8 Signs of the Most Destructive Narcissistic Profile 

Being a narcissist means never having to say you're sorry.

You said “they attack people who attack them”. I have seen many times, and from my own personal experiences, it is more of a “perceived” attack the narcissist sees.

In my relationship with my narcissist ex boyfriend, every interaction with him had some underlying power struggle. It was so exhausting because sometimes I just want to have a friendly adult conversation without having to hold my ground. Its not like I was trying to steal his power, I could care less. But he constantly had to assert himself over me as dominant. It did not feel good. It created arguments which I always ended up losing. He would start verbally berating me & gesturing his hands in my face, with this really intense look in his eyes. It felt like anger was the only genuine emotion he ever felt. Glad that is over with now.

#6) "Sensitivity to other people asserting themselves is a sign of narcissism." THAT JUST HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. Thank you SO MUCH, Dr. Grande.

The hidden narcissist in my opinion is the most dangerous and destructive because they are so sneaky and cunning.

I think a lot of therapists are easily duped by narcissists. I used to see a therapist for DBT therapy, and I attended her group class. Most of us went voluntarily, but a couple of people were in there as some part of a divorce and/or custody process, either before or after separation. In my 8 months, I saw 2 narcissists, one man and one woman. The group was always a pretty even coed mix, and no one bought into the female narcissist’s story because she was actively cheating on and openly admitting to lying to her husband, and she didn’t seem to understand that we would all be a little judgmental about that, even in our wisest minds, because, hello, dishonesty is not okay and we don’t validate the invalid. But the male narcissist was different. His wife had already separated from him, and he “just wanted his family back” and every woman in the group, including the therapist, swooned and fawned and openly, audibly “awwww”ed at his story (except for me, of course, and I’m not sure if it mattered, but I was the only woman without children in the group at that time). But to me, he was a fraud, because I could pick up on little things on his language that were narcissistic tells, which I had hear verbatim from other narcissists. It wasn’t much of a surprise to me when they both dropped out of the 8 month course at about the two month point. The therapist totally fell for the guy’s BS and it really diminished my confidence in her.

It’s pathological. The trauma in childhood is an explanation of the behaviour. It shouldn’t be justification. They should be treated as disordered so that they can be responsible for their behaviour and also responsible for their behaviour modification. Narcissism is on rise and should be taken seriously. Excellent presentation Sir! 🙏

I escaped from a doomsday cult two months ago and this kinda info really keeps me feeling a little better and less cripplingly guilty for the actions of others, thank you Dr Grande for helping me stop blaming myself 💕

My covert narc mother used to regularly have roof raising rages at home but in public would act demure and quiet spoken with a forced fake smile on her face . What an act . She regularly told me how bad her mother had been to her and later tried to justify her constant scapegoating and abuse of me by screaming that she had 'put up with MY mother's miserableness' . I certainly never trusted her and actually came to hate her .

This gave me chills. My ex-husband was a president of a Fortune 500 company before the age 40. He was always mean but when he gained power, he became EVIL. It's one thing to read about these traits but living through them is unbelievable torture. If you are going through this, document your days in a diary and keep it somewhere safe.

This explains my nephew entirely. My late sister was married to a dyed-in-the-wool narcissist. She was very well educated, probably the most talented person I ever knew and rather wealthy. Her eventual husband had about enough education to fit in half of a thimble, a foreign national from Jamaica who came here to America with the clothes on his back, a busted borrowed suitcase tied with twine. She met Hobo Harry at church and when he set his sights on her, he found the Golden Mealticket. She was totally Love Bombed and he quickly found her Achilles Heel: she loved to be flattered and waited on. All through the courtship and engagement, he was like the perfect lapdog/servant, errand boy extraordinaire, personal chef and masseur. Needless to say, my sister paid for everything: she bought herself a $10,000 engagement ring, paid for the lavish wedding with a couple hundred guests, and honeymooned in St.Thomas. She also bought him a car and a van to establish his new business. Hobo showed his true colors on the first night of the honeymoon. He proclaimed to her he was the Entitled One and he would no longer be her personal lapdog chef et al and she better start waiting on him as her husband! What did my sister do? Finished the trainwreck honeymoon, immediately got an expensive Christian counselor to help the Hobo get back his 'first love' back. Needless to say, the marriage had disaster written all over it. She went through at least three of these Christian counselors with no success of him becoming his 'real' loving self. He treated her with thinly veiled contempt and regularly displayed alcoholic rages where the police had to be called. In this union, two children were born. The girl was absolutely born crazy. The baby girl screamed and cried day and night. Years later I asked my sister when baby girl finally slept through the night. She said 'I don't know! I handed her off to her father to deal with, I had a job to go to!' I later learned of Hobo's chronic extreme insomnia and he eagerly sat up all night with the little terror. Baby boy was born about eighteen months after baby girl and as a baby, the polar opposite of his sister. He was one the most pleasant, charming babies I have ever seen. I never saw him cry, he was always smiling and happy. On the other hand, baby girl always seemed to have a frown on her face. My sister was the only mother I knew who had to coach their child on how to smile. My nephew did a 180 when he turned seven years old. It was in his eyes, when he thought no one was looking or when he took a picture. I never said very much to my sister about this and to be honest, I really couldn't put my finger on what was off about him. She thought the sun rose and set in my nephew. After over twenty years of strained marriage, Hobo packed up and left on a Sunday afternoon, before my sister got home from church. There wasn't a note, a call or a text. He filed for divorce and spent years trying to get alimony or some type of spousal payout. He also did his best on trying to make her sell the house so he could get half. My sister had an excellent lawyer and Hobo Harry ended up with zero, not another dime from my sister. My sister's relationship with her now grown daughter was continuing to be very difficult. My niece from birth was always determined to have her way about everything, no matter what. Oh, but my nephew was the Golden Child and could do no wrong. He was totally solicitous and attentive to his mother. To say that she adored him would be an understatement. So when my sister was diagnosed with inoperable, incurable cancer a few years ago, all the masks were off and the fakery came to light. The Golden Child got a look at my sister's estate, control of all her bank accounts and assets. He declared he always hated family, especially me. He was a carbon copy of Hobo Harry, with an college education. He despised his mother for her ideals of honesty and holiness, and was secretly a heavy drinker and smoker, a habitual liar with murderous tendencies. I guess it's kind of difficult to say whether it was nature or nurture when it comes to my nephew's narcissistic proclivities, most likely both.

