Borderline Personality Disorder & Crying | Is Crying Useful Diagnostically? 

I'd like to share a story with you and your viewers, if I may: I was the one who discovered my girlfriend after she had passed in her sleep. My initial reaction was shock, as you can imagine. But after calling 911, what I did next was to sweep the floor, then begin to wash the dishes. For the next week, I went into robot mode, while working with her sister on funeral arrangements, and cleaning out her apartment. I never shed a tear during that week. When all was done, I was driving back to my house, and suddenly felt nauseous. I was barely able to pull over and get out of the car before emptying my stomach. After that, the floodgates opened wide. A very kind and understanding police officer pulled up behind me, and after determining the reason I had pulled over, told me he would wait in his car to ensure my safety, and to let him know when I was alright to resume my drive. It took about 15 minutes, and he never left. I have never forgotten the kindness he showed to me. For me, this crying was cathartic.

I grew up in the day of ‘stop crying or I will give you something to Really cry about era’ so I am glad more people are feeling their feelings and crying. Maybe we will finally move into a more empathic and healthy society 🌸

Thank you for speaking to that aspect of depression where you can't cry. It's a terrible thing to go through and, it's hard to explain, but makes me feel a little bit more seen which is rare with this stuff.

BPD with hyper reactivity - Until I found about BPD, I thought everybody has the same level of emotional distress as me and I'm just not strong enough to process it. You can't know what you never had such as more stable state of mind. BPD with crying - I usually cry alone. Whenever I cried, I was severely belittled, mocked and reprimanded by my mom so I greeted my teeth not to cry in front of others since I was 7. For almost two decades after that, it was one of my toughest struggle not showing my tears to other people. Well, I cried quite a bit in front of my ex-boyfriends though but I still cried alone a lot more. When I was a teenager, I almost cried alone every night after being badgered verbally by my mother and brother. I usually find crying alone helps me feel better. Without crying, I might not be here any more.

My boyfriend has BPD and the poor guy cries so easily, I feel so bad but I will always love him unconditionally. He's amazing and I hope he can get better. I hope you all do. Bpd is so sad to witness in someone.

I prefer to cry alone because when I cry in public I feel vulnerable. And I also don't like to draw much attention to myself. I feel like people are silently judging me as I express strong emotions of any kind.

I take care of a 44 year old woman with BPD comorbid with bipolar disorder who says she doesn't ever cry. But she really cries all of the time - she chokes it back. I've seen it a thousand times and always wonder who taught her that that was strong. I think it's a weakness. Thank you Dr Grande! 🌹👍

99% of the time I cry is when I am alone. My family is abusive. Narcissists and cruel. I am just figuring out how I feel so disconnected from them I am because I have figured all this out after it had loomed over me for years. Meaning I am alone because I am not married or have children. I cry because I am alone and don't have the sense of security of family. It's scary but so are they.

Dr. Grande, this video was so accurate that it actually brought tears to my eyes. Thank you once again for helping so many people.

I worked at a therapist office and certain therapists seemed to diagnose people with BPD more than others and sometimes it seemed to be more of a reflection of the therapist than it was of the clients (although I could obviously be wrong because I’m not a therapist and I wasn’t in session with them) but one lady in particular couldn’t get along with like half of her caseload and diagnosed about half of her clients with BPD and even accused me of somehow purposefully giving her the harder clients and giving the therapist across the hall the good ones . . . Good times . . . I don’t know how I would have possibly done that to her on purpose. The people would only talk to me on the phone for two seconds and I would fit them in the schedule where there was room . . .

I’m a BPD victim, I cry on a daily basis some days are regular crying others are uncontrollable crying and they sometimes come out of no where. I just get this overwhelming emotion to cry.

I have BPD and found this interesting. I’ve struggled my entire life with this in addition to some other issues. I am definitely a cryer. Listening to you speak about how others may react to someone crying, I thought about my own experiences. I don’t notice other people’s reactions to it. I’m crying so I just cry and go about my way. I truly couldn’t control or stop crying. It just happens. I may try to disguise it, but I don’t really care what someone thinks about it. No one has ever been unkind or judgmental.

My ex gf had BPD. I never saw someone go from crying to angry so fast. Almost in the blink of an eye.

