10 Signs of Vindictive Narcissism 

I was married to a vindictive narcissist for 36 years. It took me a long time to realize what he was, I just knew how miserable I was. I’ve been divorced for 2 years and I feel released from a prison.

All narcissists can be boiled down to one factor: they will pull whatever shit they think they can get away with, and only grow bolder with apathy.

Some examples of vindictiveness include witholding time, resources, patience, refusal to help, the feeling that they are entitled to railroad the rights of others, disregard for family members feelings and selfishness.

The best thing you can do when encountering a narcissist is to ignore them and get away from them

I lived with a vindictive narcissist. Document the pattern to allow you to understand the vindictive behavior. For example, accidentally breaking your belongings, staged accidents, staged arguments, passive aggressive behavior, intentionally wreaking your car, hiding your items and later returning (or not). Eventually, you and others recognize the vindictive pattern. Can you talk about the social ineffectiveness (i.e., jobs; working) of the vindictive narcissist? The vindictive narcissist I know, never learn from mistakes. They repeat the same maladaptive behavioral loop with same self-sabotaging social outcome.

The ten sign posts are: 2:09. Dominance 2:57 power 3:50. Manipulation 5:04 Revenge 6:10. Sloppy 7:39. Rumination 8:12. Revenge plot 9:29. Emotional deregulation 10:25. Victim hood 11:22 Attempts with another vindictive narcissist

Wow... I remember my ex saying he would damage someone’s stuff because he felt insulted. This was my life. Now alone but at peace.... smiling more and feeling like the world just opened it’s doors to me. Thank you doctor. 😊

"it's about dragging other people down into that misery they experience... they are going to destroy themselves in order to destroy you"

I have learnd so much about narcissism from you, and it have really turnde my life around. Now I understand why I suffered so badly during my childhood and still are. My father was malignant and my mother covert. I can’t change the past but it helps to understand and I can finally (at age 49) strart my healing process. All my thanks to you❣️

Husband of 16 years is a vindictive narcissist. It started out slowly. Love bombed into marriage. First I called him out, stood my ground, but he just never quit. I started "picking my battles". Mistake, he interpreted this as acquiescence. I started traveling more and more for my work to get away from him. I had no idea, what he was. Thought it was just low self esteem. He hated my success. Can't for the life of me figure out why he would have latched on to me. I'm usually strong and independent. Finally, I started googling some of his behavior and it all fell into place. I was dealing with a covert/vindictive narcissist. Gave him an ultimatum to get help. You can imagine how well that was received. He started in on a 9 month silent treatment and little petty acts of punishment. All the while, I was planning my escape. I'm gone now, but still have to face the ordeal of a divorce from this nasty petty vindictive little person. Healing and working up a head steam. Thanks for these clear videos. Part of my recovery process.

This video describes my previous relationship so well. Was with my ex for 9 months and for 7 of those months, we constantly fought over his obsession with my roommate not saying hello to him the first month in our relationship. He only came over a handful of times the first 2 months. Our final argument was him trying to convince me for 5 hours on what I can do and say to my roommate to give “give them a taste of their own medicine” and stop being friends with them to save our relationship. An international trip to meet his family and a trip to Vegas with mine, we argued about my roommate and other things, I was given the silent treatment many times. My roommate had no clue, they were just existing and trying to survive school. Even when I brought it up to my roommate later in my relationship, my roommate apologized and worked on making it better. My ex was still upset because i didn’t do it the right way and I should’ve made my roommate feel bad and disrespected just as he felt the entire relationship. In his words, “I chose my roommate over my boyfriend” but I chose not to be controlled, take “revenge” and be mean on his behalf.

The best way to deal with narcissists is to run far away from them and run fast.

There is no other youtuber I can trust as it comes to narcissism ... I can see they lack credibility, objectivity and see this construct in a hollywood-dramatic way. I’m glad you exist, thank you!

I used to be friends with this one woman. I started to recognize the gas lighting. She would complain about having to drop out of school and quit her job because she didn't have childcare and couldn't afford a sitter. I felt sympathy for her and offered to watch her children so she wouldn't have to quit trying to change her life for the better. Or so I thought. One morning she showed up at 7am and I was surprised, an hour earlier than usual. I asked her why she was so early and she said with a straight face "I always come at this time". Other times she would claim she was working late at the police station because there were so many accidents on those days. I had called the office and they were closed. I called the next day to inquire about extended hours and they said they don't stay past closing. I was watching her kids up to 13 hours a day, 8 to 10 days in a row for 10$ a day. She would come home from school and work and not even come to get her kids. I took her baby for a walk and saw she was home and thought oh she's coming any minute.... Not so. Ignored calls, etc. I can go on. There's plenty more to her. When I tried to talk to her about these issues, she suddenly turned on me, and one by one our friends started hating me. She has even gone after my children, one of them being special needs. She's tried to have me evicted, and has gone as far as filing false claims to children's aid society. Her flying monkeys utter threats, and participate in a huge smear campaign against me. For three years my family has been subjected to this. Still to this day. Her and her cohorts against me and my children. Making life at our home unbearable. Vandalism, harassment, death threats, assault threats, etc. Now I want to take things to a physical level. Yet I'm not a narc. I'm an abuse survivor. I'm defensive of myself and my family.

