). Toward understanding and measuring grandiose and vulnerable narcissism within trait personality models. European Journal of Psychological Assessment, 35(4), 498-511. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Vize, C., Crowe, M., Sleep, C., Maples, K. J. L., … Campbell, W. K. (2018). Vulnerable narcissism is (mostly) a disorder of neuroticism. Journal of Personality, 86(2), 186-199. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
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5 Haz 2023




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YORUMLAR : 3 236   
Jolene 2 yıl önce
They can be extremely kind and polite to strangers in an unfamiliar setting. They don't show their cruel side to everyone.
N D 2 yıl önce
Jolene: When I first set eyes on your comment I knew you knew the Covert and I didn't read it all yet. We know this and they are NOT good people. Talk about depth of not caring is some weird sh-t to be around. They just don't care. They will portray delightfulness to a stranger and come home to their partner and alienate, neglect them, ignore them and proceed to do obnoxious behaviors constantly knowing damn well it bothers you. No more because I'm getting pissed off right now. Bye.
Ella Kad
Ella Kad 2 yıl önce
Then threaten them , they fear of you r going to tell to someone
ZiKoHa123 2 yıl önce
Mary Walsh
Mary Walsh 2 yıl önce
My mother...😏
SidneyBroadshead 2 yıl önce
They like to groom victims. Once they have them on the line or they get bored, they move on.
A Jones
A Jones Yıl önce
Vulnerable narcs really do have that Jekyll and Hyde thing down to an art. It leaves others in a constant state of confusion and anxiety. This is really how they trap their victims. First comes the charm, then comes the evil. It's maddening.
Cheryl caardillo
Cheryl caardillo 7 aylar önce
Run for the hills
Cheryl caardillo
Cheryl caardillo 7 aylar önce
Yes Soooo scary it took me 14yrs to know abou this
Beach Bliss
Beach Bliss 6 aylar önce
@Cheryl caardillo I didn’t understand my mother is a VN until I was in my mid 40s. It took to age 51 to completely go no contact. And I finally have a life that isn’t pandering to her drama, envy and sabotage.
explorer 02
explorer 02 5 aylar önce
Abuse is abuse get rid of them. No contact.
Kathy & Chloe "AND" ?
Kathy & Chloe "AND" ? 4 aylar önce
Every freaking time. I've got to do something
Pennywise The Dancing Clown
I’m a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist and, while some of us are definitely on the abusive end of the spectrum, a lot of us save our anger for ourselves and lament over the gap between our lives and our ideal selves. With my narcissism, there’s actually a strong disinterest in others so I don’t feel the need to exploit or harm anyone, it’s just this core belief I have that I’m secretly better than others in some unnameable way.
Tanicka Sinclair
Tanicka Sinclair Yıl önce
This is Jennifer Sinclair. Same with my mother.
Jessica Hurst
Jessica Hurst 10 aylar önce
Appreciate your honesty and insight.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
And I'll bet money you're desperately unhappy. Ya dummy, if you help others, you can't be unhappy. Especially if you're a drunk or addict. I'm not saying give money or a place to live or a job. Just wisdom and honesty.
Valerie Walker
Valerie Walker 9 aylar önce
Thanks for sharing
Strawbri 8 aylar önce
If you don't mind me asking what led to you getting a diagnosis? Usually I would figure that victims of narcissism are more drawn to seeking diagnosis rather than a narcissist
Sally Mc
Sally Mc 2 yıl önce
Timestamps for your benefit: 1. Blame shifting 4:21 2. False accusations then playing the victim 6:22 3. Claiming memory problems 7:31 4. Bringing up a sore topic on purpose 8:45 5. Stealing credit for someone else's work 9:50 6. Starting fights for seemingly no reason 10:44 7. Ending relationships without warning 11:47 8. Money flaunting 12:33 9. Acting cold and distant 13:43 10. Temporarily acts confident and dominant in social situations 14:23
Scott 2 yıl önce
so if you mirror a Narc, what happens.....because its impossible to handle a female narc, as the law is behind women, and men are dead.
Sahar Sin
Sahar Sin 2 yıl önce
@Scott In what world law is behind women??
Scott 2 yıl önce
@Sahar Sin italy. Very legally skewed towards women and children
Sahar Sin
Sahar Sin 2 yıl önce
@Scott I'm in a so called feminist region, Skandinavia. I have a case with a police over a Narcissist man who has raped and abused. I'm telling you police doesn't give a damn at the end of the day. He is just an other white man getting away with everything he has done. So no, when comes to action Law is not behind women.
Scott 2 yıl önce
@Sahar Sin move to italy. You are super protected
TheRighteousOne Yıl önce
When you catch narcissists in a lie, they continue to deny. It feels as though you are talking in circles. They never own up to their reactions or they just might throw out an "I'm sorry" after a while of arguing just to shut you up but it really has no merit. I know because I deal with it in my relationship.
Mary M
Mary M Yıl önce
I had a narcissist employee. After she didn't get thanked in our group meeting for donating to our hospital charity fund, she apparently felt insulted by me. A week later in our meeting, she informed me she had donated $25,000 anonymously to the charity fund. This was patently false as she earned $45K, drove a 10 year old car, lived in a $100K trailer home and was a single mom sending her son to college at the time. I was dumbfounded. When I mentioned that her name had not been on the list I was given, and that the HR department said no such donation had been made, she became irate. She aggressively said "Prove it" and stormed out of my office. She would not back down on this or on other occasions when she told obvious lies.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
I had this and worse. Decided I'm better off in my cars, if necessary. Best choice I ever made. Only wish I did it sooner.
David 9 aylar önce
I just got out, finally. I still miss her, the trauma bondage really sucks...
Tori Gibson
Tori Gibson 6 aylar önce
oh god, me to. I'm so mad at myself for letting someone around me that's toxic. Deny Deny Lie, it gets so old & I feel stressed & older & now fatter from all the toxic behavior I endure:(
Wendy B
Wendy B 6 aylar önce
My children and I say that it is like talking to a revolving door.
littlemissprickles 2 yıl önce
I think that calling these "thoughts" is a mischaracterization. Personally, I was the victim of what I'd say classifies as a covert/vulnerable narcissistic parent. I came to this realization 11 months ago, and in that time I've learned so much about my parent, my childhood, how that parent shaped me even in subconscious ways, and how I had adopted some of the same behaviors. I had to dig my way out of the hell they created. And I learned that many of the defense mechanisms that got me through adolescence and the mindset created through being manipulated, emotionally abused, and gaslit for 20+ years translated poorly in adulthood and became narcissistic behaviors. I don't think, for the most part, that these are conscious "thoughts". I'd probably call them motivations. Because when I looked within myself, I found some of these motivations. It was only by understanding my mother's behavior patterns that I was able to find the strength to look at the parts of her that seeped into my nature. Only then could I see my victim mentality. Narcissism seems to be a multigenerational curse of poorly-raised humans getting stuck with the wounds of childhood and never properly accepting their lot in life, taking responsibility for their own actions and agency, and taking on the painful burden of truly changing for the better on a fundamental level. But to call them thoughts is to imply that narcissists actively choose to act this way, knowing that it's fucked up and wrong. I'd venture to hypothesize that a number of them are unaware of normality and how far from it their perspective has been warped.
Beanybag2 Yıl önce
Absolutely correct. I was completely unaware.
Riley Paakaula
Riley Paakaula Yıl önce
Mahalo, thank you, for this. I wish you healing and the strength to change. This was something I needed to hear. I can make a change. Aloha nō, mālama pono, take care
AvertingApathy Yıl önce
Thanks for clarifying this. Comments like these should be required reading for the ones getting stuck in TRvid narc bashing buzz titles and subsequent lists. It's a complex and nuanced issue. Wish me luck.
CNJ Yıl önce
Well said
Mandy Lee
Mandy Lee Yıl önce
I understand because my late father was one. I couldn't understand then why my childhood was unhappy and always felt something abnormal when compared to my friends'. This is insightful...
Doreen Zimmerman
Doreen Zimmerman 3 yıl önce
Dr. Grande, as a 63-year-old woman who has been dealing with VN's since the day I was born, I want to thank you for helping me to gain so much clarity in my thinking about all the confusing aspects of my life. Insight is a beautiful thing and I will be forever grateful for your wise words!!!
Glauco Araujo
Glauco Araujo 3 yıl önce
Doreen , before you started the treatment, did you had any insight ? Like you knew that something was off ?
Doreen Zimmerman
Doreen Zimmerman 3 yıl önce
@Glauco Araujo , Sandra Wegman is correct but I will say that I knew something was off in my life for many years but I always thought it was a very tangled web of specific circumstances and personality traits coming together in a unique way. It was not until I heard the term "covert narcissist" (or vulnerable narcissist as Dr. Grande prefers) that a light went on. From listening to Dr. Grande, I have gained a perspective that has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.