The vindictivness of a punishing narcissistic parent I've found the hardest to overcome. : (

The pathology of NPD has filtered down through the generations of my "family." I have seen first-hand the damage the son of a b**** known as my father figure has created. This toxic personality disorder deserves a lot of attention analysis and widespread dissemination. Thank you for doing your share of Goodwill work Gratis on TRvid. Hats off to Dr. Grande!

One of my parents has EXTREME signs of NPD, and despite the fact that I have not seen them since I was 13, and growing up, I was only around them every other weekend, or so, their behaviour still impacts me to this day. At 20 years old, I'm constantly questioning myself, and feel as if my opinion is not valid until at least one person confirms it. (Not just important opinions. If I liked a kind of pizza, and you said 'No, that's gross.' I would be like 'Oh. oh... ok.') I always feel dumb, and stupid, since I was often laughed at for whatever things I did, and when I brought any of it up, I was told I was wrong, without any discussion. It's so harmful.

I'm 35 and only recently I've find out my sister is a Vulnerable Narcissist thanks to your explanation. My childhood was difficult because of her and I had never realized the harm it has caused - up to this date as a grown woman. Anything I'd say as a child that adults would find funny or cute, she would discreetly come to say in my ears, when no adult was watching, that what I had just said was ridiculous, that I had embarrassed myself saying that. Not surprisingly, I have social anxiety up to this date and this has affected both my personal and professional lives immensely. I could never pursue my genuine professional dreams (become a Sociologist) because that would involve interacting with a lot of people and speaking in public eventually. She would change moods all of a sudden with something I said. One day a comment would have been funny to her, but the next day the same type of comment would bring her in rage. I never understood her disproportionate reactions and therefore was afraid of saying anything. She would see red by the silliest thing I've done or said, destroy my confidence and self esteem completely, and a few minutes later she would be the nicest person ever, offering me things, talking to me nicely as if nothing happened. I would get extremely confused and guilty, thinking how bad of a person I was for thinking badly of her. Mental confusion, that's what they do. Also, she was obsessed with the idea that everyone was jealous of her, she would be best friends with someone and then talk shit about them behind their back, saying they envy her. Once she was walking downtown with a friend, and this friend was approached by a talent agent who gave her his card and asked her to come to a talent agency to maybe pursue a modeling career. Scam/creepy or not, my sister cried non stop for a week because it was her friend who had been approached, and not her. I have many other examples, but that already gives you an idea.

Main thing to pay attention to: “cognitive empathy”-it’s learned BEHAVIOR; it’s not genuine.

This makes so much sense -- cognitive empathy as self-centered and the lack of emotional empathy : Memories are arising... connecting more dots. Thank you Dr Grande for sharing these insights.

My mother was SO crazy..I believed she MUST have been abused in childhood... When I became an adult I started talking to her family and friends about it..They said she was a SPOILED BRAT from the day she was born...no abuse

This man knows his stuff! There is no one better on TRvid with providing knowledge and explaining disorders 😊

Thank you so much for your videos Dr.🙏!! I’ve had issue(s) with narcissists in my life.. pretty sure it started with my narcissistic mother, so to a degree I was “trained” and a magnet for them.. My last relationship was with, what I believe was a malignant narcissist, who tried to kill me and he nearly succeeded just because I wanted to end the relationship, but thankfully, I was lucky enough to get away with my life, and after that nightmare I basically shut the entire world out, for nearly 4 years.. I’m just now healing and feeling brave enough to start interacting with new people again.. it’s really hard to learn how to trust again after someone you once thought loved you tires to kill you.. I’m so grateful for Dr. Grande informative videos, I’ve learnt so much and come so far just listening to his channel.. you truly are such a blessing for those of us who are unable to obtain or afford counseling. 🙏🤗

I'll always say that narcissists are half-way to being a full blown socio/psychopath. I've had to deal with several of these types in my life and there's always the (uneasy) sense/feeling that there's something wrong with them, but you can't quite, 'put your finger on it'. They tend to be 'big talkers', but the focus of the conversation always goes back to them and their overinflated ego. Their favorite words are often, 'I', 'me', 'my' and 'mine'. But because they're big talkers they tend to attract a lot of attention, which, of course, feeds their ego and quest for power. For this reason, they often have a pack of lemmings/flying monkeys following them around. If you dare to express independence of thought, feeling, interest, etc. apart from them, they don't like it. Free spirits aren't generally approved of or may even be perceived as a threat to the narcissist.

I found this to be incredibly enlightening! I was dealing with several of these traits in one person. I’m newly out of this relationship but I still have contact because this person is my son. I can admit that I was not a good parent when he was young as I was dealing with addiction. I found a way to break the chain and I’m forever grateful. I’m hoping to find a way for him to seek help.

Our youngest is studying Criminology at Uni, Dr Grande and your videos are proving invaluable, many thanks. He thinks your marvellous! He's right! Incidentally, I had no idea that vulnerable and grandiose could kinda segue but now you say it, it makes sense. Thanks so very much for sharing your expertise, it's deeply appreciated by the whole family.🙏

My dad ran off with a narcissist and he’s all alone. He lost everyone, he has no family and he dumped all of his friends for this woman. She also beats him. He allows it. He tolerates it. The last time I saw him he said he believed all the lies she told about us all. I learned that the person who decides to stay with the narcissist is just as sick, if not sicker. They ALLOW it.

I always find the interplay between cognitive empathy and affective empathy interesting. Very informative, Doctor. Thank you.