This is so true with my family member. Sometimes I forget how horrible it felt to be on the receiving end of this. I am 34 and still trying to get myself together because I’ve been manipulated to believe that I can’t survive on my own. I’m beginning to realize I’ve held myself back because I’ve believed that I was incompetent & cannot succeed past a certain point. I’ve “dimmed my light” so to speak, in order to avoid making this particular person feel insecure or to not trigger jealousy. Ugh 😣 it’s hard to admit this, luckily I’m in therapy & I’m gonna get out of this situation as soon as I can.

Yes, the rumination. I could literally see my husband doing this. Often in the garden, quietly going about his work of planting etc. I would see him busy and quiet, thinking, thinking, thinking - and later on find things that he deliberately damaged - my things - over and over and over again, and they were obviously damaged by someone, but I would never ever actually see him do the damage - it was all done quietly and secretly and scarily. But no one else could have done it and I was always shocked to see what he was willing to do and when I opened the washing machine one day - there he had broken/busted the strong plastic agitater, like pieces were cut out of it in shapes, and that was the final straw for me along with the bad temper to me in endless roundabout argumentative stressful conversations. It was like he was planning all the time what to do to me through my things.

This video is spot-on. I was married to a narcissist who is also paranoid to the nth degree. A nasty combination! We have been divorced for 8 years and the scorched-earth policy of hers continues unabated. She is quite prepared to destroy herself in order to hurt me.

SO glad to figure out why I was miserable for YEARS in my last job. I always did my best to look good for the practice and take great care of my patients. But my boss would be all friendly, then write me up for everything, all vindictive and small. She micromanaged and undermined and gaslighted me and tried to isolate me from other professionals... until I thought I was horrible at my job... I stopped trying to talk with her... there was NO talking it out... I was walking around terrified, because she was in a power position and all her superiors were completely unaware of this malicious side of her and would never believe my word over hers. (Employees of course equally terrified and could not talk.) HR was genuinely shocked at some of the things I finally told them when I quit, and asked why I hadn't said anything before. Really?? One final tempest in a teapot and I finally quit. Best decision of my life, and my colleagues and a ton of my patients have bombarded the office with questions about where I went and how they can contact me. That has really touched me... and I hope it burns her, too. Happy old me is back!

Boy, if ever I could pick a therapist; you'd be the guy. Besides being knowledgeable, your one of the most non judgemental person I've ever heard of.

It often takes a good deal of time to recognize I have been HAD, again, by a narcissist. THEN I dump and run. I was brought up by two narcissists. It takes me time to recognize all their various forms. I am so used to them I don’t even recognize them. It’s been a lifelong struggle. I love learning from these podcasts.

The most helpful presentation on the vindictive narcissist I've seen to date. They will pursue vindication regardless of self destruction. It's pitiful to experience. Thank you so much Dr Grande for an EXCELLENT presentation, I look forward to your future work.

Signs: (watch vid for proper context) 1 Dominance (control) 2 Power (they should not have it!) 3 Manipulation (they’re not good at it) 4 Revenge (d/t criticism insult advice) 5 Sloppy (due to: rage) 6 Rumination (plot is gradual d/t intolerable insult) 7 Revenge plot (a time of time invested to this end regardless of the outcome) 8 Emotional deregulation (will get back at you) 9 Victimhood (they believe they are setting things right - entitlement) 10 Attempts ++++ (b/c they don’t know when to walk away, or let it be) Excellent vid!

I’m the scapegoat in my family and I have long suspected the flying monkeys of the ringleader narcs are afraid of them. I’m the only one in the family who has really had the courage and strength to stand up to them. Recently their abuse put me in the ER with systolic blood pressure around 200. I was in a hypertensive crisis and in serious trouble. In the process of ending contact with all of them permanently. It has become a matter of life & death. Good video, Dr. Grande.

This is probably the most accurate description of what I have had to go through since I divorced my now ex wife. I watched her 2000 vindictive things to other women that had crossed her during the course of our 20 year marriage. Since I divorced her she has tried to destroy my reputation in town, she has call the police at least once a month. She is accused me of murder, money laundering, drug dealing, and child molestation, as recently as LAST WEEK on my 50th birthday. I must have the biggest investigation file of anybody in Florida.