Glauco Araujo
Glauco Araujo 3 yıl önce
@Doreen Zimmerman i know how it feels. 😊
sara 3 yıl önce
I feel so happy reading this. If I'm Being honest I'm thinking off My own mother who is the same age, and throughout the years became more and more beaten down due to these People. She is a Beautiful soul, My biggest wish is for her to be able to see things for what they really are. This is what i would say to her: I hope you found you're way back to who you really are, know this core off you was never lost. I see you Always, please reach out' and join me in a world without fear.
Marek Sumguy
Marek Sumguy 3 yıl önce
Doreen Zimmerman careful, now... Dr “Grand” is actually a covert narcissist.
- septimus -
- septimus - Yıl önce
I am a vulnerable narcissist. Envious, dependent, resentful, hypersensitive, insecure, longing to be a high-status person. But I am extremely honest and being a kind person is important for my self-esteem. So I avoid the dishonest behaviours which you described.
SAURABH YADAV 10 aylar önce
Do you lie, manipulate or gaslight?
Joey 10 aylar önce
@- septimus - how's life been
Septimus, the "drive to succeed' overflows into your previously stated characteristics. I'm here to tell you when you achieve that success level - the grand first prize is Loneliness. Less is more
Marco Dall'Olio
Marco Dall'Olio 8 aylar önce
I'm not entirely sure you can have a diagnosis without the behaviors associated with it, or forms of functional impairment. Envy, resentment, sensitivity and insecurity are feelings and traits a good deal people have to contend with and hopefully overcome at one point or another in their lives, if they don't translate in consistent behavioral patterns it must mean that at least you've found ways to regulate them and cope, and at best that you were being too hard on yourself when you wrote that comment
Robotix 8 aylar önce
@BIBLE UNBUTCHERED exactly I hate to quote Kendrick when talking about faith but how much does a dollar cost, maybe your place in heaven.
Kim Pettersson
Kim Pettersson 2 aylar önce
I had some vulnerable narcissistic traits when I was younger, mood swings, anxiety and depression. My self esteem swung along with the mood, and problems with social anxiety and shame. It felt like the world was a dystopia where bad people would get all the rewards, and the "polite, caring and orderly people like me" finished last, a bit of incel oriented thoughts I guess. Eventually you realize that it's the high school mentality that is toxic, and not the world in general. It felt like my peers hated me for having good marks, like everyone who was better than them needed to be destroyed. I tried sertraline and it helped a lot, and also finding more optimistic friends. Narcissism causes more narcissism so it's important to try and break the cycle. My life is great now and I'm really grateful for everything I have 🥰
Melvin Berner
Melvin Berner 2 aylar önce
Congratulations. From a vulnerable narcissist battling to become better i applied you.
Tim K
Tim K Yıl önce
I initially watched these videos to figure out why some of my family members act the way they do. As I dig deeper, I realize that I also have some of these covert narcissistic tendencies. I hope I can grow out of this and change. Thank you for the great information!
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
What about day to day stuff, like stepping aside for women with their hands full and such. Or if you have a dog, don't make the dig walker stand in the street to avoid yours? I see this every day where I live and people wonder why I'm single. Lol. Because I wouldn't live w someone who puts themselves first like that. I've had grown men plow right past me or actually shove past me.
Maritza Caruth
Maritza Caruth 3 aylar önce
Your awareness & desire to change makes me think you can & will. I started out seeking insight on several family member's behaviors too. Glad we have more clarity and choices going forward. Peace and blessings. 🙌
Mighty Mouse
Mighty Mouse 2 yıl önce
Children raised by narcissist are likely to attract them because growing up with them it seems normal. Empaths attract narcs
Island Girl Ruby
Island Girl Ruby 2 yıl önce
So do codependents, we have to heal our childhood wounds
M Dee
M Dee 2 yıl önce
Yes! Mighty Mouse, so true - they feel "familiar" to us. They feel normal, but in reality, truly normal people "feel" boring to us. We need to re-program ourselves. I heard a good saying: Look for the Fireplace🔥, not for the Fireworks 🎆
Unfortunate story of my life 😞
アロハ 2 yıl önce
Amity Zhang
Amity Zhang 2 yıl önce
Just want to express my deep gratitude for this great video. So accurate and clear, it literally saved my mental well-being. I have been suffering from CPTSD, anxiety and severe depression for over 2 decades (with CPTSD misdiagnosed as BPD in the first decade). I began to suspect that my mother is a vulnerable narcissist at some point, but the information I found online (there’s much more on GN than on VN) didn’t quite match her behaviors. Then, I found this video, and she actually got 10 of them. This explains a lot, makes me see the cause behind my CPTSD, and help me deal with years of self-blaming. Before this, I always think I’m a “real evil” person who blames their mother for their own problems (as she made me believe). So, thank you, and thank you.
Angela Mossucco
Angela Mossucco 4 aylar önce
I’m happy for your insight and i hope it leads to peace.
T. B.
T. B. 3 yıl önce
If a narc criticizes you, just say thank you, ill use that criticism to become a happier person when I’m making my next relationship emotionally fulfilling.
777jones 2 yıl önce
lol this comment brims with hostility. I love it
bri 2 yıl önce
Lol thanks, I’m using that
NeNe Younge
NeNe Younge 2 yıl önce
Lol I had replied with something similar and was told I'm "nice nasty"😒
the watcher
the watcher 2 yıl önce
Just ignore it completely. Or keep it simple if its a direct criticism. Say thanks
Andrea Alfoldy
Andrea Alfoldy 2 yıl önce
I like saying "you think so? That's too bad" or "that sounds like a you problem"
Sara louise
Sara louise 2 yıl önce
My father is a full blown narcissist with malignant tendencies. I have always been a massive people pleaser and craved approval, so I know I am overly generous and i constantly try to placate.. even when I shouldn't. However, I now realize I have some vulnerable traits myself. They don't really affect my relationships persay because unless someone directly criticises me I am ok, and when they do, I just withdraw or become sullen, even if I feel a lot of rage inside. However, I now realize it has affected greatly my life choices. My need to be the best or at least highly competent at anything I do means I don't do anything, because failure or feelings of shame crush me. I have a unskilled job, although objectively I am well above average intelligence. (Based on test scores not self perception) I just had a melt down about my art because my bf offered me constructive criticism on my drawing. People at work constantly ask me why I am in the job because I am "so talented " and say I am wasting my life.. but I just cannot face failure and criticism and that is ruining everything. I know that in the job I am in, I can never fail. Like I said, I have empathy and self awareness, and I contain my emotions so I don't believe I am full blown npd, but yes I believe these traits massively affect my life. I think a lot of us are more affected by narcissistic parents than we realize. I wonder if anyone else here recognises these traits in themselves.
Maritza Caruth
Maritza Caruth 3 aylar önce
I absolutely do. Your words spoke to me in a profound way. I have been complacent for the same reason. It is no way to live, happily and authentically. I am also artistically inclined & appreciate your comment so much. Peace and blessings to you. 🌻
orion hodges
orion hodges 2 aylar önce
I didn't recognize these traits in myself until I was about 19 or 20. My best friend who was one of my roommates at the time and we also worked together driving long distance just us two. He told me off one day and it was justified. I was offended by what he said but cuz he was right. I also noticed that everything he said were things that really bothered my about my dad.
Leanna Leanna
Leanna Leanna Aylar önce
This sounds familiar to myself. Is this traits of aftermath or is this actually being npd? I get very overwhelmed with all the pain from a perceived failure and I find I just stay unfulfilled and away from anything that can hurt me so much. I stopped trying because I had been made to feel never good enough.
TexanWineAunt Yıl önce
Number 6- random fights: sometimes they want to spend time away from you (to cheat or use drugs, or just be alone, but rather than be open…) so they start a fight and storm away. Or they want an excuse for abusing you with some stonewalling or other punishment.
Staria Dream Tea
Staria Dream Tea 10 aylar önce
Oooh spot on.
Paige Westerfield
Paige Westerfield 9 aylar önce
Or they want to wind the other person up so they can then say they’re crazy or similar.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
So, you met my parents, huh? One said nobody would ever gaf about me when you get mad at the games and abuse of extreme emotion immaturity. More than once, they said it. Lol.
Max Smart
Max Smart 3 aylar önce
I started walking away towards the end of our relationship out of frustration with the constant gaslighting.
Nedra Bickham
Nedra Bickham 2 yıl önce
Married and divorced from a covert narc.. Your description is spot on. Especially the blame shifting and false accusations. We're divorced and I am trying "no contact" even though we have a son together. So without me as a target, he goes after, for example, my son's teachers! Interesting dynamic.