I have a complicated relationship with crying. I call myself "a crier" and I am very forthcoming with this in new relationships (of any kind, not just romantic). I have always been empathetic, and have cried at movies, tv, and books since I was a small child. I also cry when a friend is hurting, or when I hear of something awful on the news. When I was pregnant, anything remotely sentimental would make me cry. That being said, I absolutely hate having people see me cry. There are 3 reasons for this. 1) when I was a child, literally every time I cried in front of my father, he would threaten me. "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." Every. Single. Time. 2) My mother was a teacher, but directed church choirs and was slowly getting her master's at night, so my grandparents would watch me at least one evening a week. When I was very small, I would start to miss my mom, and I would cry. My grandparents would never comfort me. Instead, the would laugh and mock me, saying, "awww waaaah, i want my mommyyyyy". Incredibly immature for two people in their 60s. 3) in my first serious relationship, my boyfriend accused me of trying to manipulate him when I started crying during a fight. Because of my family's reactions to my crying, I had never even considered using tears to manipulate a situation. I was so shocked by the accusation. So, as a sort of preemptive measure, I announce my tendency to cry early on, and treat it almost as a personality quirk. "Hi, I'm laura, and I'm a crier. Everything makes me cry, so don't be alarmed. I've cried at sandwich commercials!" That being said, I do my best to not cry in front of anyone, unless I'm in such a distressed state that I can't help it (I have major depression and generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks). Most of the time, i cry alone. And if I'm around people, I try to never "sob" and quickly wipe away tears. When i am very depressed, I do have periods where I can't cry. It is an indication to me that my depression has gotten very bad. As I'm never fully symptom free, even with medication, this indicator can be helpful, because it means i need to see a professional. The inability to cry is one of the most emotionally frustrating feelings I've ever experienced. Because I'm used to frequent crying, not being able to do so feels like a system failure. The desire to just let loose is overwhelming at times, and it can become physically painful. This has only happened a few times in my life, and the first, and longest period was followed by a total meltdown and serious suicide attempt. I can also control crying, to a certain extent. I am a classically trained singer, and I have sung at the funerals of all of my grandparents and my parents. I also gave the eulogy at both of my parents' funerals. I was able to keep from crying during those points. Well, thanks for letting me overshare! I hope some people who may read this can relate to some of my experience in crying

PAIN! It's the PAIN, Dr. Grande. I just hurt sooo much sometimes. And feel so low to the ground, like flat. Also, I tend to just seem to need to cry, like, if it's been a couple/three/four weeks and I have not cried, I will probably have a massive cry at somepoint soon, over a commercial or animals going extinct, but bawling even though I might not feel depressed. But on the BPD, if I am subclinical on it, then, I'm calling it, that it's the PAIN OF BEING.

When I think about my ex telling his 4 year old son to "stop crying, we don't cry", I want to fucking scream. If I couldn't cry I would break things and hurt people. Crying is an amazing release of tension. I feel flooded with calm after a good sob session. It's essential.

What if i find it hard to cry? I seem to cry over very small things but really tough things I sort of go numb instead of crying.

My mother is diagnosed with BPD, I found some of what you said to be true. In regards to crying, my mother can not handle ANY kind of distress, Distress with cause her to break down in hysterical crying. She also has no perception of how her crying affects others, growing with her as an adolescent and adult, I got so used to and numb to her Crying outbursts, I eventually just ignored it, she would often call me cold and ask me why I never cry....I do cry, I just do it in private. As I've gotten older and learned more about BPD, I can see that her perception of the world and expectation of other people's reactions is not "Normal" at all...Great Video, Dr. Grande. Thank You

Thanks for another very informative video! I have a question: I noticed a potential tension between the two conclusions concerning research about cognitive and behavioral strategies in recovering from trauma and depressive episodes. On the one hand, it seems that rumination has negative effects on mood disorders, so this motivates the idea that one shouldn't 'dwell' on the worries one has. On the other hand, the notion of 'emotional processing' of trauma seems to be taken as an important part of recovery, and (if I understood correctly) it involves spontaneous and repeated thinking about the worry (so after a break up one commonly finds himself spending time getting through details of what happen many times in one's thoughts). Now, I read somewhere that one way to differentiate between rumination and the processing with positive effects is that the former is unproductive while the latter is oriented toward deriving useful conclusions for the future. This difference, even though it is clear in principle, seems to me a bit vague when applied to concrete experiences. My suspicion is that the two are actually hard to differentiate if they are two distinct phenomena at all. The idea that rumination is bad seems to work well with the overall philosophy of CB approaches (focus on the productive, don't dwell on the negative), while the idea that emotional processing is natural and important part of recovery seems to me as something more in line with psychoanalytic and folk psychological idea that 'suppressing emotions' is bad and you should 'cry it out', 'let it all out' etc. I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on this.