Thanks for addressing this type of narcissism. I was literally taking notes. These types definitely don't learn from their immature behaviour and are poisonous to relationships. When confronted by someone coolly and calmly they are typically caught off guard but they'll deflect and gas light despite it being obvious they're avoiding the issue of accountability or owning negative behaviours. I recognise a few individuals who, due to a past tendency - decades ago, thankfully! - to 'people-please' as a result of narcissistic parents, I let into my life as so-called "friends" and did I ever regret this! Vindicative narcissists use others and will seek people out who they admire and who are willing to be their 24/7 unpaid personal 'counsellors' whilst actively resenting the fact the other individual has, as they view it, 'the power' to be in such a position. It's ridiculous and emotionally so very immature. Also, you're right - they don't learn from past mistakes, errors in judgment, or relationship issues. They dwell on what they feel others have done to injure them in some way or another and become preoccupied with revenge even at their own expense. And they continue to repeat the same errors and resent even a very tactful explanation of such negative habits. Frankly, if these vindictive narcissists can be avoided or confronted and the relationships ended (by the non-narcissist), it makes for a much easier and happier life.

I'm always looking for clues to these types of behaviors in communication. I found a table that compares constructive criticism versus destructive or abusive criticism. I also noticed that people who tend to be more obsequious to superiors tend to be more condescending toward subordinates and are very upset when they find out someone they look down upon makes as much or more money than they do, even by just a few dollars.

Thank you for this teaching on how NPD can manifest along the spectrum. So many fascinating points came up in this video. You mentioned how a Vindictive Narcissist interacts with more Malignant Narcissists. Narcissist vs. Narcissist is a topic in and of itself. The childishness in their chosen methods of revenge is also an intriguing topic. Absolutely amazing, Dr. Grande. Bravo 👏

These people are dangerous to the extent of even murder.

Thank you 🙏 for another brilliant analysis of narcissism and thank you 🙏 for explaining a concept I hadn’t heard of before, Vindictive Narcissism. The penny has just dropped for me in what type of narcissism my sister suffers from. I’d always thought of her as a Covert narcissist up to this point and from what you have described, she is. But I now realise where her capacity for vindictiveness comes from and how she is able to turn on anyone whom she cannot control. Her capacity for revenge is like a bottomless pit. Once crossed she switches into revenge mode and no amount of reasoning works. In my experience reasoning fuels her resolve to maintain herself as the victim which is an odd situation to be in. Her favourite method of revenge is to use the silent treatment whilst at the same time getting her flying monkeys to either attack you or also use silent treatment. I’ve often said that being around my sister feels like being bullied by the school bully. I’ve decided that the silent treatment is not a strong enough description to describe this type of punishment towards me because it goes on for too long. She hasn’t spoken to me for over 5 years, which is a long time for silent treatment. Interestingly one of my late aunties used to do the same, in fact the longest period that she didn’t speak to her only son was for 22 years. It’s incredible isn’t it? My late mother used the same punishment as her weapon of choice. My late father had BPD and couldn’t tolerate the silent treatment and so even though he could be violent and controlling towards her, I noticed it was she who had the ultimate control over him. And me - I got the hell out dodge at the age of 18 and didn’t look back. I’m 57 years old now and after decades of healing from my once significant Codependency and Anxiety, I lead a full and healthy life away from my family of origin. I find these videos to be fascinating. I only wish I’d been able to have access to them in my younger years. It would have helped me enormously. Another excellent video 🙏👏👏👏🙏

As always this was incredible helpful, thank you so much Dr. Grande. You described my cousin word for word; she was childish, always the victim (even though she sexually abused me), couldn’t tolerate any amount of criticism even when approached very politely, set double standards and excused her bullying behaviour as being necessary because I “haven’t had as tough of a life” and needed “to learn”. There was never any way to rationalize with her or have a civil disagreement, and eventually she ‘snapped.’ So glad she is no longer in my life, and that I now have the knowledge and am gaining the tools to protect myself and my daughter from those kind of toxic behaviours. Thank you again and take care 🙏

Narcs die with their lies and deceptions.. Thank you Dr. Grande, your articles are very helpful and relevant..

I’m so glad I found this channel. How much better this is than others I used to watch. You give accurate and precise information, and there’s no weirdness or inciting emotional responses. This video was really interesting, thank you.

I strongly suspect that my mom is a narcissist, and sounds like she's a vindictive one. What's interesting is that I've seen her act like this with other family members to some extent, but nowhere near to the level that she does with me. It's like I'm the only one who sees the worst of it.

So accurate in describing my mother. WOW. She is unrelenting and now suing me. You are so right, years of intermittent abuse and I would always look past her flaws and forgive or avoid her periodically. But once it got unrelenting I had no choice but to cut her out of my life. This is her exactly. Lord help me.