Nana Jan
Nana Jan Yıl önce
collars and cuffs Because people don't require a psychiatric assessment of a possible mate in most cases. They marry, and at times a child is born into the family before the person realizes what kind of mate she is dealing with. Doesn't that seem like maybe it happened in Nedra's situation?
LiterateAphrodisiac 2 yıl önce
#7 hits close to home My entire life, I was driven to understand my father because it didn’t make any sense how he could be so destructive to his family without being conscious about it. When I read up on narcissism, it was the only explanation that could justify everything he did. I felt bad for my half sister who my father had from a previous marriage. He would often visit her (she lived with her mother), but he finally stopped visiting her at the age of 10. Never bothered doing anything. My sister wrote letters to him as a child, asking why he doesn’t visit her, practically begging to see him. They lived in the same city yet he didn’t do anything. Pretended like she didn’t exist, only occasionally sent her birthday cards by mail with a few dollar bills inside. My heart breaks for her. He was clearly consumed by shame, he couldn’t see past anything except his own negativity. I can’t have pity for my father. He pitied himself enough already. I just feel heart broken about the whole situation. So much sadness on both sides, father and daughter. He just needed to put his own feelings and ego aside, but that seems too difficult to do because he made it so inside his head.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Better sit her down and explain it to her. Adult Children of Emotional Immaturity by Lindsay Gibson. Eye opener. I'd read this at her age. But if you don't fix it right away, this'll be the type of kid very vulnerable to child molesters or young boys for sexual gain. Not to mention wife beaters. Show her The Gift of Fear. Gavin DeBecker. Maybe read it first.
Chocolate Souljah
Chocolate Souljah 2 yıl önce
4:19 - Blame shifting, False Accusing... 6:27, Then Playing the Victim, 7:32 Claiming to Have Memory Problems, 8:48 Bringing Up A Sore Topic on Purpose, 11:15 - I have a need to that you're not meeting and I need to recognize that need without telling you what it is.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
It's the garden of resentments. Lundy Bancroft. Let's say a couple goes to dinner 2 weeks ago. They had a good time. Then, he's mad about how SHE got the attention over him for 10 minutes. He'd been nurturing the bratty anger that whole time. It might lead to physical abuse or murder, too. StF AWAY from these types. Parents w Emotional Immaturity are the sort to pee on your parade. So, tell them NOTHING.
MommyIssuesASMR Aylar önce
“I have a need your not meeting and I need you to recognize this need without me telling you” Try getting this Before the first date, and all through Instagram posts , cuz.”they won’t call you”.
P. B Amygdala
P. B Amygdala 3 yıl önce
I'm really struggling after watching this video. I genuinely can't decide if I'm suffering from a covert narcissist in my life, or if I'm the covert narcissist and they're reacting to me. I wish there was clarification as to the scale and scope of symptoms. It is improbable that I'm the only person watching and wondering this.
Jakub Karwowski
Jakub Karwowski 3 yıl önce
Yeah what pisses me off is that he never responds in comments and hearts them only when the person is praising him or the video.
Jane Morrow
Jane Morrow 3 yıl önce
Dr Grande does make new videos when a question prompts him.
Delaryn 3 yıl önce
Exactly my question. I guess the only way to properly find out is to speak to a psychologist yourself because there are so many small differences to take into consideration, it's what they've studied since years. Very informative videos still.
Mrs. Reluctant
Mrs. Reluctant 3 yıl önce
It's great how you sidestep yourself in this way. Many people here only see problems in others. I actually don't find it important, to find one person to blame à la "You have been first, you are the evil one" but to see that both partners are in a way trapped in this maladaptive interactional pattern. So the question is, how can I break the pattern effectively - It really doesn't matter who is the one who does this first, wether this is you or your partner. So it might be best to start observing your own reactions and start thinking about possible alternatives and slowly exchanging them by those you found out to work better for the relationship. If the partner sabotages this evidently, than you have at least a proof that you aren't the only one who acted in a problematic way. Good luck.
Marko Peric
Marko Peric 3 yıl önce
for me it all started when I finaly fixed my mental healt.. I was in bliss.......... then I remember a girl that was shy like me...... and I wanted to help her. be a hero... a saviour.............. but the problem here was... as soon as I though of myself as a hero, a vilian was born...... eventualy after 1 month. I got pulled in her rabbit hole of crazy........ and I kept going and going. and ignoring my intuition that was screaming from the inside.......... then the vilian started winning inside my head. and I was a victim in my head...... then I walked up to the girl that I loved and all broken,. I broke her heart as well............ it was very hard for me to let her go...... but I let her go. because... I couldnt live with myself knowing I have her in a cage. she would be like a bird without a song............. I created this hell in my head....... guess Im covert narcissist. by what Ive done.........
Carolyn Garza
Carolyn Garza 8 aylar önce
The vulnerable narcissist in a relationship in my situation only present hard for the significant other. Other people will perceive something off, but it's the partner who is being slowly boiled. As others have posted, behind closed doors, when that person isn't making major efforts to present normally, at home and without others present, we experience their insecure raging. And it takes sometimes decades for us to realize that that isn't because of something we've done, that we aren't enough, but because that person is so insecure they have been chipping at our self esteem to make themselves feel better all that time. When you realize it finally, it's maddening.
Nala Mahal
Nala Mahal Yıl önce
I think my ex believed something was off. He once told me: “I know I love you but I don’t know how I feel.” It was the most confusing thing I heard. He definitely demonstrated 8 of 10 of these behaviors especially blame shifting which I always called him out on but he would always deny it.
Baard Yıl önce
Narcissists know what they are. At least. That they are different. But. They are people too. They wish to be understood. Unfortunately - They are Dangerous and Detrimental. Damaging, Disempowering, Critical and Destructive. I/You cannot help them.
Lolly Watkins
Lolly Watkins 9 aylar önce
omg this hit, my ex said this.. "I love you and i'm committed but i'm confused and dont know what I want" -_-
Nala Mahal
Nala Mahal 9 aylar önce
@Lolly Watkins we want to believe the first part of the statement however the “but” negates all of it. Mine is the type to recycle through ex lovers and female friends than to have a revolving door of new women. He just texted yesterday after a year of no contact. Why? Likely because his birthday is approaching in two weeks and he’s probably trying to see who he can hookup with for his birthday. 😒
Lolly Watkins
Lolly Watkins 9 aylar önce
@Nala Mahal my ex was the sane. Recycled. I hope you ignored your ex. Your assumption is probably right
Christian Riopel
Christian Riopel 2 yıl önce
Having anxiety and often being unable to express negative feelings I was super scared I could be a vulnerable narcissist but after watching this I feel a lot better. I have issues don't get me wrong but it's now clear to me that this isn't one :) This was more helpful than you know. Thank you Dr Grande!
Eg 1216
Eg 1216 Yıl önce
May be anxious attachment. I suffer from that too due to a narcissistic father as a kid
Eg 1216
Eg 1216 Yıl önce
Billy B yes and the abuse causes trauma for sure.
Thank you for producing and making this information available. As I listen to you discuss the VN behavior and reasons for them, I start to wonder if there is any assistance for the VN who is seeking to change, but is being judged as if they KNOW what is right, but are just behaving badly. Almost as if people want them to "be right and act right" but all they have training in is knowing how to APPEAR right. I don't know if this makes sense, but to me it's like as a vulnerable narcissist, causing trouble and destruction, some of this is because we missed the boat as children, and only have the defensiveness that was passed down by people doing the same thing. How does a VN retrain their minds if they would happen to want to? A lot of what I hear is these behaviors are wrong - as if people/experts think "if I just show them ow wrong they are, they'll change", but I wonder if VNs, who have been pretending all their lives, just don't know where to go for what everyone (those calling themselves normal) else had growing up - that is invisible and seems unattainable, but would lead to acceptance.
Suzy Schulman
Suzy Schulman Yıl önce
Can you talk about when a vulnerable narcissist intentionally or subconsciously villainize people that they perceive to be a threat so they can be a victim and gain sympathy from their desired person and alienate these people from their desired person so that they can isolate them?
Mary M
Mary M Yıl önce
that's called flying monkeys. they enlist others to criticize you.
IAMLXGEND 5 aylar önce
I think you just talked about it.
A Miller
A Miller 3 yıl önce
They can dish it out but can’t take it. Truer words never spoken!!!
Jennifer lawrence
Jennifer lawrence 2 yıl önce
It's so interesting to me that almost everyone in the comment section is the victim of the narcissist, but no one is stepping up saying, wow, I think that's me!
Deena 2 yıl önce
Its very true. I said that to my ex narc and he went into a narc rage.