Whenever I want to cry but am afraid others will think I am manipulating, I have learned to stop and shut myself down.

I sooo appreciate the diversity in topics discussed in your videos! You do a great job at keeping your content fresh and valuable for all kinds of viewers. I hope you’re ready for 100k subs... you deserve it!! I’ll try to contribute a topic suggestion: “how to make holding eye contact easier and natural”?

I would love to see a video about lying/deception. Specifically, the different reasons for lying a lot, what makes someone a good liar and some info about what lies are i.e. the what happens in a person's body/mind when they are lying.

An ex friend of mine told me and another friend of ours during one of our "ladies days" that she planned out lol that to get a point through to our husbands me need to scream and cry. I immediately felt that gut feeling that she is manipulative. Then when her personal home daycare who she was obsessed over decided to close she took the woman out and cried to her about her closing. The woman stayed open for her kids only for a couple more years! 🚩 So in conclusion she used crying to get her way. She manipulated me in other ways like planning these "ladies days" with even my sister and her friend on days I had to work. This stuff went on for 11 years before I finally went no contact and then she became friends with my next door neighbor because her husband knew him and started showing up over there for parties. Then when the neighbor started a new relationship and is gone all the time she sent a drone over to our house a couple times. It wasnt her personally managing the drone is was a mutual friend but it was also after my husband told them I hadnt been feeling well and we needed our space. Im pretty sure these are narcissitic borderlines. They will get involved with other people in your life and run a smear campaign. I couldnt believe it at first, thought it was anxiety but after seeing a therapist and sorting out all the facts I realized I need to stay away from this person!

Thanks for sharing this research info, it's very interesting. My mom had Borderline PD, and would cry all the time, sometimes "binge crying", in her room for long hours, or even days. She had absolutely no awareness of how her crying affected others, other than noticing that it caused her romantic partners to avoid her, which made her cry more because she was anxious/fearful that they would leave, which they usually did... Aaand an inevitable mobius of emotional instability was put into action.

Im a diagnosed borderline about 2 months into treatment. Im a dude, and yes I well up all the time but usually bottle it up (less with my treatment). The feelings, anger and anxiety, including sadness, are intense and lead to yelling, panic, and yes crying...Including a mixed feeling as mentioned.

Thank you for shedding some light on crying and Borderline. I was diagnosed with BPD, at 36, and am now, 67. I cry very easily. It's, definitely, not manipulative. Tears well up, especially, when I am remembering something distressing, sad, etc, from the past, or when I'm experiencing remorse for something I did that I feel badly about. I also cry when I see suffering, in others, that I do or don't relate to. Suffering, in general, upsets me. It can get embarrassing to just start crying for no apparent reason. It just bubbles out of me like an artesian well, with no effort, on my part. It's quite automatic. I admit to feeling better after I cry. Perhaps, I cry to release the pressure of past trauma that still feels like it's happening in the here and now. I can't seem to let go if the past. Someone can say something, or I'm watching something, and I'm transported to another time and place, where I experienced something similar. Just a thought.

Crying is *also* a symptom of certain (typically untreated) seizure disorders. And there often is *no* catharsis. Thank you for another excellent video, Dr. Grande! 🐯

I think perception and intensity are very key. I have bpd and I feel things very intensely and I also think I don’t perceive people’s reactions and emotions properly.

I'd like to see a comparison between borderline personality disorder and PTSD, particularly in young people emerging from extremely abusive family situations. My layperson observation is it's hard to tell from their actions if they're one or the other (or both).

I was crying everyday like this before I was diagnosed with depression and put on Celexa. I've always had difficulty identifying my emotions and I got frustrated when trying to express them. When I forget a few days of my medication, I can definitely tell a difference. No body wants to be around me when I can't control my emotions.

Diagnosed with BPD, on the assessment I started to cry in from of the lady who I never met before, since I’m in DBT now I got to know that it was out of shame and guilt at the same time and yes I have difficulty telling what I feel at the moment, most of the time I feel many emotions at the same time, which makes it so hard when it comes to observing my emotions...and describing...so DBT is extremely tough for me. And also I cry much more when I’m at that building, I know they don’t judge me, they don’t feel pity, they just accept me for who I am. I consider myself a high-functioning BPD, so outside that building nobody can see the “real” me, only the person I let close to me, which goes always as a disaster or tornado or hurricane after a while...