You described my boss, Dr Grande. The description is so striking that I got chills. Needless to say, the work environment is incredibly toxic.

What gets me is that I think the true narcissists are the ones that cause all other narcissists to become narcissists, and I think they get away with it. Also I think I was a pretty destructive narcissist, but I think it was all because of my upbringing and getting addicted to drugs and alcohol, since I quit I think I'm a much better person. I don't know if I'm still a narcissist. I don't know if we can fully change. I feel like I have though.

I unfortunately met and became involved with an individual who turned out to be the most abusive, manipulative, vindictive and downright evil person I've ever encountered. It was nightmarish and surreal, beyond most people's comprehension. To the best of my knowledge she was completely unaware of her behaviour. She has never come close to considering that she was at fault, not in the least, and according to her everything was someone else's fault and she was always the victim. I wonder if she truly believed this, deep down, or if she actually knew exactly what she was all along? Her entire reality relied wholly on maintaining this fabrication and she would go to any lengths to ensure it was never questioned.

Oh before I even watched this, I knew that my ex husband was going to be way up on the scale of the most dangerous narcissist. I was right. He is very dangerous and he is extremely vindictive. He will never change. He is enabled by his family and everyone around him. He believes that everyone else needs to be like him and do things like he does because his way is always better. I hope that I never have to lay my eyes on that monster again. He was so mean, controlling, and downright abusive. He could not even wait until our divorce was final before he got his new supply! He even blamed his adultery on me saying that I didn’t sign the papers soon enough so it’s my fault! He was mean during our marriage but I hadn’t seen anything yet until the divorce. He was just downright evil and he loved every minute of it. I’m sincerely convinced that he has no soul whatsoever. Thank you for your video! I always enjoy hearing what you have to say and I have learned so much from you!

Thank You, Doctor for this summary! I've just realised last year, at age of 45, that my mother is a vulnerable NPD. And as a bonus, I'd been living in a country that has been the playground of a grandious NPD and his mates for over 10 years. It's an anormous work to heal myself from the harms all this done. I appriciate Your wise videos a lot. There are perhaps millions out there who need help but can't reach for it. Your work on YT is invaluable. I'am happy to see a quiet but steadily growing tendency in the world (partly thanks to global sharing of information) that more and more people get aware of the various tipes of harms done by fellow humans and raise their voice against it. Or, at least don't accept it as normal. Than You again.

To understand is to forgive. It’s fascinating ~ unfortunately, narcissism can involve sadistic elements

Awesome video. I think a lot of people out here of all different cultural, economic, professional and educational backgrounds are trying to put our heads together and figure out ways to protect ourselves and our loved ones from the atrocious abuse we've suffered and are seeing others suffer, and when clinicians in the mental health field come onto "the scene" with a lot of clarity, curiosity, empathy, consistency and a willingness to share and empower, it's very much appreciated! Thank you for the care and thought you put into your videos!

Your analysis of a narcissist empathizing is interesting. My mother was definitely a narcissist. The only way she could understand how someone else felt was to pretend to be the person. Sometimes, she would also rehearse, and act, when she was planning some interaction with someone. When she did this, she had a remarkable insight and understanding of how the person felt. However, there was still something wrong with her. Sometimes she could be very very thoughtful and caring, which usually happened if someone was very poor or particularly bad off somehow, and she felt clearly superior to them. But she could also be as cruel as you can imagine. I mean, as bad as it gets. In fact, sadness was not really an emotion she displayed very much, except when she felt like she had been mistreated or was not equal to someone else somehow and had the short end of the stick, which really was more angry jealousy than real sadness. She was either angry, jealous, or happy, and usually she was actually very happy no matter what other emotion she was feeling. And when she was wicked, she was also incredibly delighted with herself, and usually could not help but display her glee when she was very very wicked. And she was extremely competitive. She was a dangerous person and just became worse and worse and worse with unacceptable bad behavior as she got older, although she WAS seeking treatment in the end because she realized she couldn't control herself anymore, and I think sensed that something WAS really wrong with her. She also had a very strong tendency to be addicted to things, and avoided substance abuse of any kind, including certain foods that contained caffeine, or other unhealthy addictive substances, and she avoided behaviors she knew were dangerous to herself, like gambling or watching TV. However, she was a workaholic and a shopaholic. If she wanted to do something, she could not control herself. There is probably a genetic component causing all of this, because her brothers and sisters behave in a similar way, but I think they've also learned to be this way and that my maternal grandparents had some extremely bad paradigms and behaviors. Some of them I think are very healthy - for example, laughing and joking when misfortune befalls you, and laughing and joking even MORE if it's really really bad. This seems to be much healthier than being depressed and sad. It's kind of a courageous, productive attitude. However, my mother and her brothers and sisters certainly can figure out how to make other people incredibly depressed in order to manipulate them. It's not just genetic, although... I think there has to be a genetic component because they can be so EVIL. So evil. Capable of... things other people really can't do unless it's really a dire situation, and maybe not even then. You just can't be that way if you honestly are completely capable of empathy without having to really stretch your mind to even perceive that. But my mother purposely stunted her ability to do that, too. She worked not to feel that. But STILL. I think it was some kind of brain damage, even if that particular part of it was wanted on her part. My poor mother's issues, and also her sibling's issues are honestly a travesty. It has caused SO MUCH pain. So much pain. In fact, a LOT of people have died because of it, and other people have noticed and commented, not just in this lifetime, but also even with my maternal grandparents and their siblings, that there is a REAL problem in my family that really does need to be addressed.

They don't take ownership of their ways. They are so abusive.

Thank you for your education on the narcissist. Very helpful to me and my siblings. One of our brothers was told years ago by a counselor that he was narcissistic. Through the years his behavior has been hard to understand and it has caused all kinds of problems throughout our family and his. After learning about this from you I have been able to come to terms with the situation and protect myself. My sister and I often share your videos to help us. Thank you so much for the time you put into these videos. It has been a great help to me.