Jojo Yıl önce
@Jennifer lawrence I'll be the first then. Hey i think I am a vulnerable narcissist
Vasilije Nicic
Vasilije Nicic Yıl önce
@Jennifer lawrence They like to think of themselves to be more similar to grandiose narcs tho
I am Well
I am Well Yıl önce
That’s my fiancé to a T! So passive aggressive since I moved in. I’m in the process to taking steps to leave. I’m not sure it’s because he’s a covert racist but wants me to control while looking like he’s not racist
QuartuvLarry Yıl önce
I’m pretty sure I’m not a narcissist, but one time I said something so horrible in public, that my mind balked, and completely purged the memory of even the thing I said. And there I was, everyone staring at me, shocked, and I couldn’t even remember what I said just a second before. Blackouts are real😳😳😳
Stellar evolution
Stellar evolution 24 gün önce
Dissociation during stress it sounds like.
Christina Aaliyah
Christina Aaliyah 2 yıl önce
This was so helpful thank you. Some thoughts that stood out to me. "I'm deeply hurt by receig this criticism, but hurting you will bring me some relief" "The idea of criticism is offensive to me, critism is offensive to me. Critism is only for people who are not perfect" "I only value the feedback from perfect people, and you dont fall into that category" "You criticised me, which shows you sont love me, so I am going to hurt you" "I didn't think you'd have the confidence to stand up for yourself, now I have to remove myself from the situation that I caused" "I like to see people suffering without my actions being the direct cause of their suffering, o that my actions cannot be blamed" "I felt sad today so it felt fitting that I try and make you feel sad too" "I know that high status people earn a lot of money and I want to be regarded as a high status person" "I will show you that I have power and then you will follow me" ⭐"I know that I'm weak and I'm trying to over compensate by dominating others" ⭐
t Yıl önce
I am a vulnerable narcissist to a T. It makes me sad, but it's the way I learned to be and it's very hard to break thinking and behavior patterns in ones 40s.
Dee loved by two xxo
Dee loved by two xxo 2 aylar önce
Excuses. Exactly what a crazy PSYCHO narc would say. Good one sug
Gabi Wenzelow
Gabi Wenzelow Yıl önce
My mother is a covert narcissist rather she has high traits on the spectrum. I found this video to be most helpful for trying to decode some of her irrational illogical accusations, thoughts and behaviors. Thank you! Good job 👍
Jack Petersen
Jack Petersen Yıl önce
Gabi Wenzelow,You got a lovely smile 😊
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Don't tell the sh*t. That's what I do. The weather. That's all.
DrS 2 yıl önce
This was a great way of describing the behaviors of a vulnerable narcissist. By telling us the thoughts behind their actions, it's more easily understood. If you simply list the traits of this disorder, they can seem very different. Almost a depression or sad state of mind, with no 'ill will' or meanness on their part. You cleared this up for me, nicely. Thank you for this excellent analysis.
Krystal Ogoke
Krystal Ogoke 9 aylar önce
Hi :). I seem to identify with the "depression or sad state of mind with no "ill intent"" part that you mentioned. I've been trying to figure out whether I am a vulnerable narc. There are parts of this video that I do unfortunately relate to. I was wondering if you could give me more insight on your own observations of people with this disorder?
Juliette N
Juliette N 2 yıl önce
My ex-husband would always shift the blame or deny it happened. If you confront him with evidences or point out to logical inconsistencies in his thinking process he would tell you that you are overreacting or just stop the argument and avoid you for the entire week, then came back like nothing happened.
Giselle Sinclair
Giselle Sinclair Yıl önce
Thank goodness he is an EX!
Llama Llam
Llama Llam Yıl önce
Definitely a narcissist
Darlene Alessio
Darlene Alessio Yıl önce
Exactly where did they become wired this way in the womb, starting with their limbic system of the brain development this seems likely
Mary M
Mary M Yıl önce
My husband's mother is like this. He has mentioned events from his childhood where she came off as less than a perfect mother. She completely denies it ever happened. Granted, he tends to suffer in silence when things go wrong, but she may be the reason. Once he fractured his ankle and she wouldn't take him to the doctor. Another time he had a concussion and severe headaches for days, and again she said it wasn't important enough to go to the doctor.
BellaSpivey Yıl önce
Wow. My ex had high covert narcissist tendencies( he went to the therapy) he would always say something is off about himself but didn’t know what it was/ feelings and he felt uncomfortable.
Brandi Nicole
Brandi Nicole 6 aylar önce
Wow! 14 years of my life. 😮 I took a lot of blame and shame for years. Clarity is enlightening. Sad I endured and believed it but happy this video is here. I am grateful. ❤
PW Yıl önce
So interesting! When my adopted daughter would get in trouble, I would try to find out how she connected the dots, what was her thinking. She would tell me mom, I looked around and saw how everyone was so happy and it's not fair that they had this good life and I didn't get that. She had severe trauma when younger. So sad. She would act up so they would feel as miserable as her. She wanted to draw them in to her pain like it gave her a sense of relief.
Mary M
Mary M Yıl önce
My daughter had a friend like that. She kept trying to make it better for her friend. Finally ended it, thank god. So much misery.
BAsh90 9 aylar önce
I am an adopted person and I recall being a self-harming, miserable teenager who thought it was so unfair that others were happy, had families they actually belonged to, etc. Now as an adult I am pondering all the ways I self-indulged in my misery and desperately sought after validation.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
@BAsh90 Why not consider it makes you tough as hell. Look at what the Depression people had to put up with.
Valerie Walker
Valerie Walker 9 aylar önce
I love that Dr Grande has many subscribers without using any crazy transitions or cuts, he just get his audience with his pure professionalism that you can’t simply fake and I love it! Thank you ahha
Raygayman 10 aylar önce
You just explained my entire life. Now that I have a better understanding of myself, I can get the effective help I need. I’ve been asking myself forever why do I feel this way? Why do I act this way? Why do I push everyone away when their not giving me what I want or not acting the way I want? I’ve been asking myself for so long. Thank you so much.
Mr. Vargas
Mr. Vargas 3 yıl önce
They are so damn good at twisting everything you say against you too. Often you feel completley drained of energy when you dealt with one of thoose predators.
Lma 3 yıl önce
Don't give them too much credit now. Being a leech isn't a strength or skil.l it means they're so bad at everything they do, they have to take from everyone else.
cross 2
cross 2 3 yıl önce
I've given up having conversations with the VN in my life and have just retreated into myself since that is the only option I have.
Ehsan H
Ehsan H 3 yıl önce
The narcissist gets worn out too. They deflect responsibility onto you.
Vapor Knight
Vapor Knight 3 yıl önce
Restate that you spoke clearly and your words don't require reinterpretation. Here's the piece you might be missing in your puzzle.
Vapor Knight
Vapor Knight 3 yıl önce
When you work with lots of money on the line or peoples lives on the line you don't allow people to reinterpret because that is how the airplane falls out of the sky next time we get it into the sky, or that is how the building burns down, or that is how the bridge collapses. Take your pick and I advise people to learn what communication is, how it happens, and how to be effective with it if you're going to use it as your primary tool when dealing with people other than yourselves.
213 667
213 667 Yıl önce
So glad that I found your video! My mother is a vulnerable narcissist, and I have been afraid of walking down the same path as her. I have looked up so many articles, and always match some traits. I started more researching out of pure anxiety, then I found your video. Thank you for explaining motivation narcissists have, and I can finally convince myself I am not just a copy of my mother. Thank you so much for clearing my mind.
Dan korth
Dan korth Yıl önce
Crazy this guy nailed about 12 traits of my dad. My mom's losing her eyesight now and instead of doing anything to help her, he is immediately throwing her in a nursing home.
Elephantine 9 aylar önce
The concept of a "vunerable narcissist" is new to me and seems really useful in dealing with a loved-one who can be crazy-making. Thanks for this. :)
Stephen Cowen
Stephen Cowen Yıl önce
I did not realize that I was a narcissist until I started watching you videos. I am an attention seeker from other women and it has been a major problem in my marriage for ten years. We fight and she calls me out on all of it and then I feel shame and remorse intensely for about three weeks to a month then the tendencies start to creep back into my life and cause additional problems. I want help because I do love my wife and I don't want to lose her.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
That's abuse, bub. Emotionally Immature abuse. Hope she gets some sense about it. Because it's torture for her. Look it up online.
Ms. Mirror
Ms. Mirror 8 aylar önce
Sorry about that
cold grandpa
cold grandpa 3 aylar önce
For years I've thought my sibling with bpd always got along way too swimmingly with our vulnerable narcissistic mother. Its crazy how this video and others I just listened to while working with my nmom just put everything I've been saying about our family situation for years into eloquent language
a3dx _o7
a3dx _o7 3 yıl önce
You are hitting some points that's making me feel such high levels of embarrassment. I'm hitting myself in flashbacks about how I tend to be. I cant afford therapy so I'm kinda wondering how I can deal with myself if I am a vulnerable narcissist. I guess being aware of it is a good place to start.