I am between diagnosis and in the process of a new therapist because I moved and it's scary but therapy helps so much. I don't know if I have BPD, ADHD, bipolar, Autism- I've been thrown in an out of all of those "labels". The only things that stuck was clinical depression and anxiety. I am hyper reactive and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to stop it. I am hoping my new therapist good and helpful. I has CBT for 2 years and then was meant to be referred for 1 on 1 psychotherapy but I got lost in the system (apparently). Here's hoping 2021 is the year of me finally being diagnosed correctly and given coping mechanisms to help because it feels like I haven't been living.

I have been diagnosed with BPD a few times now, I relate to every symptom as well. The other day I watched the Crab Rave official video and cried. They were overwhelmed tears at the seemingly happy and united dance of the crabs. I find that the things that cause me to cry wouldnt make someone else cry at all. Its almost like the frequent crying when you're depressed. Thats how it feels for me anyway. (Dont roast me)

Dr Grande, your video is very interesting. A few months ago I was diagnosed with Aspergers, My doctor turned and said I’m probably BPD to because I cry so easily. I thought that was weird until watching your video. Thank you for all that you do Dr Grande

Wow. Another great video. Over time, I realize more and more that the timeliness of your messages is astonishing. My history in spiritual fellowships suggests that when a Speaker is right on point for me that week, it's a sign that "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." And when I express the timeliness of the message to another attendee, they'll often agree that it was amazing for them, too. Ditto for what I've witnessed in Codependents in Recovery meetings ... everyone's situation may be different but the core feelings/issues are always the same on a basic level. With those two thoughts in mind, THANK YOU for being such a great teacher to me and countless others right when we need it. 👌😙👍 I am so grateful! If it weren't for your darned timeliness 😣and my blind trust in a family member 😖 while straddling the line between self-care and trying to steer my loved one in the right direction before it's too late, I'd be forking over cash. Right now, please accept my sincere thanks for helping me to try to look out for both she and I. Being a true empath, your logical thoughts make what she's feeling, while she's expressing it differently, easier for me to understand. THANK YOU, Dr. Grande!

very interesting! thanks for the video :) This makes me want to look into other disorders like anxiety and ADHD to see how emotional hypersensitivity and crying relate to them as well.

I'm not diagnosed with BPD, but an adjustment disorder. I do have long crying spells that can last for hours. This started sometime after I was treated poorly at my job, and received threatening indications of daily stalking from my former group of online friends, who I cut ties with after starting transitioning with hormone replacement therapy, after they started to ghost me when the transition process began... In general, HRT brought me peace, but the aftermath of escaping that online group caused me to experience a lot of emotional distress, as it became increasingly apparent they were emotionally abusing me for years, and also emotionally blackmailing me not to start the HRT process. I definitely don't have a strong sense of awareness of how exactly this crying affects others, but it would be nice to gain more support. To be honest, this crying seems a lot like grief, in the sense I wouldn't have imagined that my former friends would become stalkers etc

In 2003 I cried everyday for 10 months, I had 3 dIssociative identity for 3 days in a row, never again. I was hospitalized for a week and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. It took me 6 months after I got out of hospital to stop shaking inside!! Love your channel!!!!😊

I think that theory of being left without tears as an indicator for a more severe form of depression is very true for me. I've had MDD twice in my life, and in both instances, things have gone worse once I couldn't cry any longer.

Thank you for this info. My 19 year old son cried a lot when he was in elementary school. He doesn't cry easily anymore. This info helps a lot in understanding what is and what was going on. He is in therapy and I think it has helped a lot. Ty you again for an excellent video Dr Grande! Your videos are definitely up there among my favorites. The are very informative in a logical way.

I have been diognosed with BPD. I do all i can to not display emotions. Crying and getting angry was severely punish when i was growing up. I will still not cry in front of people and especially do all i can to not display anger and even punish myself for feeling angry. I was relentlessly bullied at school and even as an adult and if i couldnt prevent myself from crying it proved to the bully that they had won. I do experience emotions strongly. But battle really hard to not show or say how i feel. In fact my self harm behaviours, also kept hidden, are done to reduce the strength of the emotions.

I think 'hyperractive' response has everything to do with if it's in response to someone/something that is important or hurtful to a person. Not at all 'just in general' over reaction to everything.

Great shirt. Very interesting about crying. Everyone is different in what makes them cry. It’s fascinating how each and every person is so different. Have a great night!!!! Well done Dr.Grande.