I think I was made into a vulnerable narcissist by 2 parents who were outwardly physically abusive and inwardly emotionally abusive, and two older siblings who were simply imitating that behavior toward me, all before the age of 4.

Fantastic Dr. Grande! I have had experience with narcissists and the suffering they can cause is real. The challenge is to recognize this is a pathology and try to find compassion and forgiveness within oneself to deal with such people. Thank you Dr. Grande, you are the best!

I had a boss that fit this "worst type" description in every way, and then some. She seemed to target subordinates who were most-qualified to fill their role within the organization, over those who were only adequate or even under-qualified. She seemed to somehow correlate a subordinate's level of competence directly with the degree to which they were a threat to her authority or status.

Great explanation. I support the approach of standing against narcissists rather than trying to buy the "peace" from such people by faking emotions. It is not because the latter is shameful or weak but allowing other evil people (like narcissists) to get away with their deeds could result in more harm in the long term or even the short term! I know that many people just want a piece of mind but if the approach of resisting such vile become a culture among people, (generally it will not) I think we will see fewer and fewer narcissists or at least the damage will be minimized.

I was raised by a narcissist as described in this video and his spouse-- a co-opted narcissist. I sometimes really worry that I'm a covert narcissist. I have read many articles describing the difference between a sensitive introvert and a covert narcissist but I'm still unsure of which I am. I'm pretty sure I'm able to take criticism and am not engulfed by asb, but it's hard not to be fooled by one's own motivations. Do you have a video on this, or will you consider making one?

I think the damage that they can caus also depends on the person who's on the receiving end. There behaviour isn't as damaging on someone who got healty boundries and carries them true. When your a pleasing person that wants to see good in every person it's gonna be a different story. It's easier to get taggled up and hang on for to long...

You have put in apt words all that one living with a narcissist can experience in bits and pieces but never as a whole .Thank you Dr.Grande... Having said that living with a narcissist needs another kind of disorder....It is next to impossible to live with one and retain mental normality.....

The vindictiveness made the relationship END.... I walked... I REFUSE to give my power away.

So true, the longer a Narcissist gets away with their actions, the worse they become. Once you face up to knowing you are dealing with a Narcissist, then you just have to end it, as quickly as possible. I do have a question about Narcissism - Aren't we all somewhat Narcissistic? By that I mean, don't we all have to think of ourselves? This is my issue right now, if I stand up to stop the control and domination and manipulation of a narcist aren't I then being narcissistic?

6:03 Yep, “the most destructive narcissists are those who have reached a position of power.” This is obviously as true as it has ever been in our world, especially after having such an obvious narcissist holding the most powerful position in the free world. We are seeing the terrible effects of corruption in the white color world, because it is so much easier to get away with criminal activity from those places of cover. No one doubts the wrongness of “street” crime. But the variety of bad behavior that can clearly do the most damage is exactly that type that is so “normal” that it is never challenged. It gets completely entrenched in our everyday world. Bad bosses, selfish managers, dirty cops, lying CEOs and corrupt judges. These “gatekeepers” are the real banes on our society. If they have their way, they will snuff out any honest opposition they encounter. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good (people) to do nothing.” We can’t just stand by and let these Machiavellian “People of the Lie” take over this world. We have to insist on only giving power and authority to people we can trust, who do not lie out of mere expedience, and do not use their power for abusive and selfish purposes. And people who address real, inevitable conflicts with true responsibility, never resorting to low-ball “ad hominem” tactics that accomplish absolutely nothing of creative value.

Oh Dr.. you’ve unfolded my eldest daughters’ problem. I listened intently to the explanations of each and at last I know why I’ve had such encounters with her. I’m a young 85 with chronic pain from a fall which hitch hinders my independence. She wishes me to sell my home and move in with her and her spouse ( who caters to her moods) and I dread her outbursts and always loud and right. Each one of the identifications of grandiose narcissism fits her. If you challenge her no matter how objectively or meekly she’s likely to raise her voice and counter. She does seem to be able to control it with some relatives or friends but with others if she’s through she’s through! Her dad died when she was a baby and I’ve heard her complain about how she was treated badly ( untrue) by her step dad . She also is jealous of her two half siblings for no apparent reason. Her three siblings all grown have always maintained she was controlling. Thank you Dr Grande as I have new things to consider before being under her control.

Thank you Dr.G ! Love your channel and happy I found you a year ago. You have helped me tremendously with my CPTSD. 14 months “no contact “ with my in-laws. Never been happier!

You described my sister! Thank you. My mom thought she was a Psychopath. I tried to explain Narcissism to my mom, before she passed away! Due to attacking my Mom, because she was easy prey.

Something i find interesting about narcisism and narcisists in general is that they usually succeed in low iq or low moral environments or a combination of both, (like in most job environments) but not so much where the overall intelligence of the group is higher. i would like to point out also that one of the main reasons why narcisists dont make good bosses is actually pretty simple: They wil always put their interest before anything else when nobody is watching, and they only are loyal when convenient and as an investment, never as true appreciation for other peoples good characteristics. Thank you Docotor!! Blessings!!!

Thank you for making this channel. I believe this kind of information should be avaliable in middle and high schools, known in general public. EQ is very important, self-esteem is very important and it contributes to relationships, life satisfaction, understanding of others, etc. I also believe narcissism is at rise in todays world, so having strong sense of self is crucial. Thank you once again for making my life easier with your videos, they are also very well done and insightful. I share them wherever and with whoever I can. Greetings from Croatia!