North Star
North Star 2 yıl önce
All people have all traits, but the amount is important. Watch also dr Les Carter
JNEIL 2 yıl önce
I feel like I may be guilty too. I think it's a lack of self awareness. Sometimes I get so into my head that I'm not even thinking about how I must be making others feel. It's like I think the other person doesn't mind my pity parties. And I have such a bad habit of saying rude things if I feel attacked. And it's like, in my head, I feel like a douche and I even realize how ridiculous I sound as I say cringy and rude things. But it's like I have an angel and devil on my shoulder, but the angel just sits back and let's the devil take over. Also about the empathy thing. It's like I only feel empathy if Im long removed from the situation and reflect over it. And even though my apologies seem insincere just to get back together with a mate, it is sincere because I was left alone to sit in it and reflect. I just wish I could have self control. But I'm always feeling like a victim. It's like, well I lost my dad at an early age, my mom has became an abusive alcoholic after he dies, she remarried an abusive psycho I and was mistreated and bullied by peers in school due to being a quiet anxious kid. And now it's my turn to be number one and get the respect owed to me. But deep down I know it's not everyone else's fault. I just want to be ok with myself and not need to fish for compliments and remind people they aren't better than me even when they don't claim to be. I want to be a legit good dude.
Nathan Gordon
Nathan Gordon 2 yıl önce
The mere fact you’re reflecting on it is a good thing, my mother is a vulnerable narcissist but I know for a fact she’d never admit to having some symptoms
Diana Hernandez
Diana Hernandez 2 yıl önce
I am aware.of it too.
Jeanette York
Jeanette York 2 yıl önce
@Nathan Gordon thanks for that comment...I was thinking the same thing. A VN will never even utter a self- exploratory question or admit the possibility that anything could be amiss with the VN. I think we all have traits like this sometimes... but VNs are like that all the time, and they believe in their own self-perfection at all times.
Batya Guarisma
Batya Guarisma 2 yıl önce
I'm blown away. I can't believe how accurately this describes my ex husband. Previously I suspected he was something of a narcissist but it didn't quite line up with his behaviour. This is it. Having to co-parent, I still end up sucked into this tennis ball game. I criticize something he did to the kids, he launches a verbal assault to wound, jumps to other sensitive topics, denies abusive episodes from our marriage, calls me the lunatic, shows my feedback is unimportant by bragging about something that makes him superior to me. Thank you so much for helping me understand what his motivations are.
Auntie M
Auntie M 2 yıl önce
I am accused of setting traps, both physical and emotional. For years this caught me off guard because that just isn't me - especially with someone I love! My love tank is almost empty now - and I still would never set a trap for my narcissist.
Stefan Roche
Stefan Roche Yıl önce
Thank you for this video. I’m currently in the process of trying to piece together truths about myself and family of origin. I do find that unfortunately a lot of these traits feel accurate describing me and my parents. I’m trying to do work emotionally, and make sure I do not repeat these patterns of abuse and manipulation.
Miss Yıl önce
This is spot-on. My mother abruptly stopped talking to me 10 years ago, because she held a grudge from back when I was a kid and she was apparently disappointed in me that I didn't morph into what she had always wanted. Instead of just sitting down to talk about things and work through it, it was easier for her to cast me out of her life.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Is there a downside? Minus lack of inheritance? I'd keep proof she's not in her right mind. You should be able to at least get a nice car or something out of it, imo.
DeepQuake9 2 yıl önce
I’m totally over it. No contact period! There went my empathy... for them
Tim G
Tim G Yıl önce
Lol, fancy seeing you here.
Kryptonite Yıl önce
how long until you broke? lol
Hannelore Korsman
GOOD FOR YOU, focus on making your life better, they can choose wether its with or without them. You set your boundaries. I would very mich recommend the “without them” option.
Jill Mobley
Jill Mobley 9 aylar önce
If you feel it’s what’s needed. It likely is.
Simone Stubbs
Simone Stubbs 3 yıl önce
The best part is, after each video I have a full understanding and no confusion about what you're presenting. Clear, calm, concise. Rekindled my love for psychology. Your an excellent teacher Dr. Grande.
J. Clayton
J. Clayton 2 yıl önce
pseudo science.
C Dorothy
C Dorothy Yıl önce
Agreed with the big comment
Flamsterette Yıl önce
Pongant Yıl önce
Thanks for this video. I'm pretty sure to be living with a gaslighting, whiny, and frankly rather miserable person, who constantly puts me down in each and every situation. This really helps me a lot, because I can try to understand how they think.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Just leave, wtf are you waiting for?? They're not changing. Assume they might move to assault abd be armed with a plan. Self defense. Mace. Whatever. Don't get in arm's reach of them. Ever.
Lemuria GameDev
Lemuria GameDev 4 aylar önce
Utterly amazing summary of typical behaviour. I could spot the narc in my life in almost every one of them, and the thoughts behind them make total sense. From what I can see, you are spot on and really put it very well into words.
Laura Catherine
Laura Catherine Yıl önce
Thank you for making this video.'m depressed/anxious/OCD etc. So I was really beginning to think i was a vulnerable narcissist. Yet I don't do any of the blame shifting or avoiding issues by claiming memory lossand trying to do anything to hurt anyone. so I'm realizing that I might just have the traits of as someone who has PTSD rather than vulnerable narcissist.
Juliet Capulet
Juliet Capulet Yıl önce
Becoming the victim after attacking...YES. A hundred times yes. Good info, Dr. G.
Lynne C
Lynne C Yıl önce
This was a masterful analysis of people that I encounter on my job in healthcare. Bloated sense of entitlement, the sporadic raging against ppl deemed inferior, with no repercussions after wounds inflicted plus tears and (see Kyle Rittenhouse) and theatrics if called out on this behavior, coworkers initially speaking to you expressing overtures of curiosity and friendliness and welcoming to team only to withdraw just as quickly sullen, passive aggressive and suspicious of you as they deem you a threat bc you “scare” them with your confident unbothered ness, will start arguments or questioning your intellect because you are of the “type” that is known to be derelict in form and duty. I work in a very provincial region of the US… its exhausting.
Glauco Araujo
Glauco Araujo 3 yıl önce
Its funny when you said that the vulnerable knows something is off. I had a grandiose and vulnerable narcissist friend in my life, the grandiose always said that "people act crazy, people are stupid, everybody is wrong" . But the vulnerable in the ocasions that he was in a life crisis he would say: "i think im a little crazy, i think im paranoid, i have a lot of hate inside.." Its like he knew something was wrong in those moments, and then he would later "forget" that he said those things. And both said to me at some point: "i have a love/hate relationship with my mother" 😐
Dmitry DT-PMF
Dmitry DT-PMF 3 yıl önce
That's form of manipulation. They're saying these things because it is expected, "I saw it in the movie, that's good line, normies say these things all the time".. yeah. Don't fool yourself, they don't forget shit. Whatever they say is pretentious/mask.
shadrach 3 yıl önce
Dave Jones I dated one who had “trust issues” . He wouldn’t pay any bill online. He had trust issues bc he couldn’t be trusted.
Glauco Araujo
Glauco Araujo 3 yıl önce
@shadrach same with my friend.
K K 3 yıl önce
@Dmitry DT-PMF so true. they forget absolutely nothing!
Ethan Poole
Ethan Poole 3 yıl önce
shadrach I’m not sure that is necessarily a good example of trust issues being evidence of being untrustworthy. It may well be perfectly accurate for one specific individual and their tendency to project but certainly not a universal example/truth of untrustworthiness, which is how it came across to myself. I don’t care for online banking as I don’t really trust such either as the only “paper trail” (more accurately, audit trail) it leaves is a strictly digital one, so if anything happens in the banking system that corrupts that digital record there will exist no reliable evidence of payment rendered (I’m rather intimately familiar with computer security, hence my concerns). I also have deep seated trust issues with respect to relationships (and hence have not been in any for over 25 years though I desperately desire such), but not because I am untrustworthy. Most who know me have no issue whatsoever trusting me with just about anything, whether personal or of great value, and would describe me as trustworthy almost to a fault. My trust issues come from a history of considerable past abuse in childhood coupled with abusive partners when I tried dating in my early 20s and those experiences are what have left me unable to trust others. So while projection is a legitimate concern with certain personality types one must also be careful not to see projection in every similar example as one may have great difficulty trusting others without necessarily being untrustworthy themselves (nor is their lack of trust necessarily reflective of you or even how they may perceive you as some of us simply have very traumatic pasts, unfortunately, and trust can take a very long time to establish).