Dr Todd, I'm so deeply grateful for your videos and the invaluable content and time you are gifting us 💙 I was raised in a home with a dad who's either a narcissist or has strong narcissistic qualities and traits (you've taught me that I don't have the right to label or diagnose anyone with a personality disorder, especially if I'm unqualified or the person hasn't been professionally assessed), and my mum was the codependent who had a lot of suppressed rage and took it out on myself and my siblings... I often find myself confused as an adult when I'm in situations where my childhood narcissistic abuse wounds are triggered - because I notice that some learnt behaviors arise when I'm feeling hurt, attacked, afraid and unsafe... For years I have been conflict avoidant and my "go to" survival reaction is "freeze mode"... I've always been the one to back down and let things go to keep the peace... And as I've gotten older and wiser, I now understand that this tactic only teaches people that the inappropriate behaviors are ok to continue towards me... So this year I've decided to speak up for myself and tell people how their behavior has made me feel and set a boundary by saying that the behavior is not ok... But what I'm now experiencing with some people through this approach is finding myself in the back and forth situation where instead of feeling heard and respected, the person will come back with a very manipulative response basically implying the conflict is entirely my fault... And I realised after listening to this video that I'm being pulled into the game by responding (and attempting various ways of clear communication) to feel heard and validated because I want my boundary of "your behavior was not ok and made me feel unsafe and in the future I need you to a, b, c, etc.,"... And my feelings of anger and frustration increase... To the point where I'm now wondering if I'm actually a covert narcissist and have been in denial of this? Or if this situation is showing me that I need to do some more inner healing work on my own trauma wounds from childhood to both heal the triggers and need to be validated by a person who I feel is being abusive towards me and learn how to detach, have more awareness when I'm being pulled into a dynamic like this, take responsibility for my triggers and learn how to respond to abuse in a way that is empowering and mature? I'm really concerned and worried about the possibility of myself being a covert narcissist because I know the pain and trauma of being on the receiving end, as well as the intensive hard work of healing, and I would be devastated if I was treating others in a harmful way and having this impact on people! How do I know if I am a covert narcissist, and if I am, what do I need to do to heal and change? 💙 Thank you 💙

How often would we see this pattern in domestic abusers who insist on controlling their partner/family and become violent when resisted?

Fantastic analysis. It is too simple to say someone is narcissistic there are too many types and as you say these things are on a continuum and also swing back and forth between covert and overt. I also like the clarity given between machiavellianism and narcissism. The devil is in the detail and that is why I always learn something from your videos and that is why I try and watch as many as I can.

A great deal of the stress of being, or having been, in the sphere of a narcissist is their thoroughly baffling motivations and actions. These people truly think in a completely different way. There’s such a great need for credible information on this topic. Please consider providing more narcissism videos.

Thank you for the clear information. It’s such a challenge to even begin to make sense of a narcissist’s motivations and behaviours. How much life misery could be prevented if this topic was taught to high school youth?

I think this video is the single most important thing I've ever watched. You've explained vendictive narcissism so succinctly that I can see now why every attempt at reason I've made in my own situation has utterly failed. I'm going to stop trying now. Thank you for all the knowledge you've imparted here. Your videos are an excellent educational resource.

When you encounter a narcissist, run like the wind as far away from them as possible. Do not get involved with them on any level. Never engage with a narcissist. Avoid them at all costs. If you discover that your boss is one, find another job. If you find that your significant relationship is narcissistic, split from them immediately, without discussion. No contact.

I found this video very interesting. Your description has come closer to accurately describing my former spouse than some of the other professionals I follow. My ex is high on the spectrum but demonstrates traits from multiple types of narcissism. I learned I have a pattern that attracts narcissists, so learning what to look for has become a goal for me. It has been over three years since the divorce, and though I have gotten better at detecting the basic signs of manipulative behavior in potential partners, I feel I have farther to go before seriously considering another relationship.

Best authority on different kinds of narcissism I’ve heard on TRvid. I always knew when my ex narc would be prowling for new supply... right after I stood up to him.

Thank you so very much Dr Grande. I missed you since I’ve been working a temp job, but this is exactly, identically an experience I had with a female coworker! For 3 months she caused utter brain chaos and I didn’t know how to communicate with her. Nothing worked. I gave notice and when she found out she said to me ‘you might not like me, but the entire world loves me’. I never once said I didn’t like her, but anytime I was praised for something I did well by a superior, this woman would attack me viciously. I seriously started to wonder if I was losing my mind and acting improperly and questioned myself deeply. I’m so grateful to you. Your timing has saved me weeks or possibly more of wondering and worrying! 😘

Thank you, I left a work environment I was sharing with someone who met this criteria and it took me about 2 years to trust people in the work place again. Not only me but his, at the time ‘flying monkeys’, had him turn on them also once I left. Basically if you did well and achieved or had something he was jealous about you would get anonymous cowardice letter or emails sent to superiors or even the police to get you into trouble. I had to go to counselling for a couple of years to help me recover and realise the world isn’t such a bad place. Thank you for defining this person here, you don’t realise how much closure this has given me.

I wish I would've found out this information decades ago. My father is a narcissist, I don't know what type exactly. He was also an undiagnosed bi-polar until I was 22. I ended up marrying a VN, vindictive type, and your video is so spot on, its eerie. I walk on eggshells constantly, it is very stressful. I find it almost funny-but not, how people say "just leave" without any clue about what exactly that entails. Thank you for your videos, I'm learning so much.

OMG....sounds like how I can be. My mother n her female relatives are all super vindictive and punitive!!!! I picked up their traits! Gonna have to watch this a few times. It's so sad that I've felt like I have to completely destroy someone or rub their nose in their mistakes forever to teach them a lesson, just how my mother did to me. Ugh.