Hello Todd, yes I found this enormously interesting useful. You described in detail my last Clinical Manager. I suspected much of this but really had it all under the general heading of "Bullying". Sometimes we have blind spots about our own workplaces / circumstances. This concise format is spot on and I only wish I'd seen this and could have included it in my Exit Interview Letter to the Corporate HR office to illuminate precisely what she was doing. This person was very intelligent very articulate and had formed good relationships with everyone above her. Most of the clinicians she managed were contractors and she controlled who was allocated what hours cases etc. So those who actively or inadvertently challenged her power were eased out with excuses about lack of bookings etc. It was notable that anyone who complained about her - or who had raised a formal complaint (on two occasions this was done as a group - no-one felt safe enough to do so singly) - were carefully and over time - 'encouraged' by various means to leave, whilst she somehow remained. The heaviest irony was that she would go out to clients to run Anti-Bullying Workshops! [ Why do I suspect you've heard many stories like this before? Sadly - not unique.] Admin staff were particularly badly treated and often left. On one occasion 4 sequential temp staff declined to apply for the position when it became permanent - despite all originally indicating they were looking for permanency in a context where permanent positions were few and far between. Eventually she found someone whom she turned into a 'mini-me' - who 'reported on' other staff and took on the deferred mantle of arrogance and viciousness herself - with some inappropriately delegated levels of 'authority'. It took me quite a while to figure out what was going on, and also what I had done to attract her vindictiveness. From the first week I found her behaviour odd and moods hard to gauge. At times she was superficially friendly - at other times would cut you dead. I asked around and was told' "don't worry about it -she's just like that. She treats everyone like that". She also used targeted levels of self disclosure to try to obtain more personal information about people - that she would later use against them. Fairly rapidly it became obvious to myself and others that she was targeting me. I asked others what they observed - what was going on? Every one of them said "You are threatening her." In What way?! I asked. I'm not challenging her 'authority'! I don't want her job! It's just you, they replied. Every time you open your mouth to discuss a case or share information it's clear that you have way more experience / expertise and it 'shows her up'. So what should I do? "Dumb Down'? The other 'crime' that I committed was attending to Trauma call outs. This was part of my role - and part of why I was hired in the first place -as I am a trauma consultant. However, whilst she was on an extended leave period I was called to cover some organisations that, I later learned, she usually serviced. What I didn't know - just doing what I usually do in that role - was that I was apparently providing a lot more than she had delivered. The outcome was that in later call outs from those companies it was myself who was specifically asked for - via the National Booking line - rather than herself. Because I didn't know this was the source of her sudden escalation of antipathy I had no way to respond. I was also in financial difficulties - as she well knew - as I had purchased a second home before selling the first and there were delays in that sale. So, I had to 'sit tight' and just bid my time. I couldn't confront her directly until I was ready to depart - lest she cut my hours, which had already been reduced to 1/2 time, so I commenced keeping a log of incidents - which had witnesses. One that particularly persists in my memory, was my attending a trauma call out to an organisation for one critical incident - when another emerged. I was supposed to leave the site at a particular time, but the site manager and their National HR manager asked me to remain for the remainder of the day, as we had just learned of the death of an employee the previous evening and a number of staff (25 in fact )- had lined up outside my allocated office needing immediate support. When I informed my clinical manager of this circumstance, she went ballistic and insisted that I immediately leave the site, as a new booking had not yet been received by our Intake. This was in process and I had no control over the timing. When I explained this to her- she became verbally abusive and shouted that I was ignoring her authority as the statewide clinical manager and 'refusing her instructions'. (This despite her and others routinely staying longer at other call outs if required by the client organisation) After 3 such aggressive calls I informed her I was recording these and would no longer be answering as these now constituted harassment'. I then sent a very brief email to our national manager and got on with attending to the long line of distressed people. I knew this would be regarded as an 'open declaration of war' and decided I'd had enough. However, circumstances dictated that I soldiered on for a further few months within icy silence. The house sale had been further delayed due to the property being flooded just as it went on the market - by an 'unseasonal weather event'! I learned also that this person was actively trashing my professional reputation across the national structure - or attempting to do so. I then went on several weeks of unpaid leave after I came down with my first case of Shingles. (The GP asked me had I been under any significant stress lately! ) The final straw was being called in to the office for a trauma booking on a day I was usually not there and then being verbally abused on arrival when I was 5 minutes late due to problems with parking. I had left my own office - driven across town and circled several times to find a park and run 3 blocks - only to discover the client no longer needed to talk to someone - since the booking had been originally made 4 days prior and admin hadn't checked this. I just packed up my gear - walked out and never returned. I spent that evening compiling my Resignation Letter with my attached Log of Incidents. The relief was enormous. I received a standard "We'll look into it " response from HR and nothing further. Four months later I heard the office had been closed and contractors were now being managed remotely via a clinical manager interstate. I would LIKE to think my Exit letter had something to do with this outcome - but suspect it was more to do with economic rationalisation as the organisation was moving in this direction already. 🤔 Yes - I did debrief with other / external clinicians but, as you observe, this stuff is highly damaging and does have a 'long tail'.

I disowned my “earthly mother,” her narcissism caused so much pain and destruction. I just Pray I don’t become her!! 🙏

Whew 😅… I’m so very glad there are others who recognize this behavior as unhealthy, intimidating and violent verbal and psychological abuse !! Had 2 of them in my life. Surviving in CALI 👍😊

This is good - you're hitting many of the nuances. We think of narcissists lacking empathy - but it's their ability to manifest it in a healthy way. The narcissist in my life used to tell me as a child, "you have to understand what the other person is feeling. you have to put yourself in their shoes." But what they DID with that information was quite destructive. Wow! Then you talked about Vindictiveness - and that is the way the narcissist in my life would use their empathy.

I'm not sure that anybody can truly appreciate, the terribly malevolent nature & malignant intentions of a 'Malignant Narcissist' (Term: Social Psychologist Erich Fromm 1964), unless they have (unfortunately) experienced it for themselves. Yes, it is essentially traumatic experiences, and potential genetics, but to see the arrogance and sadistic pleasure that these individuals garner by others pain, is to witness evil in action. There IS NO EXCUSE for the basically psychopathic abuse meted out by them to generally kind and empathic people. The World is in a grip of a Global crisis of Pathological & Malignant Narcissism, and there are a number of reasons for this exponential rise. DR G, perhaps you might look at the Global Implications of the demise of Empathy, and how Humanity will/is self destruct/ing.