muzictalks 2 yıl önce
The reality thing is soooo spot on. I used to always say like this isn’t realistic or how reality works. And they literally would be like idc it’s what I want. “I have the right to be selfish and uncaring if it gets me what I want”
Vixinaful Yıl önce
This truly is supereducational. Ive learned more from the internet than I have through any form of therapy Ive ever been in. And its free! Doesnt get any better. THANK YOU, Grande! Ive had one of three in my life for 3,5 years and I ended up bedridden in heartfailiure and nearly passed. Close to EVERYTHING you say in this video I recognize from saying he's the best at the office and that the coworkers are lazy and lets him do all the work while they do nothing and that he was the least paied at the job to having memory problems and "I dont remember saying that" I called his office and told them he was doing drugs and expected not to be believed (I had to, he went to work high) bc its hard to believe that shy little guy is a drug addict but good god, they not only believed me but said before I had the chance to his name and then "Ah, yes there have been problems around him" So I can only imagine what damage he's caused in that office, they basically sais they wanted to get rid of him and just needed a valid reason and this would be it so they asked e why I hadnt called earlier as in "We could have gotten rid of this guy earlier" he would also show me his bank accounts and how much money he had saved. i thought it was bc I told him I had been hit on by this rich dude but maybe not..since they do this to show how great they are. What a tasteless monster. I had a psychological crisis due to longterm psycholocal abuse according to the citys mental emergency room I called and his job wants him out, his ex doesnt want him back and tells him to move on (he ofc refuses to leave her alone) and reporting him to the police didnt help, he was at my door only 3 months later. Now he's in narcissistic hibernation aka selfpitying in depression bc noone wants anything to do with him except his druggie friends. But just wait, I'm recovering and when he comes next time I will INIHILATE him. If he thinks he's bad off now, he hasnt seen a thing what goes for narcissistic injury. What a little MONSTER! No wonder he in the beginning told me "Im broken" bc he really is. He's not even functioning, he lays all his free time on the couch self pitying and doesnt want any help for it. NASTY person, euw!
Leah Williams
Leah Williams 8 aylar önce
Why would you rat him out to his job?
Vixinaful 8 aylar önce
@Leah Williams So you did NOT read what I wrote then, lol! I was trying to get him help for his addiction.
Anton 2 yıl önce
I was reading a science paper recently about America that talked about how 9.9% of younger adults now display the symptoms of npd compared with around 3% of adults over 65 years of age. Apparently throughout the western world the levels of people displaying the symptoms of npd are also going up. It really does seem to be everywhere. Most places I have worked have had at least one person displaying enough symptoms to meet the npd threshold with a few other employees also being close on the spectrum. I think the only way to not be around people like this is to get an independent role where you don't have to deal with coworkers too much. The numbers are looking like almost one in ten people are closing in on the npd threshold. How else can we escape this? They also always seem to get along well with each other in a kind of childish way. I am going to have to move jobs again to try and avoid a new person put in over me. Part of me thinks that it would be better to actually resemble these people more to be ok in these workplaces. The other part of me thinks that I have to try to just have jobs where I have limited interactions with other coworkers.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Work from home and tell them NOTHING. Nice weather. That's IT.
Laureen Johnson
Laureen Johnson Yıl önce
Very interesting information! I am just learning about these personality disorders. I was in a very difficult relationship with my 2nd husband for over 22 years on and off. I loved him very much, which is what made it difficult to extract myself from this relationship. Also, he was very good at making it seem as though I was the partner responsible for making him behave badly. I didn't show him enough love or give him what he needed, and therefore, he acted out. I remember he would occasionally speak about what he was thinking, and I would be agast at how crazy his thoughts were. He threatened suicide whenever I left or made him leave. Finally, I was resolved to end the relationship, and I filed for divorce. He took his life. Information like yours about personality disorders has helped me process this and not to feel responsible. Thank you!
Mary M
Mary M Yıl önce
Too bad he wouldn't get therapy.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
@Mary M Therapy isn't a guarantee of anything. These are personality disorders. Not really curable.
Charles Fowler
Charles Fowler Yıl önce
Recently got out of a 4 year relationship with a VN. Never took criticism well and always would have to fire back. Always had a strong determination of getting revenge for anything. Kept a actual note pad on her phone of things that I would do wrong through out our relationship. Will always bring up these notes and past arguments. Would say hurtful things and won’t feel anything about it. Would throw her own accomplishments in my face. Usually only show this side to people that are close to her such as family members and me. Would try to portray a shy quiet image to strangers. We actually got engaged but due to this behavior things really hit a boiling point. We broke up and she started going on dates with people like 4 days after just because she knew it would hurt me. Whenever I would reach out to try reconcile she would make known about the dates she went on because she wants it to hurt however after making it known to her that I went on a date weeks later she snapped as if how dare u try to move on from me even tho your conducting the same act. In closing if you see signs in your partner try to seek help I had to deal with plenty pain to get through a VN relationship.
Charlotte Boyett-Napper
I was in a relationship for 7 years to a VN. Very destructive to me emotionally! I had to get therapy for the severe anxiety that plagued me because of his manipulations. He has tried to Hoover me since and I considered reuniting with him, but now that I am informed, I set my boundaries very clearly and I can spot his behaviors and call him out on them right away. I have confronted his excessive drinking and get blamed for it “I drink because we are not together” is the reoccurring line. Now he did the disappearing act when I stood firm. No more narcs for me!! It feels good to be strong again!!
Delfina Gonzalez
Delfina Gonzalez 3 yıl önce
Wow. In still in the relationship, it's been 13 years. But I'm slowly kicking him out, otherwise I'll have other issues with his childishly attitude.
Maurice Patrick O'Connor
Same here, I had enough back in 1997. Toxic and soul destroying individuals.
Charlotte Boyett-Napper
I was in fear that I would never find anyone again. Such a lie from the enemy. My counselor did the best he could with me but the true revelation came when I prayed and asked God to show me the truth about my VN and I literally asked God “please take these feelings I have for him away. I keep getting sucked back in”. I went around and around on that merry go round for 4 years until it finally dawned on me to ask God for truth and to take those feelings of dependence away. It took about a month or so of prayer and I finally started to feel free. I was still vulnerable to Hoovers for a good year but I finally moved on and the anxiety is gone.
Maurice Patrick O'Connor
20 years ago, I asked God for the gift of discernment and He granted my prayer. I don't hate the narcissist that destroyed my life rather I pray that the individual comes to recognise the havoc they've done to myself, themselves and others. "Love your enemies as you love yourself". Jesus Christ
I can't imagine being so closely involved with a narc. The mere thought is nightmare inducing, I hope the best for you and everyone else struggling with their attachments.
Sarika Sirumalla
Sarika Sirumalla 2 yıl önce
Completely true, initially I blamed myself a lot because I did not what’s going on. Point 6, I completely agree. I am suffering from this behavior every minute of my life. 😢 I don’t know how to come out of it.
Butterfly 11 aylar önce
You're absolutely right about them playing the victim! All of these points are spot on!
\\/\// Yıl önce
I'm continually learning about NPDs and this particular variation of Vulnerable NPD exactly describes my younger brother has been financially/medically/physically abusing my mother. He plays the victim card and thanks everyone else for finally stepping up to help him help my mother. The level of absurdity is just mind blowing.
Mary M
Mary M Yıl önce
My mother-in-law is a borderline vulnerable narcissist. Her daughter is also one, although more grandiose. The two of them can't get along, no surprise. I have some compassion for my MIL as she's in her 90's and her kids ignore her. My own mom was a depressed, mean person so the MIL is nicer than my own mom, as long as you stay "on the surface" and don't get into her trigger topics.
Twotailed 2 yıl önce
My roommate is a vulnerable narcissist. She bullies me a lot but then I feel crazy for reacting. It’s so hard, and I am not sure how to “win” and put her in her place because I am tired of having to just brush it off.
Diana Gonzalez
Diana Gonzalez Yıl önce
This is interesting. Growing up I had no definition for the narcissism my mother acted out, neither could I defend against my brother’s verbal dominance. Between the two definitions Grandiose Narcissism describes more of the behavior. I didn’t get out unscathed and have worked to extinguish some behaviors that seemed “normal”. Making sense of my childhood is now possible.
Jack Petersen
Jack Petersen Yıl önce
Diana Gonzalez,Yoh got a lovely smile 😊
S HenryRNBSN 2 yıl önce
Just finished my mental health rotation and I decided to delve back into these personality traits and styles. Man so much more information in these videos than a whole semester of nursing school.
Baroness Elsa von Freytag- Loringhoven
I get more out of these videos than I did from grief therapy.
Cait M
Cait M 2 yıl önce
Try living with one of these people too and you will be an expert.
Jessica Riddell
Jessica Riddell 2 yıl önce
@Cait M for sure! A marriage to one comes with a free psychotherapy PHD!