Truly, I apologised to a c.n. recently and it made her even more furious and abusive! I'm still in shock, weeks later 😦 The lies, the accusations that came back were something I've never seen before.

Thanks for this one! I can see this pattern now in my ex. I couldn’t understand why she used to come home from work in tears because someone ( a customer) gave her a hard time at the checkout. I now realise she couldn’t take any criticism whatsoever! I’ve also been on the receiving end of her rage ,when she perceived I was somehow putting her down, when I wasn’t at all. 😬😣

Another topic that would be extremely beneficial would be “How to deal with narcissists in business negotiations when they have clear leverage” and you can’t avoid it For example, do you stroke their ego to achieve your goal in the meeting? do you ignore their narcissistic and egocentric remarks? do you simply withdraw completely? I ask because there seems to be an over representation of narcissists in the entrepreneurial social realm.

Thank you I'm No Contact and never have to explain or deal with any of their toxicity!! I love myself and I'm very Happy and Healthy! Narc free is the way to go, my friends!! 😄 Love to everyone!!

Have been married to narcissist for 30 yrs. Tried to figure out what was wrong with him. Had luck one day listening to you. Bingo, the light went on. That's him. So glad I flnally knew whsy I was fighting. Thank you for all your knowledge. I keep in touch with you each day. I am selling house and getting away. I don't talk to him, just stay in my room mostly. No contact...important.

I was a shift leader in a call center and I took on other duties as well. One morning, a female coworker smiled at me and a 30 year old brat threw an obnoxious temper tantrum over not getting all of the attention. I didn't feel it was my job to take it or customers place to hear it so I reported it to my supervisor. She accused me of judging and told me to leave him alone. I said nothing to him. I went to another supervisor about his behavior and when mine got word, she came in early just to harass me with extreme hatred about it putting words in my mouth making an all out show of her favoritism. She wouldn't allow me to say anything. It was so stressful, I was shaking. A week later, she fired me for mentioning him. When I reported the harassment to HR, they said they would look into it and get back to me. Crickets. Deafening silence. It was behind closed doors so she lied her way out of it. I learned later, he got my job as lead but was fired shortly after. Another employee reported his attitude and she had to save face. I did (as it was my job) and I was a criminal.

Finally after 56 years with narc parents, who never liked me, I made the call and said I can’t visit anymore. She went off the rails,but when I said I was afraid my father would kill me, crickets. Bye bye f@#$& narc trauma, I survived and am an amazing person now. Jesus has saved me!

Hi Dr. Todd! You do great work and I respect your dedication to TRvid and helping people! I hope one day I have the chance to do a video with you as I would love to chat!

Your description of the vindictive narcissist validates my own thoughts and feelings about a particularly stressful situation at work. I've had a lot to think about, with so much going on there. The timing couldn't have been better, many thanks for all your good work.

Dr. G can you please talk about stalking or unrelenting pursuit and how it goes hand in hand with the cluster b disorders? Love this video and all your videos.

Wow. You've described a few dangerous members of my family. Thank you for the clarification.

To any one reading this, I would like to say from my own experience, if you are friends with one of these people or you are dating one of these people, dump them and move on with your life. The pain they cause you is not worth it and they will not change. God Bless anyone on here that has had to endure the pain, from a narcissist . To mothers and fathers who endured the pain, my heart breaks for you. I walked in your shoes but will never allow it again. It is very very hard, to except that the child you gave birth to is so ill, and its just as hard to except all the broken hearts they gave you and did not care at all that they broke your heart. Its hard knowing you gave birth to a beautiful baby, and one day the only way you can survive is to totally let them go. God Bless any one in those shoes.

Watching these videos, my supervisor was a vindictive narcissist. I realize I am a vulnerable narcissist, and our boss was a Machiavellianistic. Our President, he could have been a psychiatrist, I’m now realizing, kept everyone in check. He protected me against them so I could have a job, which was important to me as a single mother. They hated this, people actually told me they were jealous of that. The HR lady even wrote that in a note to me. When he died, all hell broke loose. I took a few vacation days, and someone told me ‘Machiavelli’ was walking around saying he was going to fire me. I didn’t know why. I tried so hard on that job, and no one was ever happy.

Thanks again for your insights, Dr Grande. There seem to be so many strains to NPD that for the layperson it can be difficult to make a proper assessment of who they might be dealing with. These people are certainly damaged and have the ability to inflict damage on others.

9 out of the 10 fit my experience as a victim of a vindictive narcissist. My sister-in-law's revenge against me was to separate my brother from me. (I can only assume that she was very threatened by the close relationship we had growing up. All his previous girlfriends found our close relationship to be an endearing quality of his, but the one he married has despised me from day one). Her smear campaign against me to their children and anyone else who doesn't know me well enough to counter her lies, doesn't feel sloppy or ineffective; I think she's pretty good at manipulation.