Very interesting conversation. I had 4 female clients who all cried and elicited different reactions within me that I found puzzling. Client A cried and had no emotional/facial affect… I could feel the repressed anger and frustration… crying felt like a cathartic release. They continued to cry as we spoke but stoically. Friends claim their anger outbursts are very self-punishing and quite discomforting. Client B cried and it was a very intense and emotional outburst as they said that they were feeling so sad. Their partner looked somewhat bored by the response (as they might experience this response often as an exaggerated display of their feelings). I did not feel they were being manipulative despite the production of directed intense crying but that they were not able to control the intense emotion very well. Also a way of expressing anger and frustration but likely happened more often than not. When I would ask them questions requiring a cognitive response rather than an emotion-focused one, their crying would immediately stop and their affect would flatline and hyperfocus . Client C was my least favorite experience. If I accidentally asked a question that elicited the client to share an unsavory feeling or thought (they’d find fault to complain about in every single relationship and area of their life) and they realized it reflected poorly on them, they immediately would launch into tears and claim “you probably think I’m x,y,z or I’m [insert negative trait] and you barely know me.” Immediately I’d feel my defenses go up and feel my heart pounding… the client is attempting to manipulate the narrative and correct their image. The tears/display felt insincere and fake. Client D would display possessive and jealous behavior of their partner and cry while reflecting on what a horrible person they were to someone they loved. This felt congruent although they cry A LOT as a sensitive person… like a leaky faucet. I would diagnose all of these clients differently considering the crying experience. The experiences drop clues.

I didn’t cry when my mother died. Rather, I went completely numb and possibly dissociative. But when I had to give up our cats to the shelter a few weeks later, I bawled like a baby all the way (which is unusual because I rarely cry in front of others, and here I was crying in front of a bunch strangers.)

I've cried just about every day for the last 3+ years. Literally, no exaggeration. Maybe a few or several days out of those 3+ years I didn't, most likely because I slept all day or was somehow distracted from my brain (wish it happened more often) once in a blue moon. And it happens so easily, the tears come in a matter of a second or two after having a certain thought or feeling. And it's not like one tear dribbles down my cheek, it's almost like a faucet turned on very very low, it just streams and streams. I'm crying thinking about crying 😂. Ha...but seriously. All I've wanted more than anything is to be held and consoled by someone. my boyfriend..my mother...when I cry. Unfortunately they're both high in narcissistic traits and just ignore me. When I was little, every time I would start to cry I would run upstairs to my room and hide under the covers because I didn't want my mom to see. I don't know why. I don't remember her saying anything negative about me crying, but she must have and it's just buried somewhere. What an awful thing for a kid to feel. Fortunately I didn't end up as an adult who can't cry or cry in front of people. However, it's never acknowledged. Oh well, fuck em.

Dr. Grande, This is another great analysis. Many interesting topics come to mind as offshoots of this. For those of us who have worked with borderlines, we may remember how the various patients presented and we may have wondered at times how to interpret these varied states we observed. Then there are those of us, ourselves, who have not cried in years who may have at points had a cry and felt different and lighter afterward. We may have felt a letting go of the past hurts through that. Thank you for this analysis. It is helpful for much reflection.

I grew up with my dad being absent alot and feeling like he would not come back. I felt my mom worry about that too. I developed panic attacks about it when I was five or six when my parents fought alot. As an adult my mom said she did not feel like she could go it alone. I would not cry as much as stress out

I think I'm borderline personality disorder, but I put it down being a boxer, and then an actor - both jobs that demand a lot of persona creation. At drama school they tell you to speak with a posh accent so you don't get typecast; in boxing they tell you to keep a poker face, to never give away you're hurt or scared. In acting you explore your inner emotions, in boxing you don't show emotion. Not during the fight anyway. So I had all these contradictions going on, I kind of lost my core identity. my base persona. And in the end I really had no idea who or what I really was. The whole notion of identity became nebulous, without moorings as it were, I think my core identity is shy and withdrawn, but I've acted up so much to overcome shyness, I appear gregarious, even over-confident. Then other times deeply anxious and depressed. Sometimes feeling like a fraud, never being the real me, or not even knowing what the real me is. Any kind of profession that demands you to get out of your comfort zone, to find the 'real you' can ironically lose the real you in a myriad of personas. Or any background that spans identities, can soon leave you in an identity crisis. We like to think human beings are complex, are made to handle contradictions, but we're not really. Most people have a set, uncomplicated identity that they never question, never put to the test. Are not so confident in who they are, but have never put themselves in a situation to question who they are. And well they might, because in spite the modern insistence that getting out of your comfort zone is a great thing to do, it probably isn't. You are probably as well accepting the box that society has made for you. You're suffer less mental illness as a result.