D M Yıl önce
Well … man Henry … if you look like your pic you can be my nurse anytime! Lol 😂 Good luck
Izzy Anderson
Izzy Anderson 2 yıl önce
This is really helpful in knowing what to avoid in my own behavior and what to be wary of in friends and partners. You’re doing good work Doc!!!
Ana Leticia Gallardo
I feel like this is my mum all over. I don't think she is malignant. But I think she always views the world through a rather skewed filter of being abandoned by her father and she therefore fails to see reality objectively (we all do this to some degree). She is the middle child, the only female with two brothers and became responsible in many ways for taking care of them while my grandmother worked to provide for them so I understand her pain. But at the same time i could not help feeling very manipulated growing up. I notice image is very important to her in the sense of being perceived as the ideal child, and ideal mother. She is very much a perfectionist. She did a lot of charity. She is always sticking her neck out for ppl but in a way that I think gives her external validation. I also notice she forms new friends and attachments with a lot of ease but also dissolves a lot of relationships with ppl rather quickly if they don't play nice. I think she needs constant reassurance and validation. She will become overly emotional and unpleasant when she feels we are ignoring her even when that is not the case. One example is during dinner conversation. She interrupts others but if someone else is having a conversation on the side she seems to be so hurt by it she will almost be in tears. I have often felt like guilt is her ultimate weapon. It has been exhausting at times especially given that I am the only child and we moved to Australia from Argentina leaving any extended family behind when I was young so I was the focus of her attention. It was hard to talk to her growing up as she would straight up deny experiences I'd had and say I must remember it differently so I gave up on trying to relay my own grievances. I am far far far from perfect myself. I've had a lot of issues to overcome including substance abuse which led to me making incredibly selfish choices. Unfortunately my mum seems to be a trigger for me so I see her but I limit the time. I don't think all ppl with narcissistic traits are "bad" when we are able to see how they came to be the way they are. Their behaviour seems to be driven by a void they always feel or a sense of insecurity.
Victoria's Tea
Victoria's Tea 2 yıl önce
Hear is also what I learned from narc husband. My husband is a vulnerable and grandios when it serves him. 1. Changing how invents happened 2. Doing you wrong first and then play victim when you decide to treat them the same. 3 play push and pull game in order to their need to act like single when they feel like it. 4. Focusing on your reaction to your abuse to make you feel bad for just reacting 5. Controlling all the dates and even the sex 6. Super nice to other women while ignoring me for long periods of time in front of them. 7. Pretending to be loving in front of important people like church members or school system or doctors. 8. Pretending to be an abused victim in front of doctors by making comments that suggest they are being abused.
Jacked Kerouac
Jacked Kerouac 2 yıl önce
One of my biggest regrets is giving up my independence to work for the family business. I was enticed by the job security and didn't know that I'd have to sacrifice my emotional well-being.
henwhisperer 2 yıl önce
Oh boy! I know all about that! I worked for my narcissist brother for a few years. My parents also worked in the same building with their own businesses. Brother got them on his side and basically just kept the narcissists play book going. I’ve only just realized that my mother was a narcissist too. Wish I’d known all this before I worked there. My parents are gone but my brother keeps me stuck in the worst version of myself. When I quit working for my brother the next thing I did was go into the woods and find a big stick. I used that stick to beat on trees until I had run out of energy.
G.L. Wise
G.L. Wise Yıl önce
Same as taking care of an elderly parent w dementia.
Theloveflows 10 aylar önce
Thank you! I really enjoy when you go down the list of disorders in a similar scenario. It helps me understand this🧡
Amarok 3 yıl önce
After 39 years as a mental health professional, I concur that I was more exhausted dealing with the nonsense from my colleagues than I was from delivering care to my patients.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Yup. Try REAL Estate. Scam artists and greedy, two-faced liars galore.
AnnaLee33 Yıl önce
This is so true....and watching your videos, Dr. Grande, is so educative and helpful for me! I wish I had known all this so much sooner in my life, suddenly, things make sense. You are doing a great service to people here!
LanaM 2022
LanaM 2022 2 yıl önce
I loved watching this one. I have seen all the behavioral video's before but this one could be watched over and over. I hope you keep recordings some videos to add to your awesome collection. This teaches us a lot and the way you present this information is so relatable.
Christian Pulisic
Lana Mulrath,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Patricia O'Doherty
Patricia O'Doherty 2 yıl önce
I love your teaching style!I have learning disabilities but when I listen to you I can understand everything so clearly,I am grateful.
Flynn Cook
Flynn Cook 10 aylar önce
As someone who suffers from vulnerable narcissism, I completely want to change. I’ve realized now that i’m older that something is wrong with me. I live day to day trying to improve my relationship with others, no matter how hard it is. I hate how people, are quick to judge me when I tell them. But I promise i’m really nice, and would never hurt anyone!
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
If you are, you're not "nice" by definition. You're probably manipulative. Not the same thing to be nice to get what you want.
Reswobian Dreaming
Reswobian Dreaming 2 yıl önce
Thanks Dr. Grande! You've described my Father perfectly, especially thought process number 7. I've had an on-and-off again relationship with my Father that became more obvious as an adult. There's been two occasions where he's rung me up and pretended he couldn't hear a single thing I've said.
GenXmum 3 yıl önce
Describes my ex husband of 20 years perfectly. Most resentful person I have ever met. Pouted like a baby every time his kids achieved anything.
Som Yan
Som Yan 3 yıl önce
Wow that's disgusting,not allowing not even your own children to become successful. Uterly distyrbing. Such parents are a case for years and years of therapy.
Marie Bernier
Marie Bernier 3 yıl önce
Goodnuff Fornow When will you decide that they aren't the problem?
Elisabeth McLean
Elisabeth McLean 3 yıl önce
Yes! My dad is like this to me, he will praise my achievements, and then suddenly be oddly jealous and critical the next second.
BobRooney 3 yıl önce
i'd be proud as hell if it were my kids. was he ever part of their success? kinda important to have that as a child growing up.
David Gregg
David Gregg 3 aylar önce
Thank you for your clearly articulated and informative explanation of these types. Truly lifesaving 💯
Christy Young
Christy Young Yıl önce
My sister is a narcissist. But her blame shifting is a bit different. It isn’t that she sees herself as perfect. She sees herself as innocent. She blames everything on others. She never did anything wrong or deserving of criticism. She would lie to get me in trouble. This started really young. I’m pretty certain she doesn’t understand that she’s a narcissist. She can be so kind and bubbly to others, but at family functions, her guard goes up and she seems angry and defensive. It’s getting harder for me to want to be around her. I’m realizing that abuse I suffered as her younger sister has shaped my whole life. I’m just tired of it. We are in our 50’s and it’s been a lifetime of me walking on eggshells and critiquing what I can and can’t say around her. It’s exhausting.
DWfinds Yıl önce
Definitely a vulnerable narcist interesting to kinda piece together lifetime. Having Grand narcist as a father that was basically served and everyone else was wrong. To being over weight in school developing defense mechanisms that it was easier to pick on than be picked on which I was a lot. It wasn't until my 30s that started inner contemplation and trying to work on it. Once you kinda pull that band aid that been your cover its been very depressing and over thinking constantly. Which I never did before, I just wanted to impulsively do something and I just did it. Now having been in the same unfulfilling job for 20 years, I'm at the point where I only see possible failure if I try and lack self worth. The more I pulled inward and stopped being social I lost feeling better from being uplifted by people complimenting me or thinking I was funny. I'm very defensive with blame, or being criticized as I'm always trying and believe if I do A,b & c that I should get some slack if I messed something up or didn't do D. Also that 1 negative after few positive ruins it for me if I work mowing, cleaning etc and they point out missed area or something its like they are putting down all the work and putting me down.
Bronxilla Da Bronx
Bronxilla Da Bronx 4 aylar önce
I think the "decoding" approach is extremely revealing and helpful. Do you have these set down someplace, not just for narcissism, but for other personality issues?
Job Well Done
Job Well Done 2 yıl önce
IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH COGNITIVE DISSONANCE- get it fixed before you get into a relationship. Once the WRONG person knows you have mental health “differences” they WILL TRY to exploit you. Stay strong! Know your limits.
Renee Nowicki
Renee Nowicki 3 yıl önce
I recently discovered my dad is a vulnerable/covert narcissist. Finding your videos is really helping me cope with the emotional abuse that I never knew was happening. Thank you for breaking down the delusions - the dad to daughter cold shoulder is exactly what I experienced for at least 8 years.
Flamsterette Yıl önce
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Library has it
Anders4771 2 yıl önce
"I never thought you would stand up for yourself so now I need to come up with a strategy to extricate myself from the respinsibility.." So they read a book on codependency and start calling you codependent and blaming you that you are the problem and it's because "you're codependent." This happend to me.