Unfortunately, our family court system gives these NPD people a cudgel they can wield. The cost to defend oneself against the litany efforts to have judges be their revenge proxy is debilitating. And the courts will allow this to go on for ages before any sanctions are brought. Judges and lawyers in this area really need to be better educated on these types of personality disorders.

Thank you for your tape doctor. I listened to it, hopeing to see the angry, hurtful, hateful , narcissists that I had to raise She is totally vindictive , but does not fit this description. She is very intelligent, and very good at her manipulation . Of course as a small child, she got caught most of the time, because she was only a child, and the adults caught on to who the person was when she did horrible things. But even as child, she was so smart , so young, that when things happened the adult teachers and other adults who were around her, were shocked that she could be so shrewd at doing such horrible things, when she did not like a adult. I was her main target since she was four years old. It got worse and worse the older she got. Never once, was she sorry for any pain she caused me, or any other person she hurt. No feelings for any one but her self. Her anger at me, and pain given to me, got worse and worse because, I would not play her games, take her blame and I could see right through her. I think this is why I got all the back stabbing she did. She is a coward. Always seeking revenge, and always was behind my back. She became a 'woman", and still could never look me in the eye. But, she planned, plotted and executed all her plans to destroy me and my life. I am lucky to be alive to tell you this.

Dr. Grande: It was good to listen wholeheartedly to this video. I am borderline ADHD ( might as well say I have ADHD. I never stayed back in school but I could tell there was something wrong. I wasn't diagnosed until 2012 by word of mouth by a friend of my sisters of a very good doctor here in CT. Anyway, thank you so much for your smarts and your giving of your time to help us understand whom we are dealing with.

I had thought of my brothers personality like the malignant narcissistic type but these descriptions fit his toxic behaviours perfectly. Will be very helpful with any interactions with him. Learning about things like the many types of logical falasies has greatly helped when dealing with my families intergenerational dysfunctional personalities. Also learn to trust in ones own experiences and trust that whatever comes from a suspected cluster b personality is not the true facts. It helps when overcoming cognitive dissonance when first realising the horrors of "loved ones" having intentionally sabotaged ones sense of reality. Thanks again.

I respectfully disagree to an extent. I feel that many individuals who have been victims of others that show traits of narcissism simply want to be free from them and are incredibly fearful of what can happen to others if that person isn’t held to some account. Especially if they are in charge of others’ lives that are vulnerable and are still actively doing those same things. I am sure some cases are like this but most people that I have met that have been victimized in any way mostly tend to obsess and ruminate over that NOT vengeance. It’s just telling others everything can then put them at risk as well. Just a point of view, I’m sure it’s not like that always. Thank you for your videos, I look forward to them always because the topics you discuss are very interesting and the resources you provide are helpful. Best wishes to everyone.

Hi Todd, a great insight thank you! I had an experience with a partner and quite a few months back, stumbled upon your vulnerable narcissist descriptions which seemed to really fit what I was experiencing from this person. It was all quite confusing, I did talk myself out of the possibility of it because of my feeling for them. Fast forward to now, it stunned me as they seemed to be punishing me emotionally and they broke up with me in a rage. I allowed the breakup to happen and felt somewhat relieved. What was wild was that I think they assumed I would beg for them back and even though they where withholding my belongings for quite some time I remained in my domain. I saw that they used my toothbrush to paint with (this person is a sign writer) and not only did they post the image with the description “toothbrush and ink” but they also took a picture of my toothbrush covered in ink and put it online. I was shocked to see an act of revenge, even though they discarded me! Freaked me out. Wild behaviour and they have no idea that seeing this repelled me further.

A very insightful account of the vindictive narcissist. And the difficulties in dealing with one! Thank you Dr G.

I am so thankful for all of your comments. I have lived it too and divorced my narcissist husband 12 years ago. I was strong and independent too when we married and felt like nothing when I moved out but found the strength somehow. Have struggled unsuccessfully to have another relationship .

You are so right. I have just been thru a two year civil trial with a vindictive narcissistic boyfriend, both lawyers with a brain dead judge. I lost the case and my lawyer has become unhinged and wants to go for blood at my expense of course.

Finally, something makes sense!! Would sadism also fall into this category? Ex, enjoying how their behaviors acutely hurt someone else, like sadistic taunting and torturing and neglect. Thank you for sharing your knowledge in these videos.

"They are careful about seeking revenge against superiors" (3:23). This is because they know that this might jeopardize their ability to keep their charade against others going.

Hey Todd, would love to see a video on Narcissism and Self Awareness. Specifically how it pertains to hypocritical behavior. Are they aware of their hypocrisy and don't care, or are they unaware even when pointed out. I see that with a close person I suspect has narcissism that almost plays dumb, or walks away from a conversation when hypocritical behavior is pointed out. Is it deliberate or delusional?

It's a terrible realization that those who told me shit like " stop being the victim" all the while was the perp victimizing me. I feel bad for everyone who grows, looks for answers and finds out they were raised by inward monsters. As much as it makes sense, it's a hard realization to accept.