Interesting Dr. Grande. 👍🏻. When you mentioned perception differences and lack of insight it made said sense to me. 💗

Dr Grande, I suffered a brain injury at age 6. A subdural hematoma that included swelling in my brain and surgery to remove the blood clot. My parents said I went from a care free little girl to in intensely emotional issues with anger among many other problems. My issues mimicked borderline tendencies although it was something I have learned to recognize and control. My anger issues have become so small it seems like a small Miracle. My question is why do you think there is so little study into brain injury and the personality issues it causes because the pain it caused my family causes me to feel guilt now. There is a guilt and shame pattern now that seems to have replaced my anger. I feel there is not near enough studies into brain injury and I’m ur opinion would u say the a personality disorder can be caused by brain trauma and is recovery a realistic outcome?

With regards to the crying, with emotional disregulation I have found crying can be indicative of heightened response to a stimuli and it becomes embarrassing so I avoided things that would cause me to cry. Such as church, the embarrassment of crying when I would hear music that touched my heart I become so embarrassed. I quit going. I can’t say goodbye to someone or recall a painful memory without crying. It has never been manipulative so I have never experienced anger from anyone. My sister has narcissistic tendencies so when she would cry it always seemed very manipulative and it makes me very angry when she cries. I can see that crying can be therapeutic but what should be done instead of anger to react to someone who cries as a manipulation?

As I person with bpd I can confirm I cry at least once a day lmao

I don't know what it's like for others but I find that my body reacts with crying even when I'm not really that upset... it's like my brain is broken and it's very hard to be around others and it makes them uncomfortable... it takes a huge amount of physical effort to regulate and control... it's embarrassing and exhausting.

16:25 > "BPD creates emotional situations that lead to crying" 17:35 > "crying, designed to be manipulative " Agree with the above two findings. My neighbour & also one of my three sisters (now deceased) fabricated crisis situations that force group attention to the supposed distress of the BPD person. Seems that low empathy on the effect of the whole group effect is missing. The BPD distress seems to me to be a learned response to poor parenting. Cluster B & C is taught by parental inadequacies to all the children. When funeral arrangements for either parent are done, the return to childhood pathologies happens to all family members. This is a very deep emotional process that later adulthood re-conditioning cannot avoid. My neighbour's family shows also clear nuclear family pathologies. Strict "tiger parenting" has created very anxious family systems. Any uncertainties will be created artificially, to generate an emergency system, where the goodies & baddies are clearly visible. If these extreme persons do not exist, every effort is made, until clear extreme polarity has been created. In this state of permanent anxiety & warfare, the hyper-stressed families then reach their stability of "coping", as they best know it. These BPD emotional states seem not able to be removed by any cognitive process. Much more research into social engineering is needed for these highly anxious families & communities.

What about Empathic types who 'Feel Alot?' They could be 'Cryers' too,being extra-aware and 'Feeling' or 'Understanding more' situations,whether watching films,reading well-written literature,or just empathising with other people's experiences?

Thank you for your videos. Please explore the topic of why borderlines who attract narcissists as romantic partners. I have BPD and had 3 relationships with narcissists in the past 3 years.

Official BPD diagnosed person here. Neglected to address my mental health my entire adult life, a suicide attempt by gunshot to the face brought me into medical care for the first time ever, CBT has been a tremendous resource, today I manage expectations better than ever before. I have decided that I don’t expect anyone on this planet to be able to avoid MY triggers, the love that I expect to receive is probably an unrealistic brand of Cathexis, I want to avoid serious romantic relationships, probably for the rest of my life.

Not everyone with these symptoms should be labelled as a borderline...theres complex PTSD from shittyness. Honestly humans cant judge other humans...including psychologists trying to put others in a box. It literally disgusts me. But I love your channel dr. Grande ...thanks♥️

I was diagnosed with BPD. I literally never cry. But, I used to when I was younger. I do not do well in romantic relationships so, I stay alone a lot. It is possible to correct your behavior with any personality disorder.

I have cried and been extremely sensitive about things that to others weren't big deal. earliest memory I have is watching a movie when I was three...and it had about a giant who was chased out of the town by town people. It was a kids movie... but I was inconsolable. my poor babysitter - when my parents came home I think they must have thought the baby sitter was being mean to me. : ( I also was completely sobbing inconsolable mess first time I saw Dumbo at 6 yrs. kept on thru out my life until I was diagnosed and got on mood stabilizers. the help a bit.

I've run across a few people who appear to use crying as a manipulative tactic. I can tell, because if you give them what they want, the crying abruptly ends and their mood brightens right up. Then I know I've been had.