Like witnessing a 43 year old man having the mindset of a 3 year old, trying to appear like 43.They try to outsmart those in higher position than themselves and land flat with their face on the floor.Even if they make it, everyone around them knows they don't deserve it.People just put up with them out of politeness and good manners and discuss it with people they trust.That's the path we have chosen, not them.They feed off our good intentions and willingness to forgive.I don't think that is enough for a human to be called intelligent.Thank you very much dr Grande!

What you said about the narc who has power at work is so true. I've worked under a narc before and it was a very stressful and confusing situation. However, after a while I realized that they knew exactly what they were doing when I saw how he was able to turn the charm all the way up in front of higher-ups and HR. It was like a skill he went to school for as his fake brown nosing worked very well to the point where the executives were shocked when people started reporting his inappropriate behavior. Thank God HR had a background in understanding narcissistic managers and was able to recognize the signs. Nonetheless, the only way to survive in that situation would've been to continue to allow myself and my work to be devalued when the narc felt like I was a threat. Ironically, when higher-ups gave me praise in front of him I was the best thing since sliced bread, but in meetings with other subordinates he loathed me and told me to my face in a one on one meeting that he couldn't and wasn't going to let me shine. So glad that I'm out of that situation! 🙌😌🙏🏼😄

This young man does a great job explaining a narcissist. From my own personal experience, he hits the nail right on the head!

Wow. You nailed my EX to the T. He behaves exactly as you described regarding power, position, higher up, deeming "everyday people" , but his worst treatment was of me, my children, grandchildren, and disabled father. It still is his VINDICTIVENESS that still leaves me in disbelief. Even though we have all survived his abuse, it's changed all of us in ways that we will NEVER have the trust or innocence that we once had.

Of course when I call out a narcissist they laugh and belittle me like I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I really liked this approach! I believe that we need to incorporate the sociological approach with the psychological approach. This is why I'm studying both. Great video as always and thanks.

Most of what I read or watch focuses on exposing narcissistic behaviour to others, which is quite important. However, if narcissism is so self-serving, why would a narcissist seek treatment? I feel that we, collectively, need to point out more why narcissism does the narcissist himself/herself more harm than good on a deep level. Are narcissists ever truly happy? Help us point out to them how and why they aren't. I'm asking this of you, doctor, because your presentations are the most methodical and focused I see. Thank you!

I do believe you just described a person I work with. Unfortunately, their behaviour is destructive and ongoing, causes much annoyance and at times, dread and fear. I would love to hear your opinion on how to successfully negate their negative, entitled behaviour, as I enjoy all aspects of my work, except my encounters with this individual who has a position of authority.

Awesome video! I worked for a few Attorneys who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder - I am sure of it. They were brutal to work for. Not all the attorneys in the law firms I worked at were like this, but the few I worked for who were caused a lot of trauma in me. Now I won’t let them get me down. I won’t directly work for people like that anymore. If I wind up in a situation like that again (I hope not ever!!), I will cautiously plan my escape! Don’t let them get the best of you. It’s all a power game to them! Keep your power and your chin up! May God bless, strengthen and protect you all who are suffering on this channel! 🙏 ☺️

Having read 'People of the Lie by Scott M. Peck and 'The road less traveled' Peck shows an awful lot of traits shared by Narcs are shared by people who are out an out Evil and Evil is Live spelled back- wards. Many forms of Evil but a well known trait is the absence of empathy.

Another thing is like to point out is that narcissists LOVE to deflect. I’ve seen this with both grandiose and introverted narcissism. For example, when they accuse you of something that only they themselves have done. The crazy part is that when they are doing this they tend to know exactly what they have done and understand the morality behind their either criminal or just plain destructive behaviors. The difference is that they just don’t care. My husbands ex girlfriend accused me of being a cocaine addict and claimed she had ‘proof’. But honestly I have never done drugs in my life except nicotine. A few months later she was convicted of possessing narcotics while traveling across state lines.

Excellent as always, Dr. Grande! Would you consider making a (few) video(s) explaining the apparently subtle differences between subclinical and clinical (non-pathologic/pathological) Cluster B disorders? Also, why are psychopathy and dark triad considered subclinical? And what is meant by "speaking the narcissist's language"? Could you showcase with a few examples? Thank you much in advance!

I find these videos very helpful. I am a clinician myself and recently left a job due to a physician that I worked with who is very narcissistic. I filed a complaint before I left and he retaliated against me. Vindictive narcissist. Classic example 👌

Dr. Grande I just want to thank you for all you do on your channel. ❤️These videos help me understand why the narcissist in my life is the way he is. Not that this is an excuse. The main thing I’ve learned is how to navigate life with a narcissist that I can not cut contact with(at least not yet.) The biggest take away is the explanations of narcissism from a true professional. It helps me limit the effect his gaslighting has on me because I know what is really going on with him and can keep myself grounded in reality. I know he won’t change but I can. I can control my reactions because I have knowledge now and knowledge is power. 💪

_"Vindictiveness is important because it allows a narcissist to keep power. And if they can keep power, they can keep doing damage"_ Truer words were never spoken, Dr Grande. It almost seems like narcissistic people should be against the law - or at least the rules of any institution. But who's going to make that possible? 🙄 Thank you! 👍🌹

I’m a vulnerable narcissist, I’ve been told that for years, but never really believed it. You’re way of explaining things is quite excellent, but who knows what to do with this knowledge.

Those are similar to my experiences with narcissists in my life, plus: - they always talk about how they had to endure unimaginable injustices in their lives that no one else did - they made up stories about their hardships and their achievements even though they knew people could easily check and find out the discrepancies - if the conversation veered off even for a few minutes away from them as the main topic they either looked bored, or interrupted - they couldn’t hold a relationship for any amount of time and as soon as they broke off one, the person who only days ago was their best friend or their partner, became a tyrant who had done great injustice to them.