Yes, this is very helpful and importent. Awareness is the best tool to save one's self from the abuse. Unaware I went into an agreement with the narcissist, to rent a home,but the very day the contract was signed this person changed. Now after learning about the symptoms. I can identify the red flags. 🚩 Thank you for all your help. These people are very dangerous.The roommate, once had placed tools all over the house_this was strange and really creepy. Another time she sawed a really nice leather shoe of mine in half ?! Huh... what. I was so shocked. So I really dove deep into the why. Thank God for Doctors online to help understand The WHY. I am greatful to find the help to kinda understand these very ill people. I fully believe that the best way to deal with this type of person is to go no contact, if possible. Knowledge is power in the case of the narcissist. All Blessings to all healing from the abuse.

It’s true that they’re bad for society when given positions of power in the workplace. Unfortunately, it’s also bad for society when they have children and spouses. Keep up the good work, Dr. Grande, raising awareness, so that we may avoid allowing these people to enter roles in our lives they can only pervert. It’s interesting that their high vindictiveness can actually repel people more easily.

Listening to this while keep being reminder of a person who’s out for me right now for the exact same things you’re saying. So much knowledge and insight. That said I don’t know what else to do about it other than document her actions and present it to someone hoping they believe me over her.

Love your channel. The information is factual and legitimate. You're very informative on these topics and it helps me with my work which is mental health nursing. Thank you.

I believe I was married to a vindictive narcissist for over 20 years. I saw her punish friends or family members over such petty ‘offenses’ with cruelty and discarding like I’ve never seen before. She did not possess manipulative skills like another narc I knew was an expert at. The suffering of myself and ppl around her including her own daughter is beyond words but different in the sense that once one is perceived as ‘crossing her’ then the full wrath was unleashed with coldness and total disregard for the others’ well being. 3 years out I see it more clearly than ever and I have been in recovery but her life is a total ruin even though she got almost all that I had earned .. the amount of suffering of those who cared for her is unbelievable and it has turned into total avoidance as there seems no way to ‘reach’ her

I'm realizing I can take all the notes I want to break down the disaster I invited into my life from late 2017 to 2019 and not wanting to believe I am a victim over this person. This 10 signs video broke it all down. Maybe my nightmares will stop, but I will never stop looking over my shoulder. I feel at times, I ruined my life for thinking what I found was love but more of a crazy ass F who really shouldn't be walking this earth anymore. And knowing that, won't stop my nightmares. 😭

I would have to say from my experience that this is probably the worst kind of narcissism. I have dealt with also a covert narcissist ex-boyfriend who kind of flipped into a grandiose narcissist after discarding me. But one of my very close actually best friends started having paranoia of people stealing from him and had inability to look at facts and evidence as to who it was and just started blaming anyone and everyone he knew. And when everyone else became smart and started avoiding him he kept coming back to me because of my codependency in wanting to help him get better and saw my vulnerability and took advantage of that. He knows that I have a soft spot for him since we very easily became friends and bonded years back. And he is very convincing in telling me that he is not interested in finding out who done what or getting back what has been taken from him. He just wants people to be there for him and support him. So even though we've been through this pattern probably at least 20 times somehow he still gets me to give him another chance. Another chance to take more from me or take more of my life out of me. So in a six-month time. Yes I have suffered very much. Not only has he stolen objects, money, my credit card, my car, but I also feel like he has stolen my heart and soul and my will to live.

Thank you very much for this video. We must educate ourselves about these dangerous people. Nowadays there so many of them everywhere and they tend to engage with us using their fakeness. I wonder how a person can be such an empty shell, a hollow vessel like a narc. Stay away from them. Live in peace and enjoy your life 🙏❤

Sadly, my one daughter (38), my one sister (80), and my ex and his wife all grouped against me and not allowing me to see my grandchildren. I have NO-ONE, I AM 63 AND AND SO HURT it is unbearable. I have been nothing but GOOD to these people.

Never clicked a notification quicker on any other channel. Great insight on the subject, seems like narcissm has more sides of the spectrum and seem to overlap. I appreciate the consistency in all of your videos and their content. Sounds like my father fits this criteria vs full blown NPD. His current diagnosis is Biolar with psychotic tendencies and PTSD. He is very reactive in his moods and he really likes to use his past (combat veteran) to excuse himself of his own toxicity despite his treatment journey. He is an ongoing recovering addict and alcoholic with a violent past. Is there any hope for cases like his? He seems to be self aware to a point but still cannot seem to let go of the past and have trouble being a civilian. He believes no therapy will ever help because none have endured combat. His revenge is digging his heels in sand and standing his ground rather being accountable and mean it.