As a young professional, I cried a lot when criticized or when I didn't achieve my high standards. I was always mortified by my behavior, as emotion at work was viewed as a weakness in my mostly male-dominated field. I tried everything to stop the tears when I could feel them coming, yet nothing worked. I learned to cope by heading to a private space where no one could see me. Through the years, I became more confident in my abilities and the crying lessened. Dr. Grande, do you have any recommendations on how to stop the crying behavior (especially when its inappropriate, like at work)?

I know this is going to sound strange but i thought everybody cried (not trolling). Amazing that having a shoulder to cry on (sort of say) is more therapeutic than crying alone.

Could you do a video on the scientific evidence for/against venting and other kinds of catharsis for emotional improvement? For example, if you are angry, will boxing make you feel better in the short/medium/long term than for example, meditation?

This is interesting. I believe my mother has BPD, although, not sure she's been diagnosed as such. If she was, she would never tell anyone. My mom does the crying/rage thing. She cries to get what she wants and if it's not working, she instantly turns from tears to rage and vice versa. She can be easily manipulated into thinking negative things about good people and turning on them. On the other hand, she will talk about the "good" in terrible people-pedophiles, drug pushers, etc. I was told when I was young, that I'd grow up having a personality disorder or mental illness because of my mom. For a long time, I was convinced of this and went into intense counseling for many years trying to identify with one. Though I sometimes do and say just as my parents' did and said, I, nor any therapist, could find a disorder or mental illness that fit me. Seems strange but if I was unhealthy, mentally, I wanted to know and deal with it in a healthy way. I do see that my three sisters seem to have narcissistic traits. I'm wondering if you could do a video about the likelihood of children developing personality disorders because one or both parents have one? I'm also wondering if could do one on how to interact with a BPD parent? How to avoid the rage, etc. It's very difficult to interact with my mom and I end up having long periods of time where I have nothing to do with her because of her extreme behavior.

All my life, people around me were being annoyed by my frequency of crying and thus reacted accordingly in mean ways, not knowing I was struggling with BPD. For instance, my father used to beat me up every time I used to cry.

Dr.Grande someone gave you a thumbs down for making them cry 😢. I however found your analysis spot on. My wish is they consider your feedback in the next DSM.

Your videos are awesome. Thank you very much for time, energy, and expertise!

At 67 years old, if I have BPD, I think this started as Aspergers female who was abused mentally and sexually from infancy, had no words for complex emotions. “She cries at EVERYTHING.” my mother wrote in my baby book. Parents treated me like I was purposely manipulating them, “blackmailing” rather than unable to express profound frustration, loneliness, grief, and physical pain when my physical systems shut down in overload.

"Lachrymal apparatus" is an interesting and amusing term, unique in my experience. Once again, you've expanded my vocabulary. It should be fun trying to introduce that one into the conversation. Let's see: This beautiful music is stimulating my lachrymal apparatus. --I'll work on it. Edit: Watching the news these days can send my lachrymal apparatus into overdrive. -Who among us truly understands her or his lachrymal apparatus? -The sad truth is that parental, familial, and societal responses, negative or even nonexistent, can cause small children to deactivate their lachrymal apparatus, which often distorts their perceptions for decades. -This actress was well known for having easy access to her lachrymal apparatus; in other words, she can cry on cue (or, should the movie express a bourgeois sensibility, she can weep at will). -Imagine a world in which people feel free to make responsible use of their lachrymal apparatus.

i have BLPD , thank you for your videos i have been in thearpy for years for it and have learned insight to myself and DBT has helped me so much , i love that you give more insight with your videos , i have wonderful Theripist but your videos help me as well as thank you

I love all of your videos. They're so informative and well-researched! Also, you have a very soothing voice :P Thank you!

My mother in law may have this disorder. It’s as if she has fits with screaming. Either she idolizes someone or finds fault with them. She instigatestrouble and plays people against each other. She likes to gossip. She has been very rude to me and then she apologizes while crying that I don’t care for her. She expects me to console her and tell her everything is all right so she can do it all over again. No one likes her.

I can't believe I just found this little 'gem' among your videos. Fascinating stuff Dr. Grande!

I had a borderline ex who had lots of trauma who would cry after seemingly innocuous things, like after she went running 🤷

I used to cry so easily back in the day, I don’t think there’s a problem with crying at all, Of all the jobs I have lost due to my adhd, I have cried every time in front of hr because it was absolutely devastating and I’m sure that my ex coworkers had a field day seeing me in tears 😭 also how is crying deemed as inappropriate? It sounds like that opinion was held by someone who likes to invalidate other peoples feelings.