I love your work on this especially since I don't have energy to look into research on these topics during school. People lack understanding of how little our actions and thoughts are not what they would consider as "conscious" and ironically they are unconscious of this. Vulnerable narcissism seems very damaging depending on the person's predilections. I was tramatized pretty badly from constantly being lied to and cheated on. High presentation of exploitation after getting in the proverbial door with sympathy and mirroring. I know you weren't saying it's not unhealthy or adaptive though. Great video as usual.

Thank you for humanizing the narcissist. My sister is a narcissist. Each of my 8 siblings is broken in some way. Our childhood was traumatic. Her demon is narcissism. I don't hate her. I'm not angry at her. I understand the underlying issues, so I have compassion., I am also afraid of her. I prefer to avoid being in her presence - EVER.

My mother claimed to have a happy childhood and she maintained this opinion all the years until my dad died 3 years ago. She then went on to tell me of my grandmother's affairs and again showed no sign of distress in this regard at first. My grandmother was an extraordinary human being, loved by all and a model of how a human being should be. Full of love I could only imagine her being an awesome mom that spoke easily and openly about sex as a fact of life and for the most part her affairs were overlooked because she stayed with my grandfather and took care of him until the day he died. Never putting him in a bad light and letting everyone knowing the love she had for him. Something changed for my mom. She went from being okay with the circumstances surrounding her childhood to becoming ashamed and considering sex as a dirty subject that never got spoken about. I'm sure this happened when she met my dad. My dad was a man who lived his life by what he believed in and high standards. He lived his life as a true advocate for honesty and integrity and this was, so I thought, by every member of the family. Wanting to keep my dad keen on her and also feeling sudden shame in her upbringing may have taken it toll. She often reflected my grandmother's behaviour onto me and I never knew why until recently. She wore a mask all these years advertising my dads standards as her own. Drilling honesty into me, my siblings and my children. She asked me to come and stay with her because she was lonely which I did without a second thought. I and my partner gave up everything we had worked for which was a lot if you knew the history of our struggle and were just coming right and getting ahead in life. That was the beginning of a 3 year nightmare which never ends. I saw things and heard things no one would ever believe and neither would I if I hadn't gone through it myself. To hear my mom lie blatantly to my face for the first time and deny asking us to move in with her was scary enough. She went on to display every known trait I had read about of a Narc like she was the subject on which narcissism was derived.

Your right, a person can have a mental disorder and still be responsible for their actions. People tend to go to extremes, either they aren’t responsible because of mental illness or disregard the cognitive distortions that lead to their choices which in turn harms themselves and society. The disorder should be acknowledged. But accountability is just as important

Thank you Dr.Grande,you help me to understand what's up,with someone, being raised in a highly Narcissust Family,I know I'm more prone to deal with situations that now,I know goes against the way that I truly feel in my whole heart😎

Yes! I haven’t heard it explained so on point to my exact situation with well off intelligent stealthy narcs (both parents). It’s hard to have people understand

My dad is a narcissist. He molested his sisters and his own daughter, tortured animals, burned down buildings for fun...and lots of other horrific stuff. And He is a RN in mental health facilities and a paramedic. 👌

Wow. Just wow. Another excellent video. I love how each new video of yours that I listen to builds upon the others I’ve already heard. Truly understanding how complicated and similar the disorders are. Really understanding ex-husband (vulnerable, tetrad) of 30 years) and just recently the vulnerable/grandiose, avoidiant, OCPD ex BF. The former led a double life that I had no idea about but now all makes sense with the help of you and a few others in the field and now, understanding the latter because he was truly complicated. The first had no trauma to speak of but the latter had both parents with disorders. The latter, I thought, had Asperger syndrome. In that case, I felt like I should have stayed But being that he’s highly successful and an ultra high net worth individual, I now understand that his social ineptness/rudeness was OCPD, vulnerable/grandiose narcissism and not AS. Let me throw in a few episodes of manic episodes. One hot mess. But I loved him. He warned me when he met me that he was afraid if I spent a few days with him, I wouldn’t like him. He said a bunch of other things over the nine months that I now understand he knew he had issues… He said OCD but it was OCPD. With comorbidities obviously. But I don’t think he has any clue about those. Although he told me his daughter told him he was narcissistic and she think she’s narcissistic and his son they believe is bipolar although undiagnosed. Maybe that’s why he didn’t want me to meet his family. That was the reason I left him. Maybe he did me a favor.

Spot on explaining my ex. His father taught him well. They use money to secure supply but they dont realize they are just being used by said supply. It's so sick. Hard to believe until you see it in action.

As someone mentioned, the attack might be perceived however, it is very real. From my own personal experience, this happened to me and I was the target of the narcissist. The attack, I will agree with it being perceived. My life turned into a big mess as a target of the abuse. They are scary and this is a covert narcissist I'm talking about. I wonder if a narcissist is another word for a sociopath.

This basically describes my Mother (vulnerable) and Brother (grandiose)...I have a lot of work to do to help them, as best I can, whilst healing myself; now I understand what has been going on. I thought I was losing my mind with these two. Thanks Dr Grande, love your content.

Tried to work with a narcisist. It was a nightmare. He was too controlling and thought he was the best, but he was down deep insecure.