Coach Mandy Amelia
Coach Mandy Amelia 2 yıl önce
That sounds familiar....
Eliza Rob
Eliza Rob Yıl önce
My experience it's with someone who is psychologist. Just imagine all the illness "detected" on people that were made by this person. Even normal behaviors was considered by this person as "a trauma" haha
Christina H.
Christina H. Yıl önce
what if you leaned into it and said, I think you're right. I am a total mess and I'm not sure why you're even with me?
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Well, if you were married to them or with them longer than .4 seconds, they're right. Go read the same sh*t. You'll see. No sane person would tolerate their BS.
Elise Shoemaker
Elise Shoemaker 2 yıl önce
Hi Dr Grande! Love your videos so much, especially your Vulnerable Narcissist series. My husband grew up with an alcoholic VN. He is 22 now and is showing signs of narcissism, and some counselors have speculated him to have ADD or even some bipolar. Though, I have been married to him for 4 years now, I believe he is on the narcissistic spectrum. The ADD symptoms are just like the VN symptoms of being a bad listener, and claiming to have memory problems. The Bipolar symptoms are just like the VN symptoms of, erratic behavior, and just below the surface is hate and anger. And then all of the other behaviors you explained in this video he has every single one. I’ve suspected this diagnosis since I joined ALANON for support because I didn’t understand how to deal with the alcoholism in his family. My question to you is, how can you disband the loop or the “curse” as his own family calls it which in their eyes is just “bad behavior” through out the sons in all the generations. I see it as alcoholism and narcissism being passed down through the generations. How can we stop passing this down to our 2 year old son? I’m so scared of my child growing up like his father, and his father before his, I feel like I am in a place of power, being that I am my sons mother, but I feel completely powerless in preventing this feedback loop. My son loves his alcoholic grandfather, they live 2 blocks from us, my husband works with him. I have created plenty of emotional and trust boundaries, but still struggle with so many fears seeing that my own husband is rarely aware of his own behavior patterns, even though they are a replication of his fathers. Could you make a video surrounding this topic? thank your for your constant content and scientifically informed information you spread on this uninformed website. I appreciate your hard work, and dry humor.
L Yıl önce
It might be better to leave and not look back. Easier said than done. In my experience, if my mother had left my father early then a lot of abuse would have been avoided. Now as an adult out of my second abusive relationship in a row. I'm a straight guy for context. Good luck
Winds of March Journey/Perry tribute band
Don't get pulled in any further. DO NOT have any more kids.
jennifer b
jennifer b 8 aylar önce
Wow! My experience is Im recently coming out of a 6 year relationship with a narcissist. This is right on. But, during this same time I had a narcissist boss and this sent me into trauma, In addition, my father was a narcissist (RIP) and its comforting to understand what was really going through his head bc I loved him so much and I could never understand why he wanted to always hurt me, especially when I wanted to talk about something that hurt (I eventually gave up bc it made it worse) Its so relieving to hear the thought and how they are humans (I know its hard to believe they are when they are so hurting) I also found a few traits in myself ...I have 2 questions: 1. Do all people have a few traits without being a full narcissist. and 2. Do some people pick narcissists to be in their lives (like me picking a narcissist BF when my father was one?
The 1 That Got Away
The 1 That Got Away 2 yıl önce
Wow, this video gives me so much clarity! Thank you! I do agree a covert narcissist is a failed grandiose narcissist.
Wit Wisniewski
Wit Wisniewski Yıl önce
Getting into someones shoes gives far more understanding than from just theory. It also makes it possible for the victim to make the abuse conscious to them. Seems to me that narcissists attack and control through their victims subconscious effects in the victim, but putting explicit words on hidden actions should help them avoid injury. This route to awareness may be the most practical coaching method I've seen. Please - more!
LindyLooo99 3 yıl önce
The sickest I ever felt was when I realized I was encountering a VN...... I found out I would not get closure, so I took it myself. I ended the relationship and cut off all contact. Being around them makes me sick. I refuse to play with their insanity. They can be alone for all I care.
naka 3 yıl önce
Then don't become close with them in the first place. Why would you have a relationship with a person who's personality you don't like?
We Be
We Be 2 yıl önce
@naka because they subvert that personality.
L🌼ving Life
L🌼ving Life 2 yıl önce
Jaycie Victory
Jaycie Victory 2 yıl önce
Javier Donut Hi Javier. Please talk to your doctor. A lot of what you're feeling could simply be down to chemical imbalances in your body. Please reach out to a professional.
Karlien 2 yıl önce
Javier Donut I am not so sure...a vulnerable narcissist wouldnt listen to this.
Autismus. Ein Brückenkanal.
Went through all this. Thank you SO MUCH for your professional insight. Helps me a great deal.
The Nebraskan
The Nebraskan Yıl önce
Thanks for the awesome video lecture Dr. Grandee. Sounds like many of the people I have crossed paths with in my life’s journey. Keep up the great 👍 work.
Victoria's Tea
Victoria's Tea 2 yıl önce
The vulnerable narc coworker did exactly what you said. He sexually harassed me and followed me around at work with it, and when I finally said something he shouted that he was being harassed me, telling a lie.
Jennie Davis
Jennie Davis Yıl önce
I appreciate the thorough descriptions/explanations...I enjoy gaining insight into the abuse I tolerated ,frm my 2yr relationship w a Vulnerable Narcissist...
Ethereal Regions
Ethereal Regions 2 aylar önce
I was born into a unique situation where my entire family, including most of my half siblings., not only showed. But embarrassed the whole venerable narcissist traits that you showed here. They resented me, my entire life, since I was born. This is because I was born, a few years after a car accident, that took my mother's first husband, and my siblings father. It almost seemed like, they needed to hate me. In order to prevent, disrespecting the memory of the father figure. My mother would also tell me that she only needed to take care of her husband's kids. But this video is very helpful, since it actually gives me a peek into, the minds of those people.
monica Cruz
monica Cruz 3 yıl önce
I recognise every one of those in my ex partners, and some in my mother, the original narcissist in my life. I can even remember (and my mother has told me tales) instances of these behaviors in my grandfather. A friend who’s husband was narcissistic (or possibly had NPD) is now struggling with some of these behaviors in her daughter. I am noticing more and more how narcissism can pop up across generations, it’s so interesting to think about the interaction between inbuilt constitution or genetic factors, and what is learnt from environmental exposure. I do feel that the ability of parents to mitigate against trans generational trauma is being hampered by technology (there is less genuine connection between parents and children) and we are looking at a tsunami of poor mental health. That’s why these educational videos are so important, thank you, as ever Dr Grande
Kyle 3 yıl önce
Be careful to think more interaction between disordered parents and their children(us) would be better. Doing the "grey rock" and being invisible have certainly giving me my own share of bs to fight with. I fought all the "learned" narcissism somewhat successfully, albeit now resembling a failed narcissist, because there is no context for how it's "supposed" to be. Now, being used to fending off the hordes of npds in the unfortunate circles i've ended up in, proves to be alienating for "normal" people as well, since ofc they see "grey rocking" as the schizoid anti social response. Digressing - technology is amazing, like having access to videos like this, but used in the wrong way, the instagram, snapchat and reality show generation, its intensely damaging if any of that is taken as normal. It would be imperative to teach young people and kids, that those behaviours are anything but normal. Narcissism is portrayed as the new normal in anything mainstream/tv/ads whatever today(since catering to the ego(overt) sells, or making you feel better/smarter in case of reality shows. Clear cut learned narcissism) The mimicking on its own, for non-narcissists(undeveloped young minds) are extremely damaging for generations to come already. It was bad 10 years back, but with smartphones, its next level insanity when they hit sexual maturity from what i have seen
smushbrain Yıl önce
Your videos helped me get out of a psychopathic relationship. Thank you for sharing your knowledge Dr. Grande!
ocelot714 2 aylar önce
I feel like I am a recovering narcissist, like someone who recovers from other toxic substances. I don't believe people change internally, though we can identify, prevent, and modulate outside behaviors. It is a monster of toxicity, insecurity, and negativity inside of me. I watch videos like this to remind myself of things I've done or am capable of. I often warn people I meet of my tendencies, and I try to be as honest as I can(though I often overshare). I often fear I'm a ticking time bomb, like the old tendency will win in the end. Thank you for reading if you did.
C K Yıl önce
That was incredibly helpful in understanding the hurtful things my ex said and did. I know he often felt inadequate and inferior buy the things he said and did. He relished praise, attention and gratitude even when it was warranted to the point it could be embarrassing and irritating at times . His coldness at times was really hard to take but he also had Huntington’s disease and was unable to control some of his behaviour. It is and was very damaging to me.