16:30 As an indiviudual with some understanding of psychological science (4th year BSc-psyc student), who has also had two different psychiatrists - during treatment - say their clinical impressions of me was BDP/emotionally unstable PD, I gravitate toward this making more sense to me. Obviously this is just personal & anecdotal but figured it was worth mentioning.

i've been diagnosed as "Uni-polar" and PTSD. after years of therapy, the best healing was done while crying..deep crying...a LOT of crying...it's a way of letting go and it feels wonderful. i haven't watched your video..i'm responding to your title.

Having been just dx with this disorder and I am 73 years old my fear of dying alone scares the hell out of me. I am a kind caring person. Always taking care of others. When I need help no one comes to help me. I had 3 major surgeries alone. One where I needed help and I had no one. My children found something else to do or they were too busy to come and help their mother. This dx has devastated me.

My ex-wife cries on demand. She also struggles with emotional regulation, but she does cry to manipulate/avoid accountability and lay down a "red hearing". She was diognosed with BPD and ADHD.

Could it be related to the empathy paradox? My hwBPD and a parent who's never been diagnosed but appears to me to meet the criteria for BPD both cry at the drop of a hat. It can be over a scene in a movie to reacting to news of the death of a friend, tears of joy or deep sadness, a few tears to uncontrollable. On the other hand, they each have sudden, angry outbursts that are inappropriate and disproportionate to the situation and will become cold and leave the situation until they've had time to calm down.

I was diagnosed with BPD comorbid with Bipolar Disorder....I hardly ever cry, but I find myself angry at something everyday.

Emotional crying is a highly evolved, uniquely human experience in the animal kingdom. It is a gift that I indulge in often. Crying at home viewing a sappy movie is a common occurrence. It happens so often that a flight attendant once took notice of my tears during an in-flight movie as a cause of concern. It's not as manipulative as it is embarrassing. I am a survivor of childhood trauma, so I think the crying is most likely a cathartic process not fully understood and probably underappreciated.

I think we are hyperreactive emotionally. I'm well aware that things that make a normal person just a little sad feel like the end of the world to me. But it is true that we generally don't manipulate, at least not intentionally, and multiple studies also determined that.

Geez, I had know idea my despair and tears were seen as conniving and controling. Relieved I mostly do it alone.

My father I believe has BPD. He's consistently used crying as a manipulation tactic to circumvent accountability for his abusive actions. I cut contact with him 10 years ago and life immediately and dramatically improved for me.

In recent dealings with a borderline client I came across this video. It makes me wonder if it is possible that borderline clients under report crying. Perhaps and interesting topic for further study.

The most informative therapist on TRvid. Thank you for all you do.

I've been crying uncontrolably for 33 years over nothing sometimes and over positive or negative things, I've even cried in my sleep. Now in my 70s, I feel intense fears and crumble, shake and cry. It can be a sound or shadow and I over react.

Very interesting information. A person I am in contact with has many crying spells during our visit. I don't see tears. I don't want to minimilize what their going through. Thank you for your insights. If this person is relieved when I show empathy that might be a reason they do it. I find myself asking why. Feeling frustraited at times in this relationship.

I have an ex who I think has BPD she could cry for literally hours straight about absolutely the smallest thing. Even when she was the villain she would cry for long periods of time and it’s hard at times to differentiate manipulation from actual genuine remorse. She was very emotionally hasty and erratic. Her parents would tell her to go get help but they raised her with this “you have to be strong and independent” so she never went due to conflicting values. She would be so afraid of getting into relationships because she thought all relationships don’t end well. She would explain her emotions in very intense ways like “her soul being ripped out of her body”. Thanks for this video 🙏👑

Both my parents and my ex husband became angry when I cried. I cry when I am stressed. I'll ask my psychologist about it today.

Dr. Grande, Could you please explain the difference between sadness and depression? are they the same? I have this feeling of sadness from childhood abuse and early adult abuse and betrayed from my family and close ones. I know I am traumatized and I must have some mental disorder, but this feeling of "chronic" sadness is equivalent to depression? Thank you so much

I think manipulative behaviors can be conditioned and so develop unintentionally without the manipulator being aware when those behaviors are rewarded

The odd thing about my mother in law is that I’ve never seen her actually cry. I’ve seen her pretend to cry many times, but I’ve never seen her actually cry with tears. Not even when her husband or daughter died. She does this thing where she pretends to sob like a little child (even now at 75), and when she wants you to know she’s excited or happy, she will act the way you’d expect a young child to act when they’re happy or excited. Whether its crying or excitement, she always seems to put on an act. 🤷‍♀️