Thank you for shining the spotlight on how dangerous and destructive narcissism is. Your analysis was excellent, as always. Could you take a look at the concept of forgiveness in a therapeutic context, please, particularly in regards to others including therapists focusing on forgiveness of those who are narcissists? I came across the following article that talks about the ways forgiveness is often pushed onto others as a form of gaslighting and would be interested in your thoughts on this. It's at: www.elephantjournal.com/2020/01/forgiveness-is-a-choice-fo-we-cause-more-harm-than-good-by-telling-people-to-find-forgiveness/

Thank you Doctor. Very informative and enlightening, and your insights add clarity and focus to elements of narcissism. I wonder as well as if some of the most dangerous narcissistic types are those who are highly intelligent but with well concealed psychopathy. I worked for a Billionaire who ended up in prison in a huge political corruption l scandal that involved, bribery, murder for hire and sex-trafficking, and even his closest friends and family were shocked to discover what he had been doing. I also had a childhood friend who was abused by a parent when young, this person was highly intelligent and seemed to have empty for others who were abused, but was also a very secretive and occasionally exhibited mild covert narcissistic traits. Over a period of a couple o decades this person rose to the upper levels of a very powerful intelligence agency, known for infamous and clandestine operations. There was a point during this person's career when he or she went through some psychological conditioning, after which this person seemed to rapidly become malignantly narcissistic, paranoid, and eventually what can perhaps be best described as delusional and obsessively psychopathic and destructive, and at the same time even more successful and to a degree 'wealthy employing his or her psychopathic skills. I can't help but question if this person's narcissistic tendencies and intelligence were cultivated into something more, possibly even a weaponized form of psychopathy?

Vindictiveness plays an important role in making the narcisist more destructive. People do not complain because they are afraid of the vindictive attact of the narcisist and nothing gets the chance to get improved or changed and that is why the critical mass of narcisists in a socially oriented institutions is one narcisist in a position of power. It can bring the whole institution down. Thank you dr Grande.

I've never heard about narcissistic vulnerability. Very interesting! I'm going to research more. Thank you for speaking on this.

Good overview and information and helps us to understand a Narcissist more, the thing I would like to have seen is a couple of hints on how to deal with these jerks, my life was literally destroyed by a closet psycho who displayed as a Vulnerable Narcissist but was actually part of an organized crime ring, has taken years to recover and still not quiet there yet

Excellent and insightful as always! There's one subject I would like to know more about, and that is narcissism and stalking behaviors. I would love to know more about it. :D

Thank you for sharing your widespread knowledge! Recently, in a video listing people to be avoided, I have seen recommendations that we should turnn our back to people who are telling something about somebody else. Seemingly regardless of content it is all called "gossip". This worries me a great deal. This attitude plays right into the hands of both kinds of natcissists. They can go on hurting people, who have no chance comparing experiences with others or finding support for a break up.

Absolutely love these intelligent, informative videos!!! Thank you so much Dr. Grande!!!

Great video, the only part which was a little vague was the part about narcissists being encouraged to seek mental healthcare. That is not happening anytime soon as our entire society is built on economic hierarchies, branding, and social media(all of which favor or even celebrate narcissistic behavior in some way). Most narcissists will gasp in sheer disbelief that you would even suggest or imply they could benefit from seeking help of any kind. They will then gaslight you, saying "you are projecting your insecurities onto them" or something similar to shut down the conversation. I think it's important to be realistic and transparent when presenting this kind of information so you aren't filling people with false sentiments of hope. Yes, they need help but I think rather start by not tolerating or enabling the behavior in the first place - that is a hard enough task on its own.

I've been on TRvid for years and haven't ever been sufficiently interested in a channel to actually subscribe until now. Thank you for making well-ordered information about mental health accessible. Would you be willing to speak to the evidence for a relationship between eating disorders and narcissism in a future video? I've encountered papers but don't have enough background to understand the implications of them.

i loved the beginning, a lot of times I see a hate towards narcissts that makes me question if we are putting personal opinions into this, when we are talking about a person with BPD or other personality disorder that creates trouble for others (but also suffers) we are a lot more empathic. I get that for some people we shouldnt be empathic with people that cant and wont be empathic with us, but I think that is getting in the narcissist logic of being cold and always being in a position of defense/attack, the logic of weaponizing empathy like it is something we can take away and make them pay

They are mean they hurt and use and abuse and think it is funny, if they are nice to you it is because they want to use you, they are empty and heartless Demon is a good name for them!

Hello Dr. Grande! Thank you as always for your videos! Can you please make a video on people who grow up in destructive cults, like The Reunification Church, and the effect which that upbringing can have on a person, in developing personality disorders? Thanks again, Judi

Hello Dr. Grande, first of all, very interesting and informative video that got me thinking (once again). I think i may be a covert narcisist and only noticed the pattern of my behavior after some people around me started to point me in the direction. I'm also in therapy, being diagnosed with depression and transsexuality, but my therapist kinda avoids to put down another diagnosis for my primary issues. I specifically asked her about me showing many, if not all signs of covert narcisism, but she tends to place me into the BPD direction, saying that she's seen true narcisists and my ability to even consider to be a covert narcisist indicates that i'm most likely not. I differ in so far from the general profile (as far as my judgement goes) that i dont strive to gain power, aswell as the sadistic side. I surely did manipulate/lack emotional emapthy/lied/am egocentric/have a sense of entitlement (no idea where this comes from and it shifts to selfhatered, depending on my situation). I surely show some signs of BPD too, like favorite person, all the overlap to CNPD, the massive fear of abandonment, selfdestructive behavior, suicidal thoughts, some signs of dissociation and the emotional instability. I am aware that this is by no means sufficient information for a diagnosis, i just hope for your advice, since you seem to be one of the most insightful psychologists that i've discovered to this topic. Is it possible that my therapist is lying to me, trying to mask the real diagnosis to make me behave more open to treatment/there being no CNPD diagnosis? Should i get a second opinion? Thanks for taking the time. :)

The worst one I ever dealt with wasn't one it was multiple members of a family. The first sign was I told one of them something general about my life that came back twisted as something else, by multiple people and even though I corrected the misrepresentation it was still being talked about like I never corrected anything.

The narcissist I work with ticks all the boxes you just laid out. I’m an introverted empath and of course she chose me as her victim. I’ve never met anyone so nasty, vindictive and self-centered. She is a legend in her own mind and has no problems letting everyone know. She recently breeched the privacy code (spilling my personal health issues that she got from me while in hospital on ketamine and morphine). HEre’s the kicker…..we work in mental health. She is dangerous.