This is a question that is very important to me ( and I am sure very many other parents) If you have the time, please make a video on this topic. I have a daughter that is raised the majority of time with her father that is NPD. She is showing more and more signs every day that she is developing the disorder herself. She is 10 now. Is this too late? Has the disorder already developed? I've heard it happens before 5. How can I help curb this on my end? I try to help her have compassion and empathy... these concepts seems foreign to her. She appears to only do good when she will receive recognition for it, rather than the desire to help.... is there anything at all I can do to help her? I do not want the fate of NPD for her. I know they are miserable for the entirety of their lives.

This was very informative! I just wish you had put this more in context of the vindictive parent who uses their narcissistic games to abuse their child. You just described my mother perfectly and I believe she is a cluster B personality type who fluctuates between sociopath, psychopath and malignant Narcissist.

I have been a victim of narcissists and I feel very vengeful and as a result of the trauma ruminate a lot but I am no narcissist 🥴.

I have to admit I'm so scared I'm labeled some sort of narcissistic because there's so many different types out there. Everybody and their brother is being labeled some sort of narcissistic nowadays. It affects my life so bad, I feel I'm overcompensating for something I might not even be . I'm so damn confused 😞😢😢

Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this highly applicable and informative video !!!!! When interacting with the vindictive narcissist, it IS like walking on eggshells, and the options for a non- confrontational interaction at times is few. The abuse that comes out if their mouths, is absolutely horrific at times. The only way to disengage, is to leave the room/location. Pair that with financial abuse, and that is an utter nightmare.

I throughly enjoy your videos😊 Your presentation, voice, demeanor is perfect and I trust and learn so much from you. Thank you for sharing with us!

Interesting. I didn’t really know that there are different types of narcissists. As I got older, I realized that my dad is a narcissist, and he sounds just like a vindictive narcissist. “School yard bully” is a phrase that Dr. Grande used that really resonates with me, as well as the inability-to-grow characteristic. You can’t say “no” to him without him retaliating in some way. But his behavior is completely predictable to me; I know what his next move will be. Unfortunately, I can’t cut him off completely because I’m very close to my mom. If I cut him off, I cut her off too. He is a major stressor in my life, and it will be that way until I die or he dies.

This reminds me very much of the idea of Vindictive Triumph, such as what Karen Horney came up with. I have been the lifelong target of my mother who is a covetous psychopath. Absolutely envious to the point of rage & sadistic & endlessly vindictive. I enjoyed this video very much Dr. Grande. It is rare that I feel like someone is homing in on the type of person who has effectively almost completely demolished my life. The ruminating on her part has been endless. It is like the wheels of her mind are stuck in a gear to go after me in any way possible. I could literally write out pages of the vindictive strikes toward me. I want to add that many of the vindictive actions have been EXTREMELY creative. This is one reason of many reasons I clearly know of the level of rumination on her part. She can be both overt & also covert & sly,...like a curveball suddenly coming out of nowhere, however, it is obvious it took some planning on her part, such as weeks to months, even one horrible plan she had on the backburner for years. This line of attack has caused severe CPTSD. I never know for sure what can happen, which is not a peaceful way of living. Thanks again for your insightful video.

Your explanation makes so much sense. So my ex was going between covert and vindictive narcissism. Never accepted any criticism. Always thought I was trying to bring her down. Kept score of everything. Complain about something, she raises something you did last year. After the breakup, she became absolutely vindictive. Wants me to suffer. Sadly for her, I no longer feed her. So she sends me tons of hateful messages which I simply ignore, then the next time, she's sending me a soft message, trying to get my sympathy. Sloppy attempt at manipulation.

Thank you 🙏. I am currently in divorce proceedings with a cluster B - BPD NPD DID MPD and much much more. 20 years unknowingly until she had a nervous breakdown and ALL her past came to the surface. A living hell. Thank you Dr. great content in support of my defense.

when i was 16, my friends alerted a school counselor about finger mark bruises on my arm. this was by far one of the less horrible experiences so i just told them in a blase way. the school counselor cared and talked to me--i was naive enough to think i was just venting in his office about my dad, who routinely did worse shit than that. cps was called. my mother covered for my dad and the social worker was horrible and nasty to me. the svhool counselor tried to calm me down while i wept inconsolably. 2 yrs later cps was sniffing around again, this time about my sister--she was in a foster home for a while. anyway--my dad never stopped punishing me for that, gaslighting and saying it never happened. he is old and no one has spoken to him for yrs. he is indescribably evil. i could write a book. the physical abuse and threats werent even the worst part. the insults to injury, mockery, threats, humiliation, triangulations are fucking phenomenal.

Very educational, well planned out presentation, accurate, useful, and productive.

I think I imploded and exploded when I came into contact with a narcissist once. It was a mess. Thanks for making these great informative videos.

I couldn't quite put him into grandiose or covert as he exhibits some traits of both! This fits perfectly! You are 100% spot on...you described him exactly! He says "I will make it my life mission to destroy you, your family or anyone related to you!" 😳 I am so over the BS! It just irritates me🤬

This describes my ex. I know he is a narc, but I am convinced he is a psychopath. Plus he told me he was on two separate occasions with that predatory stare. It was disturbing, but, I was so in denial. I'm glad I